Feb

17

How To Identify CU Men’s Basketball Players From A Very Long Way Away

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Six members of the Columbia basketball team cheering from the sidelines
Six members of the Columbia basketball team cheering from the sidelines

Pictured: A+ cheering from Voss and friends

Columbia University Marching Band members-turned-Guest Writers Abby Rubel and Gloriana Lopez have been to every men’s home game this season. They’ve laughed, they’ve cried, and they’ve gone home with sore throats from yelling at the teams. And since they won’t be able to see the team play until next week, they wrote some basketball superlatives to tide us all over.

Worst Free Throw Form: Lukas Meisner
It’s almost as excruciating for him to miss 52% of his free throws as it is for us to watch him do it. Maybe he faked an injury last week to spare us.

Best Free Throw Form: Andrew Panayiotou
Andrew has only made one free throw this season – nine fewer than Lukas. But he’s only taken one free throw, which makes his 1.000 free throw percent more than twice as good.

Best Cheerleader: Conor Voss
The cheerleaders do a great job of making sure the crowd doesn’t die from apathy. But even they could take some lessons from Conor, whose balletic leaps from the bench shouldn’t even be possible for someone that tall.

Best Facial Expressions: Jake Killingsworth
Since a picture’s worth a thousand words…

Honorable Mention: Chris McComber

Most Steals: Quinton Adlesh
With 29 steals on the season, Quinton has stolen more than just our hearts. He’s also stolen our balls.

Most Fun To Watch: Nate Hickman
Like Elphaba in Wicked, Nate Hickman defies gravity. If you want more than that, basketball is not the spectator sport for you.

Bad Boy: Jeff Coby
It’s not that Jeff Coby wears a lot of leather, smokes cigarettes, or is mean to small children and animals. He’s probably very nice. It’s that he has 56 personal fouls on the season – 14 more than Luke despite playing for half as many minutes.

Best Team Player: Mike Smith
With 74 assists, it’s clear that Mike Smith watched a lot of Sesame Street growing up – he knows the true value of sharing. (Also, he is quickly accelerating towards “actually best player” status.)

Most Points Per Inch of Height: Luke Petrasek
Luke scores 3.96 points per inch. That means if you animated his inch-tall bitmoji and made it play, it would have scored 4 times more points on the season than John Sica and almost as many points as Peter Barba.

Disagree? Come to a game (men’s or women’s) and prove us wrong. We’ll be the ones in the rugbies screaming our heads off.

A hundred “OK” emojis via Columbia University Athletics/Mike McLaughlin

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