This sad fucking Subway sandwich mimics the sad fucking Subway system as a whole

As the semester kicks into full gear and more and more of us begin heading downtown (or uptown) for internships and other positions, it becomes almost inevitable that you’ll be faced with a day when you need to eat on your commute. To help you choose what to grab from your cupboard on that morning when you need to run, Bwog presents a definitive guide to which foods you should and shouldn’t eat on the train.

• A sandwich: eating a sandwich on the subway or bus is like taking 21 credits a semester – you think you can handle it, but then the lettuce is going one way and the mayo is going another and oh shit the turkey is all over your classiest pair of pants. Only do it if you’re feeling really confident.
• Halal: similar to a sandwich, except that now you’re stinking up the whole train, and do the NYC subway tunnels really need you to add to their stench? This is likely your cheapest prepared food option, though, so there might be a day when you go with it anyway.
• Pizza: a good option if you like feeling powerful, since everyone else traveling with you will immediately know that you’re eating it and be jealous of you the entire time. It’s the subway food equivalent of strutting into a room full of your old high school friends and telling the story of that one time you saw Beyoncé at a cafe in the East Village.
• Apple: this might seem like a good idea in theory (it’s healthy, it fits in your pocket, it requires no previous preparation), but you’ll feel a lot less proud of yourself when you need to carry an apple core for fifty blocks. Unless you can pass a trash can while transferring, the gross factor isn’t worth the healthy factor.
• Orange: like an apple, except worse. Peel everywhere, juice everywhere… just don’t do it.
• Banana: similarly to apples and oranges, the cost of carrying the peel does not outweigh the benefit of your daily potassium intake. This is an especially fraught choice if you’re female-presenting, since there’s no good way to eat a banana without inviting a train full of strangers to see you in a new, wholly sexual light.
• Salad: this is a pretty solid option, since you’d be combating the gross feeling of riding NYC public transportation with the healthy feeling of eating a whole bunch of vegetables. A bag of baby carrots has a similar effect, if you don’t have the time or money to get a nice salad before you get on the train.
• Soup: no. Why were you even considering this?
• Chips: they’d probably hit the spot, sure, but that crunching is just so loud – everyone around you is guaranteed to hate you after a couple of spots. You’re better off bringing peanuts or almonds or something.
• Baked goods: an excellent move – both low in mess and high in energy. Our personal favorites are the Nussbaum muffins, which are a bit pricey, but enormous and filled with real fruit.
• Something from the assorted candy/granola bars/trail mix sold by the guy bringing deals to the subway: it might seem sketchy, but if you forgot to grab a snack before you left home this morning, this would really hit the spot. And besides, you’re supporting a young entrepreneur.
• Cereal: perfect – not just early in the morning, but any time of day. It’s sweet. It’s pre-made in bitesize pieces. It’s (arguably) healthy. There are literally no disadvantages. Also, there’s a certain kind of powerful feeling only associated with eating cereal on the subway that invokes the emotion of a knight heading into battle. Try this one even if you don’t have an internship to rush to.

Subalicious via Kreg Steppe on Flickr