Intoxication for a general requirement we’d rather not fulfill isn’t something foreign to Bwog staff. Last night, one Bwoggie channeled her inner Jenny Slate and got high as the stars for her Astronomy lab.

It all started when someone recommended that I watched Jenny Slate talking with Seth Meyers about going to her astronomy lab at Columbia stoned. Yes, a true valedictorian. I thought it would be a great way for me to honor Jenny Slate, and might possibly set me on the path to becoming Jenny Slate herself.

So, the other night, before my astronomy lab accompanying my astronomy class that I’m only taking to fulfill my science requirement, I smoked a bowl. It hit me right before class started, and even though I only took two hits so that I wouldn’t be too zoned out, I stayed high for the entire 3-hour lab.

High enough to confuse astronomy with…you know.

I rushed over to my class building, worried I would be late. I arrived a full 10 minutes early, but then spent 7 minutes of my extra time in the bathroom washing my hands because, according to the notes I was taking, “the water felt so good.” I walked into class two minutes before it started and found myself the only one in the room with the TA, thus having to make conversation until everyone else arrived. “A lot of this is just going to be shutting the fuck up so I don’t say anything stupid, I thought to myself.” –Direct quote from my notes, third person reference to myself and all.

Only minutes in, I realized something important: I was hungrier than I had ever been in my entire life. I only had coffee with me, so I spent most of the rest of the time fantasizing about what I was going to eat at JJ’s after getting out of there. “Umm wish I had food,” I wrote in my notes.

My teacher started talking about recent astronomical discoveries, and I tried to pay attention. “Jimmy Neutron Star” say my notes. We divided into groups to work on the lab, and I sighed in relief when I realized I would have someone chill in my group who could help me deal with the confusion I was sure to deal with it. Concerned that my eyes looked as red as they felt dry, I told my partners that I had been having issues with my contact lenses in case they were getting suspicious.

This lab seemed more confusing than any of the others so far, and I genuinely couldn’t tell whether this was due to my lack of sobriety or the teacher actually starting to crack down. I floated through the first three sections, covertly watching the girl next to me and wondering whether she had caught onto my secret. I started to really struggle with the section four of the lab, and after asking my teacher to explain it for the fifth time, I decided it would be more efficient to just let myself get this one wrong. As my notes so eloquently put it, “Is it normal to be this confused? Is uhh.”

Then came the big finish: going up to the roof to observe the sky. All I could hope was that I didn’t fall off. Was it this inconvenient for everyone else to write in a notebook information from a worksheet in pitch darkness without the use of a table or a light, or was I just high? I found myself relating to Jenny Slate, bundled up in two jacket layers and a hat and unsure if my perceptions were accurate to what everyone else was experiencing. Was the TA seriously asking me to look for a “smudge” in the sky? “How is that science?” my notes ask.

As I started to reach peak-not-being-able-to-fully-control-what-I-was-doing, a miracle occurred: my teacher decided to cut the lab short and allowed us to go back inside to finish the last section. Some ethereal being up there in the stars I was having so much trouble observing had heard and granted my wishes. I promise I like my astronomy lab, but in all honesty, being high for it didn’t make it any better–maybe because I already kind of feel like I’m on something because of what we do in that class.

Moral of the story: despite wanting to do everything I can to become Jenny Slate, in the future I’ll be keeping my illicit activities outside of the classroom. But as I sit in JJ’s writing this post, I know that even after the high fades, the memories of going to my lab high will last forever.

*Hello! Bwog does not promote the use or abuse of illegal substances ♥