Feb

10

How To Avoid Your Old Hookups On Campus

Written by

Tinder is the death of love

Columbia is not a big school. It’s geographically small: we are, for the most part, confined to the small rectangular island between 110th, 120th, Broadway, and Amsterdam. Population-wise, it’s also relatively small: CC, SEAS, and GS have a combined population of just under 9,000 students, and Barnard has over 2,500 students. Together with the approximately 16,000 graduate students in the MoHi campus, the population count on campus adds up to less than 30,000.

This means that it’s highly likely you’ll run into a lot of people on an average day. Per Murphy’s Law, you will run into a lot of people you don’t want to run into. Like old hookups. But fear not: Bwog is here to help. Here is a list of ways you can avoid your old hookups to whom you no longer talk.

  1. Keep an eye out for them for a few weeks. Some awkward encounters will happen, but they’re necessary. Enlist your friends to do the same. Memorize their general paths and don’t cross them. (Do NOT stalk them. Just keep an eye out!)
  2. Train yourself to have a hawk’s eye and spot them from about a block away. On this campus, if you’re about a block’s distance away from someone, you can make a turn or otherwise dodge out of their way before you run into them. For example, if you’re on College Walk and you see them walking down the plaza in front of Butler towards you, you can make a sharp turn towards Amsterdam or Broadway. If you’re in front of Avery facing Pupin and you see them coming your way from Mudd, you can duck right to Schermerhorn.
  3. Keep a close eye on their social media to gain an idea of their whereabouts, so you can avoid going wherever they are. For example, if they uploaded a Snapstory from Butler Ref 3 minutes ago, probably don’t go there.
  4. Be really obnoxious about your own whereabouts on social media and hope they do #3 and avoid you.
  5. Avoid the dining halls you know they go to. Everyone here with a meal plan has a preferred dining hall. (If your preferred dining hall is anything other than Ferris, please vacate the premises and never  come back.) If you share a favorite dining hall, you’re going to have to make a tough decision.
  6. Is the person you’re trying to avoid a gym junkie? Find a different gym. Dodge isn’t the only gym on campus.
  7. Avoid their dorm. If they live in Broadway or Ruggles, for example, avoid 114th Street. If they live in McBain, don’t go to Sig Nu parties.
  8. Wait for them to graduate.
  9. Drop out of whatever classes you take together, if any.
  10. Honestly, on that note, just drop out of school. (We’re joking. Don’t actually.)

Tinder via Bwog Archives

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