How To Identify Different Parts Of The Men’s Basketball Team
Written by Abby Rubel
Sports Editor Abby Rubel and Guest Writer Gloriana Lopez are updating last year’s post about identifying men’s basketball players from a very long way away. This year, they’re identifying a whole new crop of first-years and some fan favorites!
Most Satanic Player: Nate Hickman
Nate has played a total of 666 minutes. Good thing next week’s games don’t conflict with the Columbia Satanists’ meetings.
Bad Boy: Patrick Tapé
Last year, we awarded this title based on sheer number of personal fouls. Technically, then, it should go to Lukas Meisner and his 71 personal fouls this season. But Patrick Tapé has only one fewer fouls, got into a fight with a Brown fan during their away game, and has the most blocks, so we’re giving it to him. Good job, Patrick! We highly recommend adopting this aesthetic—everyone looks good in a leather jacket.
Katy Perry Hot and Cold Award: Quinton Adlesh
He’s nationally ranked eleventh in three-point field goal completion percentage, but (in what some would say is the true spirit of Columbia Athletics) Quinton is as inconsistent as a JJs mozzarella stick. Last weekend, he made literally zero three-pointers against Yale. Earlier this season, he shot 50% from beyond the arc against the SAME TEAM. To paraphrase Katy Perry, “the shots are in, then they’re out.” We do not, however, recommend adopting this aesthetic.
Best Free Throw Form: Myles Hanson and Randy Brumant
Myles has gone 5-5; Brumant has gone 1-1. That’s a 100% completion rate! With stats like this, it’s a wonder Columbia’s not leading the Ivies. (Note to other Ivy teams: FOUL THESE GUYS MORE. PLEASE.)
Most Improved Free Throw Form: Lukas Meisner
Last year, we awarded Lukas “Worst Free Throw Form.” This year, he’s improved his completion rate from 46% to 60%! Good job! We’re going to take credit for motivating you. You should probably be thanking us.
Comeback Player of the Year: Kyle Castlin
Now that he’s finally back from being away for a year and then an injury at the season opener against Villanova, Kyle Castlin has been an absolute joy to watch. Although he has played in only 15 out of 25 games, he averages 9.9 points per game, making him the fourth best scorer. Plus, he’s got a 47.7% field goal percentage and a free throw completion rate of almost 90%. We can’t believe he’s abandoning us.
Most Like Mr. Peanutbutter: Gabe Stefanini
Gabe is incredibly energetic, if a bit overeager at times. If he were a Bojack Horseman character, he’d definitely be the loveable, if sometimes frustrating, Mr. Peanutbutter.
Most Likely to be the Next Conor Voss: Shane Eberle
Tallest person on the team. That’s it. (We miss you, Conor.)
Perseverance Award: Peter Barba
Didn’t rage-quit the team despite only getting 31 minutes of playing time last year! And it’s paid off—he’s almost tripled his time on the court.
Best Facial Expressions: Jaron Faulds
Because, firstly, Jake Killingsworth hasn’t been playing lately, and secondly, we want to spread the funny-facial-expression love.
One happy team via gocolumbialions.com
Tags: basketball corrupted Patrick Tape 2018, conor voss! conor voss! conor voss!, Gabe Stefanini is a good boy, I still miss Conor, Is Shane Eberle even real?, Not ready for basketball season to end, patrick tape is a bad boy, please take us to the palestra we're begging, this is what tough love looks like lukas but we still love you