Apr

19

Some Ways To Get Your Stuff Back After A Hookup

Written by

Plunge back into the deep.

The two of you met Friday night at 1020. You had a few drinks, they seemed cool, and the two of you hit it off immediately. After last call, you both decide to go to his place. When it’s all said and done, you head home—only to realize that you left something at their place. Here’s Bwog’s tips for getting your shit back. 

    • Hook up with the person’s roommate and take your stuff when you leave.
    • Convince them to give your really cute hat back when they’re on acid.
    • Do a baton-like hand off but exchange lost clothing outside of your dorm.
    • Hook up with them one more time and make sure that you have your shit together before you leave.
    • Ask them to leave your stuff folded on the floor in the hall right outside your room. (This worked.)
    • Be annoying and text them the next day, only to pick it up in person while on the phone because you’re too cool for the awkward conversation.
    • Send short snaps to them right before they go out for the night: you can meet up at a bar and you’ll be drunk and relaxed.
    • Make them meet up in a really public place so that it can appear casual.
    • Turn invisible.
    • Show up at their door with a new man, take your stuff, leave.
    • G(tb)^2 and tell them to give you your stuff.

    • “Hello can I have my scarf back ty.”
    • Meet up with them again. Once you get into their room, kindly collect your stuff and then get a “phone call” and have to leave ASAP.
    • Show up with dragons. Take what is yours with fire and blood.
    • Dress up in a disguise and wait outside their room, and when they leave, sneak in and take whatever you want.
    • Appear at their door and execute order 66.
    • Avoid all conflict. The stuff is gone. Personal property is a myth. Change your name. Cut your hair off. Become a Marxist. Leave town. Enter new relationship. Buy back into consumerism to have goods to impress other person. Rinse and repeat.
    • Write a Spec op-ed calling out people who won’t give stuff back after a hookup, and hope it shames them into returning the stuff on their own.
    • Train small animals to retrieve your things.
    • Bring them to the t r e b u c h e t.
    • Gaslight them. Pretend the hook up never happened. Start slowly changing minor objects in their room. Make them go insane little by little. When they’re finally crazy, take back your stuff.
    • Just keep screaming until you get it back.

the location of your latest mistake via Bwog Archives

 

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