Apr

21

Suing Junzi Kitchen

Written by

The wall in question (left)

One Daily Editor has a bone to pick with Junzi Kitchen, and she’s not going to rest until she gets the retribution she deserves.

I am an admitted homebody; I tend to spend most of my evenings in my room watching Netflix or staring at a blank Word document and hoping it’ll magically turn itself into a completed essay. So last weekend, when I went to Junzi After Hours with some friends, it was the first time I ever gone. It started out as a great time; we picked a table near the far wall, ordered an overly large cocktail and some really delicious waffle fries, and generally enjoyed the chill atmosphere.

It all fell apart when one of my friends came back from the bathroom. You see, the far wall we were sitting near is comprised of wooden cubbies that hold random poster-boards and other objects. So, as she slid back into the booth, one of them must have been disturbed somehow (though they didn’t do anything when we first sat down) and hit me square in the head.

I am emotionally distressed to this day; the one time I leave my room and decide to venture out into the world, I’m brutally attacked by a piece of, essentially, printed Styrofoam. How can I feel safe going anywhere else, knowing that even a chill restaurant with good food and a shit-ton of alcohol could choose to attack me at any time? What’s next? The chairs in Hamilton falling apart beneath me? The ceiling of my shower in Carman caving in the middle of my stirring rendition of Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me?” Getting stuck in an EC elevator for three days and being forced to resort to cannibalism? Nowhere is safe.

To make make matters worse, I had a headache for a full 24-hours after my horrific experience. It definitely wasn’t a hangover from the 2 group cocktails we had or a tension headache from the 3 essays I was putting off working on when I decided to go there. No, the 2-pound poster with the word “wow” painted on it definitely left me with a concussion, or possibly brain cancer, according to Web MD.

After consulting with my lawyer (well, a first year law student I met while wandering the Law library), I have decided to sue Junzi Kitchen for the damages caused by this experience,  both physical and mental. I expect it to be more than enough to cover the rest of my time here at Columbia as well as maybe, another night at a late-night establishment that doesn’t try to kill me the first time I step foot on the premises.

As for Junzi, I look forward to seeing your representative in court, as soon as I find someone who will take my claim seriously. If any Bwog reader happens to be an expert in civil law, email tips@bwog.com and I thank you in advance for your assistance in this trying time.

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2 Comments

  1. Anonymous  

    This was really bland, pointless writing. There is good satire, and this was not it...

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