Encyclopedia Brown And The Case Of The Midnight Pooper

Over the past several days, we have received a number of increasingly agitated tips about a string of vandalism centered on the phrase “Poop Nuggetz.” As far as we can tell, this shit has gone down on John Jay 13.

One anonymous tipster kept calm in the face of the drama, providing an email with the subject line “Poop nuggetz” and merely adding: “That phrase was used to desecrate a poster on my door, among many other pieces of paper (e.g flyers/doortags) in John Jay last night in red marker.” They went on to theorize that the guilty party was “drunk, mean, or just an idiot.” All good theories, although perhaps the more accurate guess would be that a rogue twelve-year-old was accidentally allowed into John Jay over the weekend.

More alarmed was the tipster who demanded, “Bwog, I am serious. I need you to find the people who scrawled ‘poop nuggetz’ all over John Jay. Maybe it was some sort of graffiti tag, because the people who did this seem to be poop nuggets themselves.” An interesting theory…literal poop nuggets simply trying to express their identities. After all, when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

We may simply never know who the culprit is. So far, all we can tell you for sure is that there were multiple people responsible, most likely first-years. At least those in John Jay have it better than those in Wien, who have been reporting an anonymous sink-pooper haunting those who fail to lock their doors at night.

Introducing Your CCSC 2018 Class President: Ezra Gontownik
Ezra Jacob Gontownik

Smiling, in the sun, with the lawn not covered in white tarp- we post this to remind him of who he once was in anticipation of what is to come.

In light of our dripping enthusiasm about student government, Bwog sat down with recently-elected CCSC 2018 President Ezra Gontownik to talk shop.

Bwog: So, tell me a little about yourself, or, in other words, let’s reduce your life to a catchy little sound bite?

EG: Catchy little sound bite?

I’m the youngest of six boys; grew up fifteen minutes from here. Three of my older brothers attended the engineering school, so people thought I was on the fast track to engineering. Veered from the path a little bit and applied to the College.

Bwog: Now that you’re elected, what do you want to represent as a political agent? Are you a reformer? An advocate for the people? A bureaucrat?

EG: I’ve been here for about a month now. I’m not here to reform the place; I have to get situated with the place: hear from my fellow classmates what they would like to see changed, see for ourselves what we would like to see change. We are very fortunate in that we’re working with a council that has been incredibly helpful with assisting us with how the formalities work, with how the meetings work. And that has been very beneficial for us.

People should be comfortable coming to us and express what they want. It should never be ‘oh those people are on student council.’ It’s too official. We’re their friends. We’re their classmates. We just happen to represent them on student council. There should be no shyness coming to us and asking for something to change and asking for something new.

Greek, policy, the ever elusive Columbia community, coming up after the jump.

2Girls1Snack: “Green” Tea
Why isn't it green though

This is what happens when you ask for green tea

After last week’s decadent brownie tour that left 1girl in a food coma, we decided to take it easier this time and study everyone’s favorite classy drink–tea! With all of the varieties of tea floating around Morningside, we had to narrow it down, so we decided to go for straight green tea. No milk, no bubbles, no other exotic flavors. Did we succeed in even that? Let’s find out! (Full disclaimer: 1girl has fancy Canadian tea in her dorm, while the other 1girl’s closest experience to tea before this was Snapple.)

Ferris Booth Commons – Bigelow Classic Green Tea (1 meal swipe)
It’s very possible that some students, perhaps driven away by the high costs of New York or for want of an ascetic lifestyle, have decided to limit themselves to only the dining hall foods. If we were they, we would probably swear off tea. The bags provided in Ferris contained severely ground, practically powdery, “tea,” making it difficult to extract any flavor from the so-called leaves. As a result, the tea was neither aromatic nor tasteful. By its color and labelling, you could call it green tea, but the experience of drinking it doesn’t quite add up. “Some weird thing” was the best way our resident connoisseur could bring herself to describe the taste. We recommend bringing your own tea bags and stealing Ferris’s hot water.
2Girls Rating: 1.5 mislabeled cups of water out of 5

Café East ($2.99)
Although 1girl’s experience helped her label this as jasmine, not straight, green tea, it disappointed us regardless. When still hot, this loose leaf tea seemed to be an infinite improvement over Bigelow’s tasteless water (and arguably still is), but the further it cooled, allowing us to better sense the flavor, the soapier it got. Yes, soap–that artificial taste your mom might’ve threatened you with when she caught you cursing. That was the taste. Whether this was because of cultural associations of jasmine scent with hand soap or because of the secret Café East recipe that puts a squirt of Bath and Body Works in each cup is up for debate. Now, 1girl regularly gets Cafe East’s “elite oolong,” but it seems that the floral teas at this quick grab-n-go should be avoided.
2Girls Rating: 2.3 soapy jasmines out of 5

Maybe there’s better stuff outside of Lerner…

At USenate Plenary, Prezbo Shows Optimism Among Developing Issues
Feelin' optimistic

Feelin’ optimistic

The school year’s first University Senate meeting opened with a speech by Prezbo where he gave his perspective on the present and future of Columbia. He said that Columbia is in one of its “greatest eras.” He gave compliments to the new and some of the returning deans, praised the architectural changes around Columbia, and commented on the improvement of SEAS. While he cannot right now release financial data, he is confident that Columbia will retain the largest return on its endowment among universities with endowments over $1 billion and will remain in the top 5 of universities in terms of dollars coming in. He also stated that the university’s recent capital campaign was the 2nd most successful in US history.

On sexual assault, Prezbo stated that the there was a nationwide movement around the issue where every school needs to step up, and he believes Columbia has stepped up. He noted that he had discussions with students about sexual assault policy over the summer and wants to have more, but he had to institute a new policy before the beginning of the school year.

More updates after the jump…

Bwoglines: Everything’s A Mess Edition
gettin sloppy

gettin’ sloppy

If you haven’t already heard, Ebola has been diagnosed in the U.S. for the first time. (Huffington Post)

This woman was in jail for over a month because the police thought the dried SpaghettiO’s on a spoon in her car was meth. (Gawker)

Another horrible dating app: Luxy allows its wealthy users to “weed out the poor and unattractive.” (SFist)

Amanda Bynes is back, and not in a good way: she was arrested Monday for driving under the influence of adderall and maybe weed (?). (Gawker)

Image via Shutterstock

Chopped: Poor Lazy College Edition

Remember the beginning-of-the-year resolution you made to yourself to act like a grown up? It’s okay, we all know that the last time you actually went grocery shopping was a late night run two weeks ago….but don’t worry! As always, Bwog has you covered. Tatini Mal-Sarkar and Gabrielle Lipson channel their inner Rachael Ray and show you how to cook up some culinary creation with whatever you find in your fridge. 

We are proud to bring you Chopped: Poor Lazy College Edition, where we turn the inexplicable remnants of your late night cravings into a real meal.

Game rules:
1. Must only use items in the fridge
2. Must use at least 3 items from the fridge
3. Fridge can’t have been restocked within the week

Today’s basket:

  • One tofu veggie burger
  • Tofu spaghetti
  • Tomato basil marinara
  • Salsa
  • One flour tortilla
  • Square of jalapeño cheddar cheese
  • Almond milk

Prep instructions and other creative culinary ideas!

Fire Alarms Going Off Throughout Campus

If you got a mass text message from Emergency Services, its because false fire alarms are going off throughout campus. Public Safety has been sent to investigate, and both they and we will keep you updated as the situation unfolds.

Public Safety also released an identical email: “There has been a series of simultaneous false fire alarms in various buildings on the Morningside Campus.  Public Safety is investigating.  Updates to follow.”

Buildings where fire alarms went off include Dodge, Fayerweather, Avery, and Butler. Students are being let back into Avery. Said one public safety officer, “It’s probably a technical issue.” The same officer mentioned a power surge as the most likely cause.

Update, 4:50 pm: Public Safety has just sent the following email: “There is presently a smoke condition in Butler Library.  FDNY is responding.  The remaining buildings in alarm are now clear to be reoccupied.” A text shortly followed this email, stating, “The smoke condition in Butler Library is being investigated by FDNY. The cause appears to be overheated equipment in the basement. There is No fire.

Update, 5:04 pm: According to a Public Safety officer outside of Butler, “It was just a small electrical fire that spread to a pump and then made the whole building go off. You might smell a little bit of something when you go back in.” Students will be let back into Butler shortly.

Update, 5:06 pm: Public Safety text message alert: “The smoke condition in Butler Library has been corrected and the building can now be safely reoccupied.” However, the fire alarms in Fayerweather are still going on.

Update, 6:09 pm: The alarms in Fayerweather and Schermerhorn are reportedly still going on.

If you have any information or know of any buildings where alarms are going off, please let us know at tips@bwog.com.

Quiz: What Should You Be Doing Right Now Instead Of Taking This Quiz?

Life is short. So is this quiz.

All results are guaranteed to be 1000% accurate.

Overseen: The Ground Has Eyes

A tipster happened upon this creepy eye mask on the ground near South Lawn. We took the opportunity to write a haiku about it:

The eye mask watches,

It can see your inner soul,

It is dark as night.

Someone is going to have trouble sleeping tonight.

Live At Lerner: Salt Cathedral

Like this, only a cathedral

Look alive, Columbia. You have roughly 15 minutes to get yourself to the Lerner Piano Lounge for the semester’s second Live at Lerner Sounds event! This week they’ve got Salt Cathedral playing some awesome salty tunes.

Added incentive (as if you needed any more): today’s lunch is Greek-themed! Save yourself a late night trip to Hooda’s for a shame-Gyro!

And finally: if you’ve ever wanted to go apple-picking with a bunch of people who have better musical tastes than you do, now’s your chance! The Live at Lerner crew is taking a bus to a farm upstate next Friday for some good autumnal fun and they want YOU  to join them. Info here.

The rest of the salt pictures looked like cocaine via Shutterstock

Bwoglines: Accusations Edition

Even the dog knows your sins…

Walmart accused Tracy Morgan, claiming it was his negligence that caused his injuries in the June car crash. The Walmart driver was apparently awake for 24 hours before the accident. Whose fault is it, anyway? (Yahoo!)

At the U.N., Mahmoud Abbas accused Israel of war crimes and Netanyahu accused Abbas and other world leaders of failing to recognize the aims of militant groups like Hamas and ISIS. What else is new? (Huffington Post)

Hamid Karzai, Afghanistan’s outgoing president, accused the U.S. of betrayal in his farewell speech. He warned Afghani officials not to trust America, as it has “its own agendas and goals.” Ashraf Ghani will replace Karzai on Monday. (NYT)

NC State coach Dave Doeren accused Florida State of faking injuries. FSU coach Jimbo Fisher accused Doeren of “not knowing what he’s talking about.” Great comeback, bro. (ESPN)

But that look….via Shutterstock

Field Notes: A Weekend Of (Pleasant) Surprises
Looks good from any distance

She looks good from any distance

The weather this weekend was in more of a late August-fashion than that of late September. And how did we choose to bask in the unexpected warmth and sunshine? Whatever weather the first weekend of October brings, we always want to know where you’ve been over the weekend at tips@bwog.com. 

Activities in the Manhattan home base:

  • Surprise run-ins: “Saw a friend at an NYU dinner party I hadn’t been in touch with since last year. We caught up on a drunken Odyssey back to the one, stopping at a sex shop she had always meant to visit and a waffle truck I had aways meant to try. A night of fulfilled promise.”
  • Surprise, we have a class together: “I met a guy at 1020 who’s in the same compsci class as I am and he gave me some tips for the homework.” 
  • Unexpected extended comfort: “Treated myself and went to see a movie with some friends at the 84th AMC theater. My butt is still thanking me for sitting in those heavenly red chairs.”
  • Surprise guest appearances: “Went to Global Citizen Festival, Jay-Z brought out Beyonce, and her hardcore dance moves caused her shirt to bust open at one point. It was the most fortunate wardrobe malfunction ever, and one she naturally masked with grace.”
  • Surprisingly sobriety doesn’t enhance skill: “I had drunk heart-to-hearts in foreign languages on the fire escape of Watt last night…I find that I can speak much more fluently when I’m not sober.”
  • Surprise run-ins, continued: “I got limearitas at M2M and ran into the entire ISO.”
WBacchanal Round Up
Rockin' out in Barnard blue

Rockin’ out in Barnard blue

On Saturday night, Barnard’s WBAR Radio took over Lehman Lawn to host its inaugural Fall Kickoff Concert, nicknamed “WBacchanal.” Paris Parker-Loan reports on how Clement Gelly, Mannequin Pussy and Clean Girls filled the Barnard air with alt/punk vibes. 

WBAR, the independent freeform college radio station run by Barnard and Columbia students, kicked off its 21st school year of broadcasting on Saturday with the Fall Kickoff Concert “WBacchanal” – its first Lehman Lawn show since 2007, and the first WBAR event of the 2014-2015 season.

CC sophomore and WBAR DJ Clement Gelly opened the show with a set of sample-heavy ambient hip hop tracks from his seven-song EP Salvatore’s Paradise, released in April. Gelly was added to the bill after WBAR reached out to its DJs and Facebook followers to solicit a student act to play the show.

Expertly produced, his music samples everything from electronic beats and laugh tracks to classical piano pieces and a folky guitar cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Chelsea Hotel #2″. It’s an eclectic mix, but Gelly stitches the samples together to create dynamic progressions within the songs. He moved from track to track seamlessly, performing a nonstop set that suited the intimate setting and allowed the audience to relax on the lawn and appreciate his craft.

More good vibrations after the jump!

Weekend Sports Wrap: We Own New York
Soccer is a beautiful sport

Coleen Rizzo going for the goal

This past weekend saw a sweet line of Lion victories in a variety of sports, but especially in continuing Women’s Soccer’s undefeated streak. Bwog sports editor Ross Chapman sums up this sporty weekend for Columbia, where we established supremacy as the better Ivy League school that is in New York, beings with a C, and whose school color is a primary color. Down with Cornell! 

The Lions of Columbia went 4-1 this week against a pair of rivals in New York state competition, with both Soccer teams handing it to Fordham while Volleyball and Women’s Soccer took wins from our in-state Ivy foe Cornell. Field Hockey dropped an overtime decision to the Big Red, but came back the next day and tied a few school records with an 8-1 rout of the Georgetown Hoyas.

Women’s Soccer might be leading the charge for Columbia’s fall sports. The Lions (5-1-3) haven’t lost a match in seven straight appearances, and goalkeeper Grace Redmon and the defense just until this weekend had a 393 minute streak without allowing a goal. Coleen Rizzo (pictured) and Madeline Linde supplied the three goals for the Lions in their 1-0 and 2-1 victories. Men’s Soccer (3-3) split two games on the weekend, falling in New Rochelle to Iona after claiming a 2-0 win over the Fordham Rams. Nicholas Pappacena and Rhys Williams combined for a goal just a minute into the second half against our Bronx rivals, and Arthur Bosua gave CU some insurance in the 82nd minute with a goal of his own.

In non-soccer, still New York action, Volleyball (5-5) gave away hundreds of t-shirts and took a conference win against the Big Red from upstate, winning three sets after dropping the first. The team’s 14 blocks for points at the net, led by Katarina Jovicic’s nine, complemented Charlee Dyroff’s 17 digs and held Cornell to a tiny .062 hitting percentage on the match. Jovicic and Bailey Springer each put up 10 kills on the offensive side, and sophomore Kesi Neblett tallied another eight kills to back up the two juniors. The Field Hockey squad (5-3) won one and lost one this weekend. Following a tense 2-1 overtime loss to Cornell, the Lions came out with a chip on their collective shoulder and gave Georgetown a Germany-Brazil level beatdown, scoring eight to tie a program record. Kyle Marsh, Katie Ruesterholz, and Zoe Blake each had two goals on a combined 10 shots on goal. The offense was so dominant that goalkeeper Kimberly Pianucci saw zero shots on goal in her whole 35 minutes in the net.

Upcoming events and news for Golf, Cross Country, and Softball after the break

CCSC Has Fun With By-Law Revisions And The Ivy League

The undefined direction of the arrow is supposed to be symbolic

CCSC met for the first time in full last night and the wrap-up is brought to you by our cardinal CCSC correspondent, Joe Milholland. 

Sunday night’s Columbia College Student Council meeting was the first with the Class of 2018 and the Sandwich Ambassador, so President Peter Bailinson asked all members to introduce themselves and say what they had for dinner (University Senator Jared Odessky had a Coke Zero, Class of 2015 President Kareem Carryl had a single fry, Sandwich Ambassador Joshua Burton had stir fry).
After some updates (see below), Class of 2016 Representative Richin Kabra gave a presentation on the Ivy Council, which is an organization that coordinates policy and organizes events around the Ivy Leauge. Kabra has been looking for a head delegate from Columbia for the Ivy Council and brought two applicants, one from CC and one from SEAS, to the attention of the council who have attended Ivy Council events in the past and had good applications. The council discussed their options for a while and decided they would appoint two co-head delegates, one from CC and one from SEAS. They will officially vote on who will be the head delegates online this week.

CCSC in bullets after the jump!