Beethoven, Sappho, Liszt, Mozart, move over. A Columbia Yelp reviewer has come to town.
As I was browsing Yelp reviews of JJ’s the other day, I discovered that a Columbia student had written a song about JJ’s in the reviews section. Yep. I’m….speechless. The song is to the tune of “No More Parties in LA” by Kanye West, and it utilizes such a sublime flow and lyricism that is to this date unparalleled by even Sappho herself. Honestly, what more can I say about it? The full lyrics are included below, as well as the song “No More Parties in LA” to give you an idea for the melody.
No more parties in JJ’s
Please, baby, no more parties in JJ’s, uh
No more parties in JJ’s
Please, baby, no more parties in JJ’s., uh
No more (John Jay)
Hey baby you forgot your french fries
Not cooked in peanut oil like Five Guys’
It was more than soft porn for the K-man
Hacked my diet like when I was selling them Rayban
Kashi no subete wo tabete, ureshikatta
On that air hockey table, I’m gonna play.
Gotta steal all them freshie swipes; they gonna pay
And I guess I can say hi to Iris, along the way.
No more parties in JJ’s
Please, baby, no more parties in JJ’s
So you pregamed ya pregame
Drinks before noon JJ’s soon there is no shame
Going straight for the mozzarella sticks
And foosball scores three meals a day hat tricks.
I am here waiting for the ghost of Kerouac
Just to tell him when you near my fortune cookies, step back.
I just keep on lovin’ you, baby
And there’s no one else I know who can take your place
We’re gonna keep this short. I’ve had a lot of scary experiences this week: a Gulati pop quiz, spilling orange juice in my bag, tripping on College Walk. But on Thursday, I encountered perhaps the scariest thing of all. Class registration.
As a freshman, my fall registration experience was less than stellar – but my spring registration experience was even worse. Coming in, I had a 12:30 pm registration time. With no context, I had known that 12:30 pm wasn’t the earliest time, but I didn’t think it was the worst ordeal either.
Yeah, I was wrong.
On registration day, I woke up at 8 am, carefully checking and double-checking and triple-checking that my SSOL wishlist was just right. I had three alternative LitHum sections, three UWriting sections, and a ton of other backup classes lined up. I’m so excited to register for these amazing courses! I, at that time only a naive and smol girl, thought to myself.
12:15 pm rolled around, and I leisurely opened my laptop at the tables outside Ferris. I checked SSOL, and then I saw it. Every single one of my classes was fucking full.
Panic washed over me, and I internally screamed, as I instantly opened CULPA, Vergil, RateMyProfessor, EZACU, and the Class of 2021 Facebook to cross-check professors, in the process stress-eating the three Ferris red velvet cookies I had originally saved for later. The task was hopeless; my efforts were for naught. Every single UWriting class that had a professor assigned was already full. Only three or four LitHum sections were available to be switched into.
I wish I could provide you with a happy ending, and tell you that it all ended OK and that I’m OK, but I’m not. My only comfort during these dark, dark times is that I can shed light on my experience, and perhaps prepare you, my reader, for the absolute tomfoolery that is class registration. Good luck, and godspeed.
Tags: 12:30 pm isn't even that late????, bwop tart, class registration ruined my pasta bowl; my day; my week; and perhaps my entire life forever, i wish i had the athletic talent and work ethic required to obtain the athletes' registration time, i would sell my soul to have an early registration time
Written by Bwog Staff
With the onslaught of Thanksgiving, Bwog baby Idris O’Neill wanted to give thanks, or rather a no thanks, to all those Columbia men that ask girls to be part of their threesome fantasies. Here are her thoughts.
For the second time in a month, I was asked to be a part of a threesome. I don’t know what it is about being a Barnard first year that entices these men, but I promise I don’t believe in the “Barnard girls to bed, Columbia girls to wed” thing. I aspire for that ring too, goddammit. This one is for all the Barnard women who find themselves confronted with that awkward “you, me, her” (or him or them) suggestion, but were not adequately prepped by Foundations for it.
Happening in the World: Surgeons have found that a North Korean soldier, who defected Monday, has harbored multiple fully grown parasites in his damaged intestines. Experts say this is a common condition among North Korean defectors, due to the lack of chemical fertilizers and reliance on human excrement for fertilization in impoverished North Korea. (NYT)
Happening in the US: The Senate Judiciary Committee has appointed Trump nominee Brett J. Talley, a three-year lawyer who has never tried a case and was unanimously rated “not qualified” by the American Bar Association, for an Alabama federal judgeship. (LA Times)
Happening in NYC: A huge, five-alarm fire tore through a Hamilton Heights apartment building Friday, inciting nearly 200 firefighters in response and casting dark plumes of smoke over northern Manhattan. (CBS)
Happening on Campus: Columbia New Music, an organization of Columbia-affiliated composers and performers of contemporary music, is having a concert in 112 Dodge Hall. More information can be found on its Facebook event page here.
A Song Recommendation:
Photo via Max Pixel under Public Domain
Written by Sarah Harty
“Written In The Stars” opened Thursday night at the Kraft Center for Jewish Life. The cast is made up of Madison Andrus (CC ’21) , Jack Becker (CC ’21), Camryn Bolkin (GS/JTS ’21), Elli Furukawa (BC ’20), Alison Kahn (BC ’21), Habin Lee (SEAS ’18), Chrisanthi Livadiotis, Sarina Maurice (BC/JTS ’21), Louisa Melcher (CC ’20), Brent Morden (CC ’19), Gabriel Pont (CC/JTS ’20), Carys Snyder (CC ’19), and Rachael Whitley (BC ’21). The show is stage managed by Anna Fondiller (BC ’19) and features choreography by Juliana Forrest (BC ’19), music direction by Morden, and lighting design by Leora Lupkin (BC ’20). Tickets are free and seats can be reserved here.
A Western-themed musical comedy set in outer space sounds like a lot to take on, and a lot to take in. But the cheers of audience members at David Treatman’s (GS/JTS ’20) podcast-inspired, but still original story proved that he didn’t bite off more than he could chew. The witty dialogue, kitschy half-rhymes, and impressive body paint made for an enjoyable evening.
“Written in the Stars” tells the story of Sparks Nevada (Jack Becker), a Martian marshal who is in fact from Earth, and his friends and foes, both human and extraterrestrial. Sparks’ job is righting the outlaw wrongs on Mars, but he has personal issues to deal with as well. His girlfriend isn’t fitting in with the other residents of the planet, someone else wants his job and is willing to kill for it, and a group of mutant bandits are out to get him. What is he to do?
Written by Bwog Staff
Last week in this indie publication called The New York Times, users submitted stories to the Modern Love column. The catch: they were only thirteen words long. We gave this exercise a stab with some Columbia-inspired shorts.
We met at 1020, even though you don’t go here. Now we’re inseparable.
He had an essay due, yet texted me back anyway. Not for long.
Word of advice: don’t bang someone in your Lit Hum class.
We hit it off at 1020, then you whisked me away to Juilliard.
Written by Zack Abrams
Happening Around The World: The Nigerian women’s bobsled team is heading to the 2018 Winter Olympics after crowdfunding $75,000 for their Olympic bid and qualifying over several races. Feel free to make as many Cool Runnings jokes as you want in the comments. (ABC News)
Happening In The US: Minnesota Senator Al Franken has apologized after a photo surfaced of him groping a sleeping woman’s breasts, along with a testimonial by that woman about how Franken forcibly kissed her. He is now facing bipartisan calls for an ethics investigation. (Washington Post)
Happening In NYC: A 30-year-old Australian diplomat has fallen to his death off a Lower East Side apartment during a “trust game” while celebrating the ‘yes’ vote in Australia towards marriage equality. (New York Times)
Happening At Columbia: Today is the Day of Data! Come by Lerner today for a variety of panels, workshops, and events. I’m especially excited for “Data Driven Journalism,” which has two panelists from Buzzfeed!
Overheard: “You know there’s a guy with a very similar style to you… I think it’s because you both use drugs”
Bop of the Day:
Written by Roberta Rhyse
Disclaimer: The irony of this journey is not lost on me, considering that practically every weekend since the beginning of NSOP has concluded at some random EC suite because Columbia’s nightlife is pretty abysmal and, let’s face it, EC is probably our saving grace.
Nonetheless the tale of my upheaval is still very much a tragedy…
It was midterm season and ominous brown patches began to form on our ceiling, but as everybody knows this season means the typical CC student becomes a sleep deprived ‘festive’ walking mess (is this state limited to midterm season? I’m still unsure). Consequently, I considered the weird poop-like marks to be a mere figment of my increasingly limited imagination and went back to sleep since self-care is important. The next day I had awoken from my precious slumber to find the disturbing patches had doubled in size, so we called the oh-so familiar Hartley Hospitality Desk; we call them so much they hate us – that’s a lie the love us, shout out to hospitality! They soon dispatched someone to deal with our shit.
Written by Ross Chapman
As dozens of articles from inside and outside of the Columbia community have already mentioned, Columbia Football is good! Furthermore, they used to be bad! At Bwog, we’ve taken a look at what some football alumni think of the Lions’ newfound success, and we’ve given the professional advice on how to be a bandwagon fan. But with only one game remaining, one question remains – could Columbia become champions again?
The Lions (4-2 Ivy, 7-2 overall) have a clear path to the championship, a feat they have only accomplished once before. Columbia will have to defeat Brown (0-6 Ivy, 2-7 overall) up at Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at 1 pm on Saturday, November 18th, and they will also need the Yale Bulldogs (5-1 Ivy, 8-1 overall) to lose in New Haven against the Harvard Crimson (3-3 Ivy, 5-4 overall). Thankfully, the Ivy football season does not have a needlessly arcane and surprisingly emotional tiebreaker system like Ivy basketball. If the Lions and Bulldogs both end the season at 5-2, they will share the Ivy title honors. And if Dartmouth also ends the season at 5-2, there could be a three-way tie at the top of the league.
The 2017 Lions are lucky to still be in the hunt for a title. A 5-2 team has not won the Ivy League since 1982, when Harvard, Penn, and Dartmouth all tied at the top. (Columbia that year finished 1-6 while giving up 36 points per game to Ivy opponents.) This year’s Ivy League might not have the one dominating force that often rises to the top of the Ancient Eight.
Yale Sports Analytics, one of the leaders in Ivy football and basketball analysis, doesn’t give Columbia great odds for getting a share of the championship. While they pegged a Columbia win over Brown at 80% odds, they consider Yale similarly prohibitive favorites at home against the stagnant Crimson. With Harvard at only a 30% chance of victory, the odds of Columbia winning and Harvard losing work out to only 24%.
One piece of good news, though, is that The Game between Harvard and Yale will start at 12:30 pm, while the Lions will not start playing until 1:00 pm. Fans in the audience will get to follow along, and will know whether or not the Lions’ hopes remain alive. Columbia would love to control its own destiny for the championship. But considering that Columbia Football has not had a meaningful final game of any season since 1971, Saturday’s game is a cause for celebration.
Dance, Lion, Dance via Columbia University Athletics
Written by Megan Wylie
Although climate change has graced us with weather that unfortunately lets people get away with wearing flip flops to class, the cold has finally set in. With winter approaching fast, Staff Writer Megan Wylie researched some tips to prepare yourself for what you’ll see on campus.
Tags: can't wait to trek through black snow on my way to class, I refuse to wait on a 1020 line in this weather, the foxes that died for our Canada geese, tree lighting is overrated but I want those damn free shirts, why are there down feathers all over my room, why is it 200 degrees inside my room, winter is coming
Written by Sarah Dahl
I was googling the hours of Brownie’s Café the other day, and lo-and-behold, I stumbled upon a treasure trove of actually helpful Yelp reviews. You’ve probably read the highlights from our analysis of Yelp and Google reviews of Columbia University overall, but here’s the best (and worst) take on a specific, infamous (famous?) Columbia institution: Brownie’s Café. And yes, Brownie’s does have a four-star Yelp rating.
Tags: always in avery basement when brownie's is closed, bwog reviews yelp reviews, feng shui, i've never actually been here, long yelp review posts, reviews of reviews, what other campus fixtures should we review?, who actually knows how to get to brownie's?, would love to go sometime, yelp should have a review culling service
Written by Sarah Harty
Happening Around The World: The Zimbabwean military have staged a takeover of President Robert Mugabe’s government, ending nearly four decades of his rule over the country. The military denies the move is a coup, insisting on an immediate return to constitutional order. However, Mugabe’s successor is still up for debate, leaving the country without an official leader. (BBC)
Happening In The US: The death toll from yesterday’s mass shooting in Northern California has risen to six, after the gunman’s wife’s body was found under the floor in their house. He joins countless other shooters who have a history of violence against women, including the perpetrator of last week’s massacre at a Texas church. (ABC News)
Happening In NYC: TFW you can’t find decent NY housing and some literal insects can? Thousands of honeybees have been shipped from California into the green roof at the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center. Maybe they’ll find company with some of Hillary Clinton’s balloons. (ABC NY7)
Happening At Columbia: The Lenfest Center for the Arts is hosting a screening of the new film “Risk” and a discussion with its director, Laura Poitras. “Risk” follows WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange over six years and culminates with his relationship to the 2016 election. The event, held in the Katharina Otto-Bernstein Screening Room, is at capacity, but a standby line will form at 5:45.
Overheard: “They’re playing Christmas music in Ferris? Ok, it’s dead to me.”
Written by Maggie Moran
On Tuesday afternoon, Staff Writer Maggie Moran attended a Keynote speech, The State of Human Rights in the World Today, as part of Columbia’s World Leaders Forum. Topics covered included digital ethics, cyber warfare, and polka-dot socks. Sound interesting? Read on to hear more about the event.
On Tuesday afternoon, I had the opportunity to hear Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein, U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights, speak. This event took place in Casa Italiana’s Teatro (that’s Italian for theater), whose Ionic columns and chandeliers are fit for only the worldliest of audiences. President Bollinger introduced Al Hussein sporting an eye-catching emerald green necktie, as if I weren’t already captivated. Fashion choices aside, Bollinger did a great job highlighting Al Hussein’s lengthy and impressive track record. Before becoming the HCHR in 2014, he served as Jordan’s Permanent Representative to the UN, as well as president of the UN’s Security Council. During his tenure as HCHR, he has confronted a variety of social issues at all levels, condemning both domestic and international terrorist groups. He also played a large role in the advancement and negotiation for the International Criminal Court, and has rebuked Donald Trump for his comments regarding the Charlottesville protests.
Al Hussein began by describing the two extremes he experienced when, within 8 days, he went from being in Silicon Valley to visiting Libya, one of the few countries in which the UN has no permanent presence. The difference between peering into the future and being transported into a barbaric past was mind-blowing. His job, in a nutshell, is to promote “a deeper consciousness of rights”. Global politics is putting that mission under much duress today, and although he believes that ending poverty, world hunger, and similar issues plaguing the world today is an achievable goal, many world leaders are turning away from potential solutions.
Written by Alex Tang
Now that we’re two months deep into the semester, and with Thanksgiving coming up next week, many of us are sleep-deprived, swamped in work, and losing steam. Luckily, for the officers and the attendees (including yours truly), last night’s General Studies Student Council meeting was short and sweet. Bwog’s GSSC Bureau Chief, Alex Tang, brings us updates for upcoming initiatives, events, and food giveaways.
To start off the meeting, GSSC’s Students with Disabilities Representative, Jonathan Criswell, introduced the council to the new Students with Disabilities Survey. The survey will be sent out to the GSSC community, and is aimed at pinpointing any “financial issues, issues of accessibility, issues of morale and discrimination, and any potential issues” that affect GSSC’s population of students with disabilities. The council briefly reviewed the survey, and certain members suggested semantic changes in the language of the survey. After further review, the survey will be sent out to the GS student body, and all respondents will be entered into a raffle for a $50 gift card.
Under the guidance of Julia Hewitt, the Family and Working Students Representative, GSSC is also working on a survey for students with families. This shorter survey (also with a $50 gift card raffle) is aimed at granting GSSC a better understanding of the demographics and circumstances of the population.
Finally, the council approved funding for the First Year Dinner, which will happen on Friday, December 1 from 6-8pm at Amity Hall. The event is intended for first-year students to reconnect after their first semester at Columbia. GSSC will work with Amity Hall to make the dinner open to all students 18 and over.
Written by Ross Chapman
If you’re interested in materially affecting Columbia’s food insecurity issue, take a look at an event being held today by The Food Bank at Columbia. Bwog has already taken a look at The Food Bank this year as it aims to provide consistent and meaningful relief. Coming up today from 4-7 pm in Lerner 555 is a silent auction to directly benefit The Food Bank.
Highlighting the auction are guest speeches from Paige West (an Anthropology professor at Barnard) and Peter Awn (Dean of the School of General Studies). But some of the offered items might catch your eye better than a dean’s speech. Mark Gyourko of The Food Bank tells us that auctioned items will include Apple iMac computers, a gift certificate to Toast, and unlimited board play from Hex & Co. The event is targeted to the Columbia community at large, so students are welcome! If you want to buy anything, though, make sure to bring cash or check – Venmo and credit will not be accepted.
Image via The Food Bank at Columbia
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