This is the seventh post in the senior wisdom series. Read the rest here.

Greta Gerwig, B ‘06
Claims to fame: Tea Party improvisatory comedy, Varsity Show 111, writin’ plays.

What are three things you learned at Columbia?

I’m a douche-bag if I say I go to Columbia. You can work the myth of Sisyphus into any paper. There’s enough room for two improv groups at this school: Tea Party and Klaritin.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less.

Getting cast as the star of Varsity Show, starring in Varsity Show, being recognized for starring in Varsity Show. Varsity Varsity Varsity.

What Columbia memory best exemplifies your college experience?

Telling my professor that I couldn’t turn in my paper on time because I had fallen in love.

What was your favorite controversy in your time at Columbia?

The two people who had sex on top of Low causing Lerner Pub to be taken away. I know who they are.

Which Prof do you think would be the best kisser?

James Shapiro. Firm but tender.

What percentage of seniors do you think are virgins?

I think a better question is “what percentage of seniors have had sex with only one person?” I would say a lot.

Would you rather permanently give up oral sex or cheese?

Don’t ever put those things in the same sentence…cheese.

Days on Campus memory?

The minute I figured out I did not, in fact, have to go to any of the activities.

Regrets?

CAVAing myself. If I was sober enough to look up their number and dial the
phone, I probably didn’t need their services.