From fool to phat in four easy steps

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In which freshman Bwog contributor extraordinaire Dan D’Addario gives you a guide to being, at least superficially, a cool kid.

Columbia is full of those of us (myself included) who listened to Sufjan Stevens in high school and thus considered ourselves far too cool for those who listened to Dave Matthews Band. Well, karma has struck in the form of a school riddled with actually cool people who know a lot about music – and your well-worn copy of the Arcade Fire’s Funeral is yesterday’s news. What follows is a guide to making yourself part of the in-crowd in four steps. Think of it as one-third of the twelve-step program for Lameaholics Anonymous.

Disclaimer: I love hipsters, and I am the lamest person I know (I could present my most-played-songs list off iTunes as proof), so no malice is intended towards either group.

LL1. Get rid of any music from a major label.

It’s an empirical fact that music produced on a major label is inferior to true indie music.* Note that Transatlanticism was beloved by every cool person you know, but Plans was universally ignored. (Death Cab’s appearance on “The O.C.” certainly didn’t help matters). I
OMdon’t know any cool music, either; I suggest asking the person on your floor with the loudest stereo and the thickest horn-rim glasses what he or she is listening to, then going on www.pandora.com and finding anything tangentially related to it. Or just buy the first five records you see on Pitchfork. (I know. I secretly love Lindsay Lohan’s first album too. If we’re strong, we can get through this process together. On to step two…)


JJs2. Change your scene.

Hanging out at JJ’s? Why not try getting into Don Hill’s or Bungalow 8? They may not serve chicken fingers and smoothies of questionable nutritional content, but you will learn to love New Wave music and the dancing (or, at least, the sweating) will help you fit into your skinny jeans – more on that later.

art3. Stop watching bad TV.

The walls in the dorms are thin (as you may have found out already). All your neighbors know about your “Flavor of Love” habit, and they’re all judging. (By the way, who do you think Flav will pick? Really? Deelishis? But she… sorry, I got side
housetracked). We’re unsure what it is hipsters watch. Just to be safe, don’t use your television for anything other than screening Godard films and “The Office” – but for the love of God, not the American version. If necessary, allow yourself one thirty-minute block of House of Carters a week – but NO MORE than that.

skinny4. Burn your boot-cuts.

Skinny jeans. Skinny, skinny, skinny jeans. If you’re not in skinny jeans, I suggest leggings – which are apparently for men now, if the linen-shorts-and-leggings-clad he-hipster sighted on College Walk a few days ago is any indication.

*The one exception: Justin Timberlake, whom everyone, hip or lame, loves.

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  1. BOO  

    this freshman clearly does not undrestand the love of irony innate to hipsters. watching "flavor of love"? SO IRONIC. lindsay lohan is also pretty ironic. justin timberlake is just straight up good music. I can't even tell whether this was supposed to be funny.

  2. well  

    if this isn't the most hamhanded attempt at satire I've ever read. Real hipsters know that these jokes went out in 2003.

  3. Reni

    Bungalo 8 does not make you cool. I've been there many times and saw drunken Paula Abdul puke all over herself. NOT COOL.

  4. bleh  

    This article was innocuous enough until that disclaimer. Grow a pair, kid. Or actually say something severe enough to merit a disclaimer.

  5. if you wanna  

    be cool, blast MC Hammer and Run DMC ALL NIGHT LONG. Trust me, I'm cool so u knoe im rollin wit da dawgz fo realz

  6. why are there  

    so many asshole commenters on the bwog? give him a break. i think all you faux-hipsters lurking behind your monitors out there just can't take the satire...grow a pair yourself

  7. hahah  

    not really. teh truth is this struck a nerve w/teh large toolbag hipster contingent on campus.

    go to facebook and you'll see the obvious pride in heading to marquee, bungalow etc while teh plebians are playing pong or being the biggest fan of teh 8th band the deathcab frontman has started while all the rest listen to zepplin

  8. third person gaffes  

    I don't like the third person "bwog forgot" "bwog is late for class" shit normally, but it's truly ridiculous in this article since you've already attributed the authorship to Dan D'Addario, and he has used the word "I" and "myself." (Reference:"sorry, Bwog got side tracked").

    Also, almost all hip people have some mainstream music, if only to prove that they aren't trying too hard. Like me, I am the hippest person I know, undoubtably because I have many songs by both mariah and kelly. Furthermore, clubbers and hipsters are not really the same.

  9. shitty post  

    Death Cab pretty much blows all around no matter what album you site. Emo much like grunge was great when the innovators first started it (i.e. Nirvana; Elliot Smith) and then went to shit (i.e. Bush; Death Cab). Dave Matthews Band is commercial and boring now but any show and any album of theirs from the 90s blows all other bands away other than Radiohead. The second that a n artistic trend is associated with a type of fashion that new idea is an old idea and already bastardized. Don't look at me funny when I ask if I can get in on that joint and you give me a look as if i wash my face with aborted baby because "its a cigarette man...not a joint jesus." Thats sweet I wonder where you fit the Bali Shag bag in those spandex like cord pants Archie.

  10. like the railroad  

    no hipsters read blogs online. rumor has it that the hippest hipsters blog on paper, passing updates from hipster to hipster through the NYPL copy of Jonathan Safron Foer. They're so hipster god couldn't lift them

  11. Agreed  

    I just want to express my agreement with poster number eleven.

  12. back up  

    i for one liked it... the hipstermocking and the writing style. more like this please

  13. Yo....  

    Hipster mocking or no, these are words to live by! Don't listen to crappy music, don't watch crappy tv, go out (leave campus once in a while), dress... fashionably(?). Alright, maybe not that last bit-- atleast care about your appearance there folks. Maybe we should all take a moment to examine what hipsters have done for us lately.
    HUG A HIPSTER! Learn from them... just don't catch their STDs.
    (Sarcasm trasmitted diseases).

  14. what is  

    a hipster, anyway anymore?

    i proclaim hipsters over. fuck those bohemian consumers.

  15. !!!  

    The hipster today is what the flaneur was to Benjamin in his day, nothing more than 'a spy in the service of the capitlists.'

  16. agree  

    i agree, he's aesthetically pleasing

  17. hipster  

    sunlandic twins? pfff, hissing fauna blows it out of the water...

  18. dan, bro  

    ...give it a year or two. you'll get it.

  19. jesus  

    i hate everything you stand for

  20. DPD

    What a coincidence, "anonymous" commenter. I would say I hated everything you stand for, but it turns out you stand for nothing. Good luck at your disciplinary hearing!

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