8 CommentsWelcome to the first installment of BwogSex, a weekly column to answer all the questions you’re afraid to ask in polite conversation. Got issues? Post them as a comment on this anonymous thread, and we’ll pose them to the Bwog Sex Committee. Kinkier the better!
Q: “Help! Almost every night my male neighbor insists on having loud sex with his girlfriend. I can hear both of them talking and groaning, etc, and his bed knocks against my wall. How can I make them stop so that I can sleep, in a way that’s not too mean and won’t make things awkward?
– Kept Up By Sex
A: KUBS, the infamous eighteenth century French hostess Jeanne Julie Eleonore de Lespinasse once exclaimed to a former lover, “You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.” I would submit that, as much as you may try to deny it, you suffer from a similar affliction. Your question suggests this is a fairly regular occurrence, and yet you have apparently eschewed the foregone action on what is, ultimately, not a difficult problem to solve.
Admit it: you like hearing your neighbors have sex. Try lightening up. After all, there are worse problems (and turn-ons) in the world. It’s fun to hear other people having sex, it’s free pornography (albeit without visuals), and there’s the added bonus that it’s (probably) real, which is always hot. When you graduate, you’ll move off into the real word, where your apartment walls will likely be thicker and your neighbors may not be so young and horny. Enjoy it while you can!
If, however, your neighbor and his friend are ugly (decreasing the value of the above suggestion) and you’re too embarrassed to your RA, just bang on the wall. That way, you’ve expressed your displeasure but avoided a face-to-face discussion of the incident, and they’ll probably quiet down. What is he going to do, get in an argument through the wall that he can only fuck loudly? Unless they’re exhibitionists–in which case you might want to apply for a room transfer. Good luck and happy masturbating!
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8 Comments
@possible culprit I’ve been that girl, still am, in fact. All the neighbor has to to is bang on the wall and they should shut up if they have any decency. Alternatively: have some loud sex of your own!
@Solution Just shout: “hey [insert female name]! He’s been fucking a dude on [nights when she isn’t there]” — that should do it.
@those ear plugs look like little penises. probably like the kind your neighbor has if he has to move so much.
@hey! Columbia beds are really squeaky, maybe he can’t help being so loud! Also, where else is he gonna have sex if not in his room? Buy some ear plugs!
@Satisfied Customer Try these!
http://www.hearos.com
@um... these are all joke responses, right? because you wouldn’t actually just talk to your neighbor about it, right?
@better Go to boredatbutler and post a long expetive-filled tirade about how ugly and fat the chick is, and how loud their ugly sex is. Make sure to include their full names and anything they’ve been screaming out during sex. That should do it.
@what an inadequate response. This is a serious problem I’ve personally experienced, during finals week no less! There is only one sure solution: strip off your clothes, walk over to his room and knock on his door. When he opens it you will be standing there buck naked, asking him if he requires assistance.