6 Comments
In which Bwog continues in its fine tradition of shamelessness and provides you with a sneak-peek at our upcoming issue. In this installment, Addison Anderson takes on
Soap Dispensable
When The Blue and White discovered that CTV was launching a new soap opera, The Gates, we rued the limitations of our medium. We too want sex! Emo! Technicolor! But we can merely imagine how the script of a
SCENE 1
GAVIN FISTOL, innocent square-jawed quarterback, is sitting on the bed of leggy Stressbuster KELLY LANYOVICH.
GAVIN
It sure is nice of you to offer a shoulder massage.
KELLY
(smoldering) You’ve got a very important shoulder. (touching his shoulders)
Ooh, so much tension.
GAVIN
I know. I shouldn’t worry about my classes so much.
KELLY
Let me help you unwind.
KELLY tears GAVIN’s shirt off.
GAVIN
Um.
KELLY
Yeah?
GAVIN
Jeez-louise, Kelly, haven’t you heard that consent is sexy?
KELLY
But is it (raises eyebrow) sexiest? Now shut up and kiss me!
Continue reading after the jump!
GAVIN
No!…I don’t want to. And you have a boyfriend!
KELLY
Carlos? I don’t want Carlos, I want Gavin Fistol.
GAVIN
Carlos has been really nice to me. Even though I’m competing for his job, he even sent me to you, his Stressbuster girlfriend, ‘cause I was having a hard time.
KELLY
(insistent) His mistake!
GAVIN:
I may be from
KELLY:
(frantic) What? No! Wh-what? (her face twitches and her eyes turn red) Negative! System overload! Cannot compute!
KELLY’s head explodes in a burst of steel and sparks.
GAVIN
Robot?! A robot! (turning away, raising fist) She must have refused to seduce me, so Carlos turned her into a robot to make her do it!
KELLY
(robot voice coming out of a speaker in neck) But I…always…wanted to…human-love you. But I am just a…robot.
GAVIN
Damn you, Carlos! (smoldering, turns to leave) I gotta go to class.
SCENE 2
Suddenly DEX enters.
DEX
Hwa! What is the meaning of this?!
Hello, Dexter. Just looking for that pen you borrowed after our last (raises eyebrow) interview.
DEX walks to window, contemplates skyline, turns his head back toward her over his shoulder.
DEX
(smoldering) Sure. Listen, pumpkin—
Don’t fuck with me, Davian-Weinstein.
DEX
Fine, have it your way, Pu.
DEX walks to bookshelf, contemplates books, turns his head back toward her over his shoulder.
DEX
You think I’m putting up unapproved posters and you want to splatter my guts across your front page.
Then where are they coming from, Dex? Are students so impressed with your chicanery that they made them on their own?
DEX walks to wall, contemplates wall, turns his head back toward her over his shoulder.
DEX
Chicanery, you say? I don’t know who ran over the subway party with that bus. I was on my yacht, and you of all people can (raises eyebrow) verify my alibi. And perhaps my future constituents already like me enough to poster for me. You certainly thought I was…what was your word? (raises other eyebrow) “impressive.”
ELIZABETH slaps DEX, spinning his head 360 degrees. Metallic sparks fly from his neck.
DEX
Please let yourself out of my suite. And here’s a headline for your paper: The sophomore class are belong to us!
You mean a quote?
DEX
No. And put it in that I raised my fist when I said it. Goodbye, Pu. Goodbye all of you.
Damn you, robots! (smoldering, turns to leave) I gotta go to class.
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6 Comments
@personally I prefer smouldering. It’s much more sultry, and quaint. Takes of the technological edge, makes it more CC appropriate.
@gosh lots of smoldering
@and twins! Um i would like to point out there were no evil twins in this
and i’m sorry for making that now dated reference
@lame lame-o
@Hugh Manrobonicus I find all this anti-robot propaganda disturbing and tasteless. Robots are people just like you and me.
@That... sounds a lot like what a robot would say… (dun dun duuuuuuunn!)
(Hugh Manrobonicus’s head explodes inn a shower of metal and sparks)