Holiday Sandwich Spectacular

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As promised, we’ve reviewed those silly holiday sandwiches for the benefit of the consumer- you! Correspondent Dena Yago offers the following appraisal.

Religious culinary politics, a pre-eminent topic this time of year, has revealed itself not so subtly on behalf of the $5.50 Holiday Sandwiches sold around campus. My experience with these creations left me unscathed, if eleven dollars poorer in my much-guarded freshman points.

Where to begin? Unaware of the conflict I was about to incite, I simultaneously purchased the Chanukah sandwich, made of corned beef brisket on a potato roll with “Jewish” mustard and pickled cabbage, and the Kwanzaa wrap, made of roasted sweet potatoes with caramelized onions and cranberry chutney. The Christmas sandwich could only be eaten a day later, as Cafe 212 ran out of the hot commodity, and it refused to comment on its – ahem – segregation.  

Regarding the latter, the Christmas sandwich came in two guises: either a roast turkey wrap with cranberry mayonnaise and roast sweet potatoes, or honey baked ham on ficelle with grilled pineapple and sweet red peppers. Both of these were considerably more filling than the other two sandwiches, presumably much like the Christian faith. All went well while eating this Jesus sandwich; it was much like a full meal for my finals-famished body. Then I thought to myself, “What would Jesus have on his holiday sandwich?”and I realized that he would probably be found sitting in Nazareth, licking some Jewish mustard off of his beard while reverently saving some beef brisket for God.

But back to the previous day, when I overestimated my stomach’s capacity and bought both the Kwanzaa and Chanukah sandwich. The sweet potato battled with the salt soaked corn beef in my stomach, creating a mixture of tastes that I strove to avoid later by opting for the saltier Christmas wrap over the sweet and honey baked Christmas sandwich. I realized I had made the largest mistake of a culinary food critic; I did not allow the flavorful creations enough time to come into their own.

While I ingested religious stereotypes, numerous questions began crossing my mind: Why was the Kwanzaa sandwich vegetarian? Why was the only condiment Jewish mustard? Why be so insensitive to reduce centuries of racial struggle and oppression into a spinach wrap? What would a Scientologist sandwich taste like?

While I am not sure I have the answers to many of these existentially plaguing questions, I can affirm this much: I was fulfilled and satisfied. And to answer the most consequential question of all: a Scientologist sandwich would probably taste like money. [Ed. note: Add this to our astute suggestion of a possible agnostic sandwich.]

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  1. Oh Dena

    This was so fucking unfunny. And offensive. NICE.

  2. jewsus  

    "Both of these were considerably more filling than the other two sandwiches, presumably much like the Christian faith."

    You're kidding me, right? Please tell me you're kidding...

  3. Oh, come on.  

    Lighten up people and give them the benefit of the doubt.

  4. DHI  

    There should have been jokes about the blood and body of Christ.

  5. this post  

    sucks a lot of hole.

  6. an agnostic sandiwch  

    may have bread - or it may not. It may have condiments - or it may not. It may have some sort of lunch meat - or it may not. But anyone who says they know is lying.

    An atheist sandwich, on the other hand, definitely has none of the above.

    • hmm  

      I mean, I guess that's true if you equate bread and meat to god. Couldn't god just be a different kind of bread and meat?

      I know you're joking, but I wish the lack of religion didn't have to be lumped in with religion all the time.

  7. Columbian  

    Have you seen the Starbucks Christmas/Hanukkah cookies? They are star-shaped Christmas cookies, but in blue and white (ie Hanukkah colors!) to a multi-denominational good time. Now they can sell holiday cookies to members of 2 religions instead of just one. How business-savvy!

  8. RSS  

    RSS feed isn't working.

  9. Anonymous  

    Look, we get it, bwoggers like using flowery language. But I still don't know if the sandwiches are good...

  10. Very clever  

    Now how were the SANDWICHES?

  11. The  

    Jesus wrap appears to be properly circumcised. However, the Kwanzaa wrap is best served with a broom handle between the buns. Is the mustard Jewish because it's cheap?

  12. asdas  

    its called jewish mustard on the wrapper.

  13. dear god  

    isn't it evident to you that bwog clearly finds a mouthful of witty commentary far more digestable than any questionable lerner lunch? go beg spec to resume production if you so crave the literal- and oh-so-patronizing straightforward.

  14. soooooo  

    ...apparently, not only is she an asshole, but she works for Columbia Housing and Dining Services.

  15. are you kidding?  

    Are you people really offended? Come on. It's called humor. Do yourself a favor and don't ever watch Chapelle. If anything should offend you, it's that Columbia has produced holiday sandwiches that reduce the various holidays that in their essence are quite serious to trite generalizations. IMO the post was funny and well-written. Lighten up people.

  16. my only qualm  

    is that this was supposed to be a food review and it was anything but. Please, just one word about the sandwiches.

  17. Sprinkles  

    For what it's worth, I like the festive green color of the wrap.

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