Sep

9

The Worst Night of My Life, Brought to You By Britney’s Weave; Or, “Gimme Less”

Written by

In which Bwog Arts correspondent Daniel D’Addario watches MTV so you don’t have to. Promise him you won’t.

britneyThis is the worst thing ever to happen to America. I am stuffing my face with Westside Market cheddar on crackers to smother my feelings; from next door, the smell of pot reminds me that hope is still possible. I’m moments into the Video Music Awards, precious time I could have spent writing a novel or teaching children to sing or crying softly into my pillow.

The show begins with a close-up shot of Britney Spears’s weave – not artfully done, Brit – and my fantasies that she’d go bald for the show seem to have evaporated. Moments later, I’ll be fantasizing that Britney Spears were standing upright, walking in a straight line, and not using “slowly shuffling like Linus Van Pelt” to simulate “dancing.” I’ve given more compelling performances while singing “Like a Prayer” in the shower. She lies down; her backup dancers try to lift her up; they struggle. I stop eating the cheese. Britney lipsynchs (need it be said?) terribly the line, “I still want more.” Indeed.

Reaction shots: 50 Cent, nonplussed. Rihanna, cracking up. Dan D’Addario, smiling wistfully at memories of “Umbrella,” through unshed tears.

50centSarah Silverman bombs brilliantly, with a series of jokes about Ms. Spears: “Isn’t she amazing? Only 25, and she’s already accomplish everything she’ll ever accomplish.”

 Jennifer Garner looks enraged, which, chill, Sydney Bristow, no one said shit about Alias. Why are you here? Why is anyone here?

Alicia Keys comes on and rants for a few minutes, thanking Sarah Silverman for not making fun of her. All the lesbian jokes have been made, Alicia. Some other stuff happens; the memories are fuzzy. The reason why is, instead of defined set pieces or even beginnings or ends of performances, whatever drug-addled monkey is directing this show cuts into and out of acts going on in random hotel rooms at the Palms.

hillsAwards-wise: Rihanna wins something, endears herself to America further. Beyonce takes her award either way too seriously or not seriously enough, with a near-nip slip on the way. Justin Timberlake, out of his mind on some substance, tells MTV to play more videos. Hopefully not “What Goes Around Comes Around.” The Hills girls give Justin a second award, and remind me that not all television is bad weaves, cokey clenched jaws, and an audience who doesn’t understand where they are. Sometimes it’s The Hills – well-directed; energetic; coherent; Spencer Pratt aside, less painful than getting hit in the face by Britney’s weave. I turn off MTV. The rest is still unwritten.

Sports correspondent David Iscoe updates us on Sunday Night Football:

Meanwhile Jason Witten has come through with a pretty good performance on Sunday Night Football. 5 catches for 78 yards including a touchdown.

Ok, the terrible, terrible Giants just recovered a fumble on the kickoff. Football sucks.

And it looks like they just stole the ball in the pile after the actual recovery. The NFL is illegitimate and nobody should watch it.

 FOOTBALL IS GREAT!!!!

John Madden tries to explain how the Giants’ kicker can get dehydrated despite only coming in a handful of times a game to kick a ball. “Sometimes they warm up so much and kick so many balls into the net that they just hyperventilate themselves.”

Somewhere in America, someone is watching the movie Little Giants. That person is the only person in the country watching the Giants beat the Cowboys, arguably because Tom Coughlin didn’t have the balls to call the Annexation of Puerto Rico.

The Hills airs Monday nights at 10. Never, ever watch anything else on MTV. Or sports.

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23 Comments

  1. how unfortunate  

    Britney Spears has officially dethroned Kanye West's ego as the most ridiculous thing... oh yeah, ever.

    • Uh huh  

      The dancing was utterly zombielike, but she looked pretty good considering how bad she has looked as recently as two weeks ago. I guess celebs drop and pick up weight like kids from karate practice nowadays.

      The song isn't bad. Brit just looked doped up.

  2. DPD  

    http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/15338459.html#cutid1
    Via ONTD, Britney's performance - watch it while you can. At 1:30, she leans a bit too heavily on her backup dancer's arm for support; at about 2:15, she gives up the ghost of lip-synching and opts to sway rhythmically.

  3. well done  

    good piece, bwog. and gosh, could britney have been any worse? i pine for the days of "slave 4 u" (and i'm a girl. a straight girl)

  4. horrified  

    that picture of britney is horrendous. and john madden is always a hoot.

  5. picture  

    Would you prefer this picture of Britney?

    http://img13.imagevenue.com/img.php?image=04581_britneypussy2_122_533lo.JPG

    WARNING: THIS PICTURE OF BRITNEY SPEARS SHOWING HER VAGINA SHOWS BRITNEY SPEARS' VAGINA

  6. I actually  

    Almost shed a tear watching this performance...

    And now i've just finished watching her other performances on youtube... she's fallen so damn hard.

    One must wonder... does she want people to take her seriously or was this alllll a gimmick for us to leave her the hell alone?

  7. hey dan

    this joke was awesome, even if you didn't mean to make it:

    The Hills girls give Justin a second award, and remind me that not all television is bad weaves, cokey clenched jaws, and an audience who doesn't understand where they are. Sometimes it's The Hills

  8. yeah right  

    she didn't look good at all. you could get lost in those fat rolls.

  9. why is this posted?  

    Why was this posted? Is BWOG making a transition to full bloghood regardless of the content's relation to Columbia?

  10. one thing  

    While I did think she didn't look attractive last night...she used to get a ton of shit from people about being an unrealistic role model for girls in the same way barbie and supermodels are. she gains some weight and now you're up in arms about that too? (i'm assuming at least some of the people criticizing her now were in the crowd of people saying things like "buy her a burger"). even the newspapers and tv stations are guilty of this two faced attack. granted that outfit was not meant for her body, she just cant do anything right in the public's eyes

  11. Riven  

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=ihH6TpxPcRI

    For all of you who want to see the crappy show by britney again.

  12. it's just that

    it is REALLY hard to live up to people's standards once they've seen your vagina.

  13. We need  

    More coverage of the hills

  14. oh the hills!  

    if only LC went to columbia and audrina was in my bed right now then id be a lot happier!

  15. fan  

    still giggling about "shuffling like Linus Van Pelt"

    way to go, Dan.

  16. SO SAD  

    remember when britney could sing? yeah, me neither - but i do remember when she was a kick ass dancer. she was only barely going through the motions here.

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