Professor Voicemails

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Bwog called some of Columbia’s biggest names in the middle of the night to hear their outgoing voicemail messages. Here’s what they–or rather their TAs–recorded. 

“This is Shane, we’ll take messages for Bruce Robbins. You can record after the beep.”

“You’ve reached the office of Ann Douglas at Columbia. Professor Douglas doesn’t take messages um, at this extension. You should try reaching her via email.”

“Hello this is Michael Golston in the Columbia English department. Uh, I’m not at my desk right now but if you leave a message I will get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you and bye-bye.”

“Hello, you’ve reached the the office of Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak. This is the direct line of Stephanie King, her assistant. Please leave you name and number, including the spelling of your name, and someone will get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you very much.”

“You have reached telephone of the director for the Heyman Center for the Humanities. He can’t be at the telephone just now. You could leave a message for him on this machine or if it’s a matter of some urgency, you could speak to his assistant.”

“You’ve reached Taylor Carman in the Philosophy department at Barnard College. You could leave a message after the beep.”




  1. wow  

    that was incredibly uninteresting

  2. Sumaiya

    I loved it! And I love Taylor Carman.

  3. sed  

    Yea I mean good idea, but when you call and realize there's nothing funny, you have to come to your senses and realize there's no story here. Not all ideas have to be turned into posts...

  4. green

    it's taking all my willpower and kindness to resist commenting/elaborating on one particular aspect of this story. don't tempt me, bwog.

  5. dude  

    when did bwog become so obsessed with bruce robbins? there's a post about him everyday...

  6. cmon green!  

    it's anonymous.

  7. green

    i want in on the Bruce Robbins fan club

  8. luv  

    bruce robbins is my god

  9. i

    taylor carman and how he is generally happy and bemused

  10. oops

    the above comment was supposed to say "I

  11. O Jack  

    what about Jack Snyder, I feel like he would have a phenomenal voice message

  12. Joseph Parent  

    Also, for us poly-sci kids, I think Joseph Parent is a winner, he probably curses in his message

  13. js's voicemail

    hi, you've reached jack snyder. you can me e-mail me at...or you can reach one of the institute staff at...thank you.
    his lectures are ace, he responds to his e-mail at all hours and tells good jokes. i like this man.

  14. You've reached  

    the voicemail of hehehehe Susan Pedersen. I'm not available to take you're call right now seeing as I'm hehehehe rasing two children. But if you leave a message, maybe when they graduate high school I'll hehe get back to you. Cheers!

  15. rjt  

    I like this. This is what the Bwog should be: stuff that has no right being interesting but somehow is.

  16. best voicemail  

    a professor i worked with at nyu. it's just his first name, yelled loudly and quickly rapidly followed by a beep that lasts longer than the message.

    • wait  

      the key question is, does this voicemail begin with "please leave a message" or "you've reached the voicemail of" in some automated voice? Or does it ring, and hit the machine really quickly and then beep?

  17. let's be real  

    bruce robbins is an inconsistent lecturer and sometimes kind of a dick. he's not terrible, but he's not even close to being one of the better faculty members in the english department (his excellent syllabi notwithstanding).

  18. bwog  

    you can reimburse me for the 75 seconds of my life that I just lost (plus the time that it takes me to write my criticism) in either money or sexual favors. your choice

    • Bwog  

      With the current time:sexual favor time exchange rate, you are owed about 0.1 seconds of sexual favors. This would probably best be accomplished by the "tenth of a second handjob," also known as a swift punch in the crotch.

      • hmm  

        Given that the speed of a professional punch is about 10m/s, and the mass of human arm is on the order of 5kg, your proposition of a 0.1s handjob would produce a force of (10)(5)/(0.1) = 500 N. Spread over the cumulative 50cm^2 area of my balls, this will result in an average pressure of 100kPa directly on my nuts. Titillating!

      • wait  

        Wait, this means that if I spend an hour and fifteen minutes reading Bwog, I'm entitled to 6 seconds of pleasure. Considering how long I've probably wasted over the past year, and it's about time for a quickie.

  19. ARR  

    AHHHHH SCARY PICTURE#@#@!#@##@$#@$!@%!%@

    I should dress as Spivak tomorrow night.

  20. what about  

    Wen Jin
    Simon Schama
    Kenneth Jackson

  21. Yoo reeach  

    Wen Jin awfice. Pweese leave messaaage after beep. Thank you come again.

  22. sheet  

    i didn't know these people had assistants who take their calls. and that guy shane who answers for bruce robbins is a freeeeaaaak

  23. Golston  

    Golston is a golden god. I love that lunatic. CU should totally poach more quality profs from other schools like him./

  24. macadam

    you must find out macadam's voice message. it is probably awesome.

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