Nov

7

An Introduction To Napping

Written by

Bwog daily editor Alexandra Muhler endeavors to help students nap safely and effectively.

As freshmen, many Columbia students recognize the deep fatigue that the frenzy of the last two years of high school has wrought in their bones. Well, now you have two years to select a major, so take a break (or many), relax your pupils, and wrap yourself in your Bed, Bath & Beyond duvet. But first, read this introduction and find what type of nap will work for your schedule, so that your life won’t be ruined by the worst breed of sleep – the rogue nap.

 

1) Napoleonic Naps – Few people are aware that naps are named for Napoleon.  All of those who are believe it because I lied and told them so.  It may not appear on his Wiki, but Napoleon was accustomed to sleeping four or five hours a night and working in ten to thirty minute naps in between meetings.  If your bed is snuggly enough and your room is dark enough, this will work as a great after-lunch, before-Lit Hum cure-all.

 

2) In-Class Naps – An inferior variety of nap, characterized by instants of nightmarish mixture of whatever the lecturer is discussing and your little anxieties and surreal dream tropes. Still worse is the repeated snap of your neck under the weight of your head that occurs when your neck muscles relax.  This nap is excellent, though, as entertainment to more alert but equally uninterested students in your class.

 

3) Friday Naps – If you party on weekends and work hard on weeknights, you probably get less sleep in six days than you ought to get in a single day. So abandon your Friday afternoon commitments and kill your hangover with nature’s placebo: hours and hours of deep, drunken sleep.

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10 Comments

  1. lol  

    i just woke up from a nap to read this. but what is a rogue nap?

  2. The Dink  

    A rogue nap is like a rogue wave, in that it appears for no apparent reason and sinks oil tankers. The difference is that a rogue nap is a giant wall of sleep traveling at high velocities and accompanied by Metallica's "Enter Sandman", as opposed to a rogue wave which is made of water and plays Primus' "Frizzle Fry"

  3. Waking up  

    suddenly from an in-class nap is the most embarrassing thing in the world.

  4. umm  

    Why do I care about this? Not long enough to be funny, but just long enough for me to be pissed that I read it. It really made no sense

    • roynYES  

      here is a great plan that i have devised: people who post comments like this should go fuck themselves. i have almost certainly wasted more time reading sentence-long putdowns by people named "umm" than i have ever spent reading shitty posts on this blog, regardless of how many posts up here actually are shitty.

      also, short things are frequently funny

  5. positive feedback  

    dear alexandra,

    i liked this. do not let yourself be affected by bwog commenters. they're just sexually frustrated.

    love,
    your secret admirer

  6. Michael Scott  

    "short things are frequently funny"

    This is just waiting to be turned into something dirty...

  7. Erm...  

    I found this funny, but for the love of God, WHY is it in Times New Roman? What happened to good ol’ Garamond?

    By the way, my room in the Woodbridge shaft gets no sunlight at all (if I’m awake, I have to have a light on to see), so its singular advantage is that it’s great for naps.

  8. You forgot

    the Marathon Nap. I suggest purposely structuring your class schedule to allow for a 2+ hour nap each day.

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