Assassins Report: “Like My First Sexual Experience I Was Worried About Pulling the Trigger Too Early.”

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February 22nd marked the official start of 2008’s CU Assassins, a game “of espionage, stealth, and resourcefulness” (according to sponsor ESC’s website). With nearly 4 days of gameplay behind CU’s most resourceful/stealth, the death toll keeps climbing. ESC keeps a record of all deaths that include a description of the deceased at the time of h20 ex machina. Bwog has anthologized a collection of this year’s most colorful and most violent death certificates. 


Time of Death: Monday, February 25 at 11:02 PM

Location of Death: McBain 6

Summary of Death: Xinsuide, a fierce assassin and maiden in gentle youth, who glows in the midst of thousands of enemies, female warrior, who had laid down her arms for the evening. Faith of friendship her vulnerability exposed, her brilliant form welcomed the sly acting villain into her abode, the enemy. And she [Xinsuide], virtuous amazon, while in gentle trust of the serpent she harbored, turned to offer noble hospitality, the fiend, cruelly, struck her from behind. Cut down by water, all lament, and even her killer is moved to regret.


Time of Death: Monday, February 25 at 02:32 PM

Location of Death: Outside Lerner

Summary of Death: I staked out his dorm for 23 hours straight. In my dehydrated, starved, and sleepless state, I managed to recognize him despite his elaborate disguise. I stumbled after him, crossed the street, and unleashed my fury, as Zeus himself against the Titans! A watery grave; a most luscious kill.

B. Dubs

Time of Death: Sunday, February 24 at 11:19 PM

Location of Death: Hartley

Summary of Death: I wrapped my masculine hands around the cold steel of the water pistol. My palms became sweaty, my arms shaking slightly. Like my first sexual experience, I was worried about pulling the trigger too early. I sank into my happy place: a gentle vale full of prancing unicorns, rainbows, and elves. After my nerves had been stilled, I daintily pulled the trigger. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, as the elves looked on disapprovingly.

Deceased: 3

Time of Death: Monday, February 25 at 08:09 PM

Location of Death: Hewitt Dining Hall

Summary of Death: Knowing Agent 3 was on the list of the disavowed I hastily grabbed my gun from my partner in crime and ended his paranoia with a single shot to the back as he laughed with friends at his table. All that is done by my hand has a purpose.



Time of Death: Monday, February 25 at 01:50 PM

Location of Death: River

Summary of Death: After a truce between agent hoostache and my comrade, I lurked behind a door waiting for a discouraged assasin to leave unsuspicious. A quick and silent shot to the back… anna nicole smith is avenged.



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  1. grammar cops  

    The "Xinsuide" is incredibly poorly written, even when considering its poetic pretensions. I didn't bother to read the rest.

  2. Anna  

    What a shame! The others are hilarious - some much better than the first.

  3. uggh  

    why the bloody hell does this school not invest in more printers?

  4. Me!!  

    I love you Brittany!

  5. adleon

    Xinsuide, that's what happens when you are nice to everyone!!!

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