Feb

26

ESC, etc.: Of Space Jam and Stamos

Written by

Seeking comfort after my tragic, yet beautifully reported assassination, I decided to attend another ESC meeting last night. Alas, no comfort; but a merry time discussing school on-goings was in store.

The Alumni Affairs and Professional Development Representative affirmed Columbia’s first implementation of the Recyclebank program. But one engineer expressed concern about abuse to the Recyclebank’s honor code, citing incidents of students weighing themselves in place of recycled material. ESC’s Gateway-tested solution? “Don’t worry about it,” explained the representative. “People will start to feel guilty after awhile.” I quickly made notes to myself to A) weigh myself that night and B), never, ever feel guilty about it.

Our Student Services rep announced Health Services’ new Did You Know campaign, which aims to once and for all inform us about what Health Services does. I couldn’t help but think of NBC’s The More You Know PSA campaign. And, akin to NBC’s effort, Did You Know is likely to fail in both reviving John Stamos’ career and teaching me what I need to know about my changing body. Which worries me, because my mom says I can’t keep calling her about that stuff.



Next, the Student Services rep revealed the best policy idea I’ve heard all semester: Dining Services is possibly removing set meals and, in place, establishing daily swipes, which would enable students to enter and exit John Jay Dining Hall as one pleases throughout a whole day. I reiterate that this is best idea I’ve ever heard, and that includes a sequel to Space Jam that somehow involves lightsabers.

Perhaps influenced by the innovative direction United Airlines in-flight meals are taking, the Senior Class council proudly revealed that, for the first time ever, there will be a beef dinner option at this year’s Winter Gala. Class president Eash Cumarasamy explained, to everyone’s hilarity: “So people don’t get chickened out.” I didn’t really understand this joke, but that certainly didn’t stop me from laughing harder than anyone else.

The junior class representatives, probably jealous of Eash’s sharp joke-telling abilities, silenced our echoes of delirious laughter with their stern, singular announcement: “We’re selling rings on Wednesday.”

What the hell? I thought. That wasn’t funny. In my head, I tried to recreate that beautiful moment of happiness after Eash spoke, but, sadly, it was no more. C) Don’t buy rings this Wednesday.

Then I got kicked out as the Council ended the general meeting and commenced its private “constitutional review” session. I obliged obediently, wondering to myself why they had to lie to me about watching Homeward Bound.

– Tony Gong

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8 Comments

  1. what

    a horrible article. Get over yourself Tony Gong

  2. this is really funny  

    actually

  3. 3-20  

    Eash has a golden tongue.

  4. tony is cool  

    Gay bwog writers represent!!!

  5. these  

    esc articles are excellent. eash is not actually funny.

  6. i love eash  

    HAHAHA tony - i love the comment about Eash's comment. i think it was funny just b/c he got so excited about it. and yeah. warren, you're def not as funny as eash :) but i'll still save you for a rainy day ;)

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