Closing Remarks: The First Batch

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Tis a dreary day in academia as professors from all around decide how to end their time with students. Some opt for wit, others tears. Here is our first installment of Closing Remarks to what will be a continually updating post. Send your own anecdotes to [email protected].

byeLatin American Literature professor Alfred Mac Adam:

“If anyone needs me before your papers are due on Monday, I’ll be in my office, gathering cobwebs as usual. It’ll be a race between you and the janitor — who empties the trash once every six months — to see who finds my decrepit, decaying body there first, covered in dust in a spider web cocoon”

Calc professor Elliott Stein

“Okay, that’s it. Party’s over.”

One person applauds, while the other 10 who were still coming to lecture at that point leave immediately.

“No, really, you don’t have to do that.”

History of the American Presidency professor David Eisenbach:

“…this has been a dream of mine…”

Spanish Professor Helen Aguilar

“The bad news is that almost nobody will get the grade they want, but they will get a grade marginally above the worst possible grade”

Film Professor Jameel Khaja

Professor Jameel Khaja asked how many students saw Iron Man this past weekend. When only one student raised his hand Jameel ran out into the hall and shouted, “There’s still hope! There’s still hope!”

Today Paige West concluded “The Interpretation of Culture” in this way:

After a lecture on globalization…

“I just have to tell you some things that don’t have to do with class. First, wear a condom! Condoms condoms condoms! Remember: ‘condom’ rhymes with ‘fun’!…No, seriously. A friend of mine is doing AIDS research in Papua New Guinea and the results are really terrifying.”

By “Prof Mass” (Professor Stephen Massimilla) in his Modern Poetry lecture, while urging students to continue passing around the bag of cookies he brought:

“Everything is organic.  There are M&Ms in there that are organic.  If you look closely you’ll see orange stuff which is organic orange juice.  …You can’t buy these in a store; they can only be made by someone who LOVES YOU.”  (vocal emphasis on the last two words.)

Dr. Jack McGourty:

Actually he didn’t say anything, but he was spotted dashing out a side door while final presentations were still going on.

Professor Achilles Varzi (Metaphysics)

He read a quotation from this book Flatland:


The Inhabitance of SPACE IN GENERAL


This Work is Dedicated

By a Humble Native of Flatland

In the Hope that

Even as he was Initiated into the Mysteries


Having been previously conversant


So the Citizens of that Celestial Region

May aspire yet higher and higher

To the Secrets of FOUR FIVE or EVEN SIX Dimensions

Thereby contributing

To the Enlargment of THE IMAGINATION

And the possible Development

Of that most and excellent Gift of MODESTY

Among the Superior Races




  1. alexw

    I am seeing Iron Man as soon as possible.

  2. yeah  

    Iron Man is why they invented movies in the first place.

  3. Jameel Khaja  

    is unbeleivable

  4. Apple Note  

    Iron Man is made out of metals. The best material ever.

  5. Anonymous

    iron man was awesome. woe unto you if you don't agree

  6. Kim  

    I love Mac Adam.

  7. well  

    i don't know what jameel khaja believes, but i think that that one kid is our hope.

  8. awesome explosins  

    that's how dad did it, that's how america does it and it's worked pretty well so far

  9. jameel  

    rocks my world

  10. Haha

    Paige West gave the same speech when I took her class two years ago...

  11. seriously

    Helene de Aguilar is the most wonderful woman in the world. I loved her class, and I wish I'd been old enough to appreciate her.

  12. Jameel


  13. accuracy  

    De Aguilar definitely said no one would get the worst grade "they thought was possible".

    Seriously bwog, get with it.

  14. I  

    professor de Aguilar...I'll never forget the eye patch that she wore for half of the spring 07 semester...Nobody could ever figure out wut happened

  15. Varzi  

    Rocks my world. Have my babies and teach them about four dimensionalism.

  16. Prof Mass  

    is like the energizer bunny on crack + 60billion more brain cells. great guy, a tad kooky. (or should I say...cookie? teehee.)

  17. Jameel  

    is a really cool guy

  18. btw  

    achilles varzi is on facebook

  19. Jack McGourty  

    always leaves out the side door before presentations are done. did it last year and the year before that too.

  20. lover of geometry  

    i love flatland.

  21. Thomas Bunsen

    Achille Varzi: Almost as awesome as Iron Man.

    Jameel Khaja: Better have meant that one kid.

    Let's face it: this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing.

  22. more importantly

    wtf is up with culpa? How am I supposed to unleash my semester's worth of frustration? BAHHHH

  23. Pfft  

    Iron Man was fucking awesome.

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