Sep

3

From the Issue: Jean and Lee’s Excellent Adventure

Written by

From the Orientation Issue of The Blue and White, we bring you Rob Trump’s detailed account of the beginning of PrezBo’s summer sabbatical in Vermont.

prezbo8:00 AM: Here we are. Sunny Vermont. Sunny, sunny Vermont. Let the sabbatical commence.

8:21 AM: …

8:25 AM: Jesus, this is boring.

8:26 AM: What the hell am I supposed to do on a sabbatical, anyway? Jean? Jean, could you come over here?

8:33 AM: Jean, would you look up “sabbatical” in the OED for me?

8:34 AM: Under “S.” “S” for “sabbatical.”

8:35 AM: One “b.” No, I’m not sure! Do I look sure? Two “b”s. Three “b”s! Is it really that hard to find when you’ve got “s-a-b” to start?

8:40 AM: “A period of leave from work”? Aw, no, really? Just a… just a period of leave? So I have to go back?

8:41 AM: Which is the one where… which is the one where you don’t have to go back to work anymore? Retirement? Retirement! That’s the one I wanted! That’s the good one!

8:44 AM: Well, I guess that means at least Quigley and Colombo are coming back from their “sabbaticals” too, huh?

8:45 AM: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.

8:46 AM: So I’m all alone on this one, huh, Jean? Well, that’s shitty. At least Judy Shapiro is gonna…

8:47 AM: Oh hell naw.

9:04 AM: That crafty tart.

9:30 AM: So I’m all alone to deal with that expansion, huh, Jean? What a mess.

9:31 AM: “Gentrification blah blah blah eminent domain blah blah blah.”

9:32 AM: Hey guess what, kids? If you don’t like this school gettin’ bigger and better how about you protest by NOT GIVING ME ALL OF YOUR MONEY SO I CAN DO IT.

9:33 AM: Don’t do that, though, I like your money.

9:34 AM: I’m just talking to myself, Jean.

9:35 AM: No, I’m perfectly fine. This is just what a sabbatical is for.

9:36 AM: Yes, it’s for talking to yourself! And yes, I’m aware that there was nothing in the dictionary about talking to yourself! It’s for that now because I’m deciding it is! I can do that! I’m still the President!

9:42 AM: Aw, quit it, Jean, or I’m going to take a sabbatical from you.

9:43 AM: Yes, I’m aware that means I’d have to come back to you, thank you. And no, that’s not my solution to all my problems.

9:46 AM: Well, what about the time I said I was taking a sabbatical from weddings, then? No, it was not so that I could avoid giving another speech.

9:47 AM: Yes, I absolutely would’ve enjoyed giving a speech at my own son’s wedding! I couldn’t go because I was taking a sabbatical from weddings, that’s all!

9:48 AM: I know I’ll only get the chance to see my son get married once! So will you, Jean!

9:49 AM: Oh, that’s why you went, huh? Oh, I see. Well, I was taking a sabbatical from weddings. Now let me read my Carl Hiaasen novel in peace, thank you.

10:24 AM: Jean, where’d you go?

10:25 AM: Jean, I have yet to move from this chair during my sabbatical, and I’m not about to start now.

10:56 AM: Oh, there you are, Jean, finally! I—I’m not at a good stopping point now, though. I was earlier! Chaz is in all sorts of trouble now, let me tell you.

10:57 AM: Okay, okay, I’ll put it down. Thanks for shopping, by the way, yes, Jean.

10:58 AM: Oh, you’ve bought the ingredients for lime rickeys? Well, why didn’t you say so?

10:59 AM: Like hell I’ll ever take a sabbatical from drinking.

11:00 AM: Now, who was it that’s taking over for Judy?

11:01 AM: Debora Spar? The hell kind of name is that?

11:02 AM: No, I’m just jealous because it’s awesome. I wish my name sounded like an imperative to fight.

11:03 AM: Lee Attack! Lee Jab! Lee Smash!

11:04 AM: Lee Pace? That some kind of trick to get me out of this chair, Jean? ‘Cause I’m not falling for it.

11:05 AM: And don’t you think for a second you’re getting me to change out of my boxer shorts and my NYCLU shirt. This here’s a man’s uniform.

11:06 AM: Oh yeah? You think I should? Well, I might just take this to the NYCLU then. Whaddaya think about that?

11:07 AM: Thought so.

11:10 AM: Some raspberry syrup. Raspberry syrup in the lime rickey. I’m going to take a sabbatical from this lime rickey until you put in more raspberry syrup.

11:11 AM: Ooh yeah.

11:15 AM: Haha, look at me, Jean! I’m on hunger strike, but look what I can still drink!

11:16 AM: It’s funny because it looks like Gatorade.

11:17 AM: I don’t know what kind of Gatorade it looks like, Jean. It’s a lime rickey with raspberry syrup. It looks like a combination of the lemon-lime and the fruit punch flavors.

11:18 AM: No, the hunger strikers did not drink a mix of lemon-lime and fruit punch Gatorade! That is not the point! Stop ruining my jokes, Jean. I’m going to—

11:19 AM: No, I was not about to say that I was going to take a sabbatical from you, Jean. I was going to say that I’m going to write a book. I’m going to write a book while I’m on sabbatical. Yes, that is absolutely what I was about to say. You can quote that to the papers.

11:21 AM: It’s going to be about the usual things, Jean! The usual things books are about!

11:22 AM: You know, like The Odyssey! Or City of God! Or Skinny Dip! A book like those!

11:23 AM: Jean, you don’t have to point out to me that those are not about the same thing. I know that.

11:28 AM: Which one of those will it be most like? It will be most like Skinny Dip, Jean, because Skinny Dip is a fine novel. A fine, fine novel that I might finish one of these days if I just had a minute to myself.

11:34 AM: It might actually have a little more about First Amendment history than Skinny Dip does, to be honest.

11:42 AM: Oh, I’m starting work on my book soon, thank you for reminding me, Jean.

11:54 AM: This sabbatical stinks, Jean. I’m going to take a sabbatical from this sabbatical.

— Rob Trump

 

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10 Comments

  1. anti-anti-anti-bob  

    clever, and at times funny

  2. mike  

    effin-a, "mic" M-I-C is short for a MICrophone, not Mike. I am a Mike and I sure as hell don't amplify sound.

  3. hiiii  

    this is ridiculously lame

  4. not funny

    and vaguely mean.

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