It was a dark and stormy night — and o! the rain, did it pour — but a fair number of umbrella’d visitors came to Butler tonight for this semester’s Orgo Night. Hm, what had happened this semester? Bwog wondered, who or what will find itself or themselves at the butt of the Marching Band’s jokes?  Well, quite frankly, we expected it to be the penis that CUMB brought along, it of Giant Inflatable Penis-Gate-fame, but it just bopped around in the background (see video), evidently the strong and silent type.

Most jokes actually revolved around Obama. According to CUMB, due in large part to his success (coupled with that of Attorney General to be Eric Holder and New York Governor David Paterson), Columbia is now the nation’s “foremost elite black college.” From there on in, things progressed, for the most part, chronologically. Bwog even received a shout-out when talked turned to Obamacain, September’s debate about the merits of service between Obama and “a trusty old white guy with funny arms.”

In the weeks that followed Obamacain, new Secretary of State Hillary Clinton visited the ladies of Barnard, educating them on the things they hold near and dear: sewing, cooking, and gender pay equity. Barnard jokes were liberal in quantity, the most clever among them described an evil plan against Columbia in which BC attempted to convince the world that Columbia is just the New York campus of Yale. A consequence of this evil plot? We might all be forced to play in “rape whistle choirs.” And with that, the Band segued into “I Don’t Wanna Be Sedated.”

ROTC was next up on the CUMB’s hit-list, where discrepancies in the vote were blamed on a one “Lee C.” who, in an act of “meta-terrorism,” allegedly abstained from the vote some 300 times just to demonstrate his right to freedom of expression. The Band also addressed the 4000 students who didn’t bother to vote at all, suggesting that the ballot should have read “yes” “no” and “who gives a fuck? I have three midterms this week!”

And onto the topic of our terrible economy. Columbia’s endowment troubles were noted (though Bwog was shocked there wasn’t a sexual innuendo here!), and so were Dining Services cutbacks, including John Jay’s “sub-prime rib.” There was a special sympathy shout-out to economics majors and their “three summer internships worth of swallowed Lehman Brothers semen.”

Other aspects of the zeitgeist were summarized in a fantastical trip to Health Services, in which PrezBo received a Flintstones Band-Aid for his “PrezBooBoo,” James Franco was diagnosed with unseasonal heat stroke, and students were treated for throwing up green bile and parading around with a cross.

The night ended with a stirring rendition of “Wipe Out” and some sexually explicit mnemonic devices for tomorrow’s Orgo Exam. The Band packed up its merriment and took leave, and with a little shh-ing from residents of 209, Butler transformed back into its natural state, one Giant Inflatable Penis emptier than it had been just moments before.

— JNW