May

13

Senior Wisdom: Rob Trump

Written by


Name, School:
Rob Trump, CC ’09

Claim to fame: I co-wrote a couple Varsity Shows (113 and 114) and have done various other campus comedy things. Also, I am the reason for the existence of my admittedly vastly superior arch-nemesis, anti-rjt.

Post-grad plans: I’m moving to L.A. to try to write sitcoms. Those are pretty easy jobs to come by, right? I’ll probably have one in a month or two.

What are three things you learned at Columbia?

1. The people who are happiest here are the ones who find something they like doing more than they like sleeping. I like sleeping a lot, so this was hard for me, but I found it. Even better: find something you like more than either sleeping or partying.

2. Whiskey goes with everything, tonic goes with everything, but whiskey and tonic together are disgusting. It’s like gray and khaki. I learned this one really recently.

3. You can’t do anything without offending someone.

Justify your existence in 30 words or less.

I’m majoring in English and concentrating in Math. I literally studied reading, writing, and arithmetic. I am a student from a 50s PSA.

Favorite study spot?

Butler fishbowl. There used to be a tradition of people studying there loudly saying weird things every couple hours, and even when I didn’t know the people who did this, I loved it. I said, “hors d’ourves” once. That tradition should come back.

What was your favorite controversy in your time at Columbia?

Without a question, Ahmadinejad. The couple hours when James and I sat down to write the first draft of the V-Show scene parodying that were some of the most fun I’ve had here. Huge chunks of the dialogue were straight up copied and pasted from the actual transcript. It was a situation where reality was so ridiculous that you didn’t really have to change much for it to be funny. Like, come on, people laughed OUT LOUD during the actual event. Life in general is pretty absurd, but rarely does it produce punchlines as good as, “We don’t have any homosexuals in our country.”

Any battle wounds/war stories from the War on Fun?

Not really, but probably because I abandoned my sweet senior-year party room in Woodbridge for a Broadway single second semester. See, my roommate went abroad, and I thought I would be rocking a dingle for 5 months, but instead the university gave me a visiting foreign student from Germany. So now I refer to Woodbridge 5E as “Poland,” Broadway 727 as “Israel,” and the person who moved out of here and left the High School Musical poster behind as “the Palestinian.”

Sorry, Phillip! I don’t hate you for moving in, really! I just needed some space of my own!

Also, “rocking a dingle” sounds really gross for some reason.

Would you rather permanently give up oral sex or cheese?

Story time! My freshman year, when Bwog was doing Senior Wisdom for the first time, Zach Bendiner was going around to random groups of people and asking them what questions they would like outgoing seniors to answer. I volunteered this “would you rather,” which somebody at my high school originally asked me. Basically, I’m just bragging about what a great suggestion this was and how I totally altered senior wisdom forever.

And because you probably thought I was just being roundabout to avoid answering the question–oral sex.

What do you wish you could tell the Class of 2013 before they come here?

Don’t decide what you’re going to get out of college before you arrive—let what you enjoy once you’re here guide you. When I showed up, I thought I’d be a hard science major and go to medical school. It took me a couple years to work that out of my system.

Also, and sorta along with that, the fact that pretty much everybody was “the smart kid” in their high school creates a massive wave of identity crises your first year here, because now everyone is about as smart as you. After that clears, people realize how boxed-in they were by being just “the smart kid,” and start pursuing the things that actually make them happy.

Regrets?

I anonymously wrote one really mean Bwog comment a long time ago, then felt cheap about it and have always signed my Bwog comments since then. I mention this only because multiple people have brought it up to me as one of their favorite examples of the hilarity of mean internet anonymity. So I’m coming clean to them and everybody, now. It’s this one. It was about Miriam Datskovsky, whom I actually do, for the record, think is a very talented writer.

Another regret, on the same topic: there was a joke for 114 that James and I wrote but never saw the light of day because the creative team thought it was too offensive. I regret that we never even got to table read it. It went like this:

Barnard sex striker: “But all the students have turned against us. I saw on the Bwog that people were calling us ‘faggots.’ That doesn’t even make sense!”

Shapiro: “Come now, that’s just what Bwog commenters call people who have enough power to make them feel threatened! They said it about Bollinger, and they said it about Meghan McCain, and they said it about Matt Sanchez, and it didn’t make sense for any of…oh. Well. Yes.”

One more regret, as I feel my time running out: I regret pooping my pants in a downtown Citibank my freshman year. This actually happened, and I have never talked about it to anyone.


Tags: ,

55 Comments

    • Anonymous

      Rob Trump started listening to Nirvana after everyone else.

      Rob Trump couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat because he is too full of hot hair to hit water.

      Rob Trump is an incorrect subtitle.

      Rob Trump knock knock joke: “Knock knock?” “Who’s there?” “Not Rob Trump.” “You’re a liar, Rob Trump, now get the hell away from my property.” “No, really. I formed a Not Rob Trump group and I want to join forces with you.” “Oh, awesome. I fucking hate Rob Trump.” “Me too.” “Tight.”

      Rob Trump is himself a War on Fun.

      Rob Trump cannot free Palestine because he cannot find it on his Risk board.

      Rob Trump only smokes when he is not drunk.

      Rob Trump is the before picture of every Before & After advertisement.

      Rob Trump fakes orgasms while writing masturbatory lists of things.

      Rob Trump, Rob Trump and Rob Trump are all seated at a bar. The world implodes.

      Rob Trump is a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it'll just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream. Simply, he is a shitty blanket. A blanket of shit. A blanket of pants filled with shit.

      Rob Trump is a Non-Stop Pizza Party that ends.

      Rob Trump tried to get to a woman's heart with melted cheese but just ended up burning her blouse and scalding her skin. It blistered.

      Rob Trump couldn't hid the broad side of a barn because he does not interact with broads.

      Rob Trump is not just the white man's burden but he is also everyone's burden.

  1. display article  

    ID no good!

  2. OMG  

    YES! this is a senior wisdom. NO REFERENCES TO FUCKING CC!!

  3. That  

    was a great senior wisdom! Good insights, especially the freshman advice. Best of luck, man!

  4. Did

    Did he really poop in his pants?

  5. well played  

    well played with your story about mean comments trying to make us feel guilty...

    well FU

  6. 2150

    this is my favorite senior wisdom too!

  7. yes!  

    Finally a good one!

    And true thing about whiskey and tonic...

  8. oh wow

    the second half of his advice to 2013 is some of the best stuff I've heard in a long time. Great job.

  9. thanks rob  

    for a great senior wisdom that made me laugh before my day of endless econ studying.

  10. gcb  

    Rob's the man! Great wisdom.

  11. YES!!!  

    Rob Trump you are clearly the best!!!

    and FANTASTIC advice!!!!

  12. anyone else

    get the feeling that anti-rjt is Rob Trump? They're both pretty funny.

  13. this was  

    excellent. A+

  14. to rjt and anti-rjt  

    i have no reason to smile or laugh. my ass is late on a disturbingly long paper. but i am smiling. and i am god damn laughing. well played. well fucking played.

  15. carman 12 '05-'06  

    I remember discussing the oral sex and cheese thing back in the day with rob and our whole floor... my life hasn't been the same since.


    this is the best senior wisdom yet... good luck next year rob!

  16. Awesome  

    best one yet!

  17. confused  

    what is the butler fishbowl?

  18. Yay  

    This Senior Wisdom is really long... but Rob Trump is cool YAY!

  19. Senior Wisdomer  

    for making the rest of us feel bad. This was definitely the best one yet.

  20. cooll  

    AWWWEEESOMMEEE SENIOR WISDOM! WISH I HAD MET THIS GUY DURING MY TIME HERE!! :)

  21. Fix  

    The link, please, bwog! I wanna see some ANONYMOUS HATE. That's made UNANONYMOUS. UNANIMOUS? ANIMOSITY? Whatever. Fuck finals.

  22. ec2020  

    would you rather eat a sewer rat or drink trash juice? this is really the only true measure of senior wisdom.

  23. Wow  

    This was truly a glorious Senior Wisdom. Wish I had actually met this guy

    • this guy  

      is awesome. i wish i'd met him too. we'll probably end up watching his sitcoms in a few years, though, so no worries.

      now, who's going to be the brave one to revive the fishbowl tradition?

  24. mce  

    I want to see him make lists of things

  25. yay  

    This was great - the advice to 2013 was totally spot-on

  26. yep

    this guy seems pretty cool--best one out of all the SW's

  27. engineer  

    so is valeiras going to do one of these or what

  28. lahl really?  

    is rob trump making all of these comments? since when do people find this corny network sitcom humor, which the guy is admittedly shooting for, so funny?

  29. CC '12  

    this was such a good senior wisdom. i'm super happy now, and i want to meet this guy!

  30. Adam Nobler  

    Well done. Well done.

  31. If he  

    writes sitcoms that are as good as V114, he'll make it.

  32. no way...

    NO way people actually think this was a great senior wisdom, clearly the posters are above are either rob trump or sympathethic friends.

    this senior wisdom was one of the douchiest, self-indulging ones yet.

  33. varsity shows...

    aren't funny...at all. that joke at the end sucked.

  34. aww

    this cc09 girl wishes she had met the guy behind this senior wisdom. I really liked it!

  35. awww  

    this is great! :') anti-rjt is pretty amusing as well.

  36. dear rob trump,  

    you're the best. i really should have hit on you when i had a chance. best of luck. call me?

  37. hey BWOG

    this is a good senior wisdom, but pleeeease get some non-leadership people too! we don't just want to hear from every president of every org on campus...normal people can be interesting too

  38. pro-rjt  

    Excellent campus character, also nice ideas lists as of late. Kick ass in L.A.

  39. i know  

    who anti-rjt is who rjt is.

    also, this rob trump guy seems really, really strong as in like he can probably lift something heavy

  40. i say...  

    hooray for poop jokes.

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