May

16

Senior Wisdom: Justin Grace

Written by

Name, School: Justin Grace, CC

Claim to fame: Fucked a chicken on stage at the UCB. Didn’t actually, but it’s a much better story that way (Thanks, Noam). Also, I run a comedy show downtown that no one goes to but somehow got nominated for a cabaret award. I think it might be a pyramid scheme.

Post-grad plans: Making lots of money in I-banking. That’s still a thing, right? Alternatively, becoming a doctor for sick pigs.



What are three things you learned at Columbia?


1. John Jay? Totally awesome. Don’t you fuckers like burgers? They’re burgers. It is impossible to screw up a burger.

2. No matter how much you think you’ve outgrown your adolescent classism, it will never stop sounding like Mozart when wealthy kids complain about tuition. It is, however, bad form to start singing “Free Ride” immediately after.

3. “Depression” is just a fancy way of saying “I want to watch The Wire for a month and not have anybody call me out on it.”

Justify your existence in 30 words or less.  Has only been in a Starbucks twice. Sings everywhere he goes. The two might be related.

Favorite study spot? That room in Butler 3 with the interior balcony. Speaking of which, to whoever was sitting up there a couple days ago, I stole your pen. I just needed it real quick and I didn’t have anything with me and when I went to put it back, your stuff was gone! It was not one of my prouder moments. I’m way sorry our relationship didn’t work out any better.

What was your favorite controversy in your time at Columbia? The hunger strike. People starved themselves because they didn’t think there were enough classes at a college. Huh. I admire the moxie, but, c’mon, guys…our grandfathers fought in WARS TO SAVE THE WORLD. We are like the shitty disappointing kids you just know Han and Leia had.

Any battle wounds/war stories from the War on Fun? Nope. Chances are any time 5-0 rolls up, I am already gone to the point where I ask if it’s okay to poop in an elevator.

Would you rather permanently give up oral sex or cheese? This question is so played, Bwog. Congrats on having a Lipton-esque “what do you want God to say” trademark, but there are seriously In Living Color episodes that feel fresher than this. Homie The Clown all asking some white dude about Somali pirates…

What do you wish you could tell the Class of 2013 before they come here? Most of the lessons you’ll learn in life have already been summed up better by rappers your friends only like ironically. So don’t do that. Also, it is going to hurt a whole bunch to learn how uncool and unspecial and completely and totally dumb you are. It’s worth it. (Plus I think it never stops?)

Regrets? You and me, Bob O’Meally. We never quite could make this love thing work.

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42 Comments

  1. really?  

    Why was this posted? I know of other seniors out there who have definitely written better wisdoms.

  2. Pssh  

    Justin Grace is awesome!

  3. oh man  

    Even Grace gets torn apart by anonymous Bwog commenters? Anyone who's spent ten minutes with this guy knows that he's one of the funnier people you'll meet in life.

    Actually, numbers 1 and 2, could you guys write your own wisdoms and write them in the comments? Your epic wit is just what we all need.

  4. boooo

    sorry, jg might be cool in real life, but this is mondo snarky

  5. boooo2

    ps i possibly might not know the proper usage of snarky...

  6. agreed

    seems like he'd be funny in person but definitely not on paper...

  7. MUTHAFUCKA  

    STOLEMYPEN

  8. oral sex vs. cheese

    This is one of the all-time great answers, largely because of the In Living Color reference.

  9. WRONG  

    "We are like the shitty disappointing kids you just know Han and Leia had."

    http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/7/77/Darkest_Knight.jpg/250px-Darkest_Knight.jpg

    They were pretty fucking impressive.

  10. Sorry...

    I'm generally not a fan of anonymous criticism, but this guy's comments are the most idiotic out of all of the comments posted as senior wisdoms. What a sad thought that Columbia wasted a free ride on him.

  11. depressed

    can i say fuck off idiot and not get called on it?

  12. you all are dumb

    justin grace is the man.

  13. Noam

    Justin,
    While it pains me to sully the academic forum that is this comment thread, I insist on reminding you, crude though I might sound, that your soft, pink, naked, genitals were pressed firmly against the cold bleeding innards of a dismembered chicken. Call that what you may, it defined my freshman year.
    Yours always,
    Noam

  14. not snarky

    JUST NOT FUNNY

  15. ummm wow  

    this guy seems to think he's funny. buuuut not so much.

  16. wait

    i liked this.

    and what's more, i thought other people would like this. i laughed out loud.

  17. SEAS '09  

    This was pretty fantastic. Well done. I wish I had known you.

  18. also depressed

    hey listen, if you haven't ever wondered if your depression is just a social construct engendered to make people take it easier on you in life, then you don't know shit about being sad and shouldn't be so quick to judge. you are in maybe the 3rd circle tops and yelling at someone for being in the 6th.

    this was way too snarky for my tastes, but i know exactly what this guy is talking about.

  19. umm

    3. "Depression" is just a fancy way of saying "I want to watch The Wire for a month and not have anybody call me out on it."

    REALLY fucking obnoxious. read DSM-IV and then tell me you know what depression is.

    fucktard.

    • ALA  

      actually the DSM-IV says symptoms of axis-I MDD (major depressive disorder) include:

      depressed mood (such as feelings of sadness or emptiness)

      reduced interest in activities that used to be enjoyed, sleep disturbances (either not being able to sleep well or sleeping to much)

      loss of energy or a significant reduction in energy level

      and the symptoms tend to be episodic.

      all of these could conceivably lead one to not leave their house much and watch the wire for a month straight.

      (also bear in mind sometimes people make jokes. it is okay to do that from time to time.)

      Justin is a great guy, even though he sometimes tries to poop in elevators.

    • ugh

      You seriously think the DSM-IV is a valid authority on the "classification" of mental states? Did you ever think that the people who write it have a financial stake in you thinking depression is a legitimate "disease"? We all have bad days, we all want to drop out of the miserable lives we're forced to lead. Pharmaceutical companies want you to think that's abnormal.

  20. trey  

    justin directed me once, hes the fucking tits!!! gonna miss you buddy

  21. soo

    sooooo stupid. so stupid

  22. maybe

    i'll grant you there is self-doubt and self-reflection incumbent in being depressed as in being in a depressed phase (say a month in which you stay in bed and watch hulu). that's still a problem either way...

    but for the many who suffer depression in the long-term, no amount of social construct bullshit questioning can allow any clarity. only therapy and medication can.

    hence justin's wisdom smacks of ignorance.

    all that said i know him distantly and personally i liked him. so i'm not attacking him, just what he said.

  23. ...  

    i hope he didn't put a lot of effort into this because it really kinda fails at whatever it was trying to do.

  24. huh  

    I thought this senior wisdom was definitely one of the better ones. Some of the Bwog trolls need to chillaxe.

  25. wait

    isn't senior wisdom for graduating seniors? isn't justin grace a rising senior? i am confused.

  26. Young Jedi Knights

    Sooooo awesome!

  27. and

    Justin's probably graduating next winter although there is a slight possibility he'll graduate next spring. And, he's wonderful

  28. justin grace  

    is the shit. this is so funny. and snarky. stop it, you depressed anti-jedis.

  29. Sam  

    Nicely done, Justin. I respect any man who can shit on the DSM and quote Star Wars apocrypha in one sitting. Stick around a while.

  30. ummm

    i think he was joking about depression, you guys. chillllll oouuuttt.

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