Senior Wisdom: Justin Grace
Written by Bwog Staff
Name, School: Justin Grace, CC
Claim to fame: Fucked a chicken on stage at the UCB. Didn’t actually, but it’s a much better story that way (Thanks, Noam). Also, I run a comedy show downtown that no one goes to but somehow got nominated for a cabaret award. I think it might be a pyramid scheme.
Post-grad plans: Making lots of money in I-banking. That’s still a thing, right? Alternatively, becoming a doctor for sick pigs.
What are three things you learned at Columbia?
1. John Jay? Totally awesome. Don’t you fuckers like burgers? They’re burgers. It is impossible to screw up a burger.
2. No matter how much you think you’ve outgrown your adolescent classism, it will never stop sounding like Mozart when wealthy kids complain about tuition. It is, however, bad form to start singing “Free Ride” immediately after.
3. “Depression” is just a fancy way of saying “I want to watch The Wire for a month and not have anybody call me out on it.”
Justify your existence in 30 words or less. Has only been in a Starbucks twice. Sings everywhere he goes. The two might be related.
Favorite study spot? That room in Butler 3 with the interior balcony. Speaking of which, to whoever was sitting up there a couple days ago, I stole your pen. I just needed it real quick and I didn’t have anything with me and when I went to put it back, your stuff was gone! It was not one of my prouder moments. I’m way sorry our relationship didn’t work out any better.
What was your favorite controversy in your time at Columbia? The hunger strike. People starved themselves because they didn’t think there were enough classes at a college. Huh. I admire the moxie, but, c’mon, guys…our grandfathers fought in WARS TO SAVE THE WORLD. We are like the shitty disappointing kids you just know Han and Leia had.
Any battle wounds/war stories from the War on Fun? Nope. Chances are any time 5-0 rolls up, I am already gone to the point where I ask if it’s okay to poop in an elevator.
Would you rather permanently give up oral sex or cheese? This question is so played, Bwog. Congrats on having a Lipton-esque “what do you want God to say” trademark, but there are seriously In Living Color episodes that feel fresher than this. Homie The Clown all asking some white dude about Somali pirates…
What do you wish you could tell the Class of 2013 before they come here? Most of the lessons you’ll learn in life have already been summed up better by rappers your friends only like ironically. So don’t do that. Also, it is going to hurt a whole bunch to learn how uncool and unspecial and completely and totally dumb you are. It’s worth it. (Plus I think it never stops?)
Regrets? You and me, Bob O’Meally. We never quite could make this love thing work.