Jun

20

He Will Be Jaded Yet: Bienvenidos a Columbia

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feniYou may have heard that SEAS is  bringing in an outsider, Feniosky Peña-Mora, to be its next dean. This may bring a tide of change for the oft-forgotten school on the windiest corner of campus, which has been governed for the last two years by a fatigued physics professor.

Certainly, in his last email, PrezBo assured us he’s qualified, but will he fit in?  The New York Times caught wind of it and, wide-eyed, spilled the beans on this mysterious figure.

First, we ensure that he is a proper engineer.  At the age of 7, he used Popsicle sticks to bridge his sister’s Barbie world with his own.  “Feni” then grew up to work on the Big Dig in Boston.  Real-world impact?  Check.

Second, we verify that he has some donor-pleasing personality quirk.  The Gray Lady informs us that when naming his children Feni “employed an algorithm that factored in such characteristics as the parents’ and grandparents’ names, the children’s birth weights and the months of their conception and birth.”  Offspring who will never forgive him?  Check.

Last, PrezBo loves him.  Always eloquent, he mumbled something to the Times reporter about “upward trajectories” before saying, “He [Peña-Mora] came to the last meeting with a PowerPoint presentation.”  Bureaucratic conformity?  Check.

Welcome to SEAS, Feni.  We’re pretty excited.  You know, for Columbia.

—AB

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19 Comments

  1. Spell Check  

    Gerald, Bwog. With an L.

  2. wow

    douchiest, most dick move by any informational entity anywhere ever

  3. what?

    since when did working on the Big Dig become a positive?

    We shoudl hie

  4. Anonymous

    Pena-Mora sounds awesome but I don't think it's fair to call Dean Navratil "a fatigued physics professor". He did a pretty good job and he's a really nice person.

  5. Alum

    Calling SEAS "the oft-forgotten school" says less about SEAS than it does about Bwog.

  6. ...  

    sounds like a nice guy.

    although i'd suggest doing a bit of homework before putting "real-world impact" and a reference to the big dig in the same paragraph. : (

  7. SEAS '10

    He seems like a sweet guy! I am excited to have him as our dean, but I have to agree with #8, Navratil did a good job.

    Columbia also seems to be on quite the diversity kick, soon PrezBo will be the only "old, white, male" administrator.

  8. wow

    oft-forgotten?
    way to be douches, bwog

  9. Anonymous

    I heard N ran for the job but didn't get it. Please don't compare the winner with the loser.

  10. wtf?

    "oft-forgotten school on the windiest corner of campus"? i'm guessing that means there are no scientists or engineers on the bwog staff, nor do they even know any engineers. i'm in the sciences but even if i weren't, they have same admissions office, advising office, dorms, i can't see how you can 'forget' them unless after 3 years you have managed to construct for yourself a self-interacting bubble with you and your bwog buddies never venturing north of Low.

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