How to Make Friends and Influence People

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At some point on the first day of Orientation, a sudden realization hits many a first-year: there are a lot of new people here (and one or two of them are hot!). Winning the friend lottery from this mass of people requires mastery of multiple tactics:

Talk to random strangers.  Within a few short weeks, Columbians will start avoiding eye contact in the elevator just like real New Yorkers.

Get to know your floor.  You can either partake in late-night antics, or you can awkwardly maneuver past Super Smash Brothers and/or Project Runway marathons on the way to the bathroom.

Join clubs.  Birds of a feather flock together, and in a big school, it’s sometimes the only way to find them. It’s considerably more accurate than clicking your interests on Facebook.

Speaking of Facebook, meet people in real life.  Just because you and your online friends both love Wall-E and hate Juno doesn’t make you soul mates.

But do friend the people you meet in real life.  Last names are comforting, and will clarify your phone’s address book.

Complain about the Iliad.  Everyone describes their passion for the Great Books in their Columbia application, and everyone still scrambles to finish, with limited success.

Ditto for John Jay. But make sure to go there with potential friends – nothing rubs in homesickness like eating alone.

Don’t mention the SAT
.  The U.S. News rankings will inevitably come up, and things can only go downhill from there.

Remember that everyone is as socially awkward as you are.  Even if they’re pretending not to be.

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  1. ...

    this post takes itself too seriously.

  2. hahahahahah

    "and one or two of them are hot!"
    this is really great.

  3. Wrong, Bwog.

    Immediately bring up your SAT scores with everyone you meet Orientation Week. How else are you going to show them who's boss? It's important for the pecking order to be established early, so you 2300-2400ers, don't hold back.

    2100 kids, maybe you should sit this week out. Or just be very very quiet.

  4. senior  

    do freshmen know about bwog yet?

  5. you know what's sad?

    upperclassmen who still haven't learned these tricks or let go of their high school egos. they should read this post.

  6. Two Errors in this Post

    1) I knocked out all the Great Books, no sweat.

    2) I don't recognize this word, "friend". I think you might be misspelling something.

  7. wellllllllll


  8. 2150

    thanks for the advice, bwog! i wish i'd read these before my freshman year!

  9. 128

    Anyone who hates Juno doesn't deserve to meet people in real life. That movie is boss.

  10. actually

    i scored a date or two by eating alone...

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