Oct

12

And Now, A Word from The New York Post

Written by

 – “Columbia,” the pre-feminism female personification of America, and where Columbia’s name comes from

As the coda to today’s various Columbus Day posts, we present a column from Andrea Peyser of the New York Post, who is NOT HAPPY that Columbia is having classes today. Her words in bold, our thoughts in between.

I wish everyone a happy and joyous Columbus Day.

Thanks!

That is, unless you attend Columbia University,

Oh…

that lefty Ivy campus uptown that is — holy irony! — named for none other than Christopher Columbus himself.

Next week: “why don’t George Washington students wear false teeth?”

Today, city schoolkids, government offices, courts and your mailman take a day off to honor the guy who paved the way for modern civilization. But at Columbia, classes are running as usual, as a wimpy administration, I have learned,

By using a strange device known as “the academic calendar.”

conducts a stealth ban on Columbus.

If only they gave some other days off in exchange…

Rather than nuke the holiday, Columbia ignores it. That is, Columbia simply wishes Columbus Day would go away.

Nuking something > ignoring something. Got it.

Social critics say there exists a war on Christmas, with a manger dismantled at the Staten Island Mall, religious music removed from schools in Maplewood, NJ, and — for goodness’ sake — red and green napkins prohibited on school tables in Plano, Texas.

Why can’t stores start selling Christmas merchandise in September like Jesus intended?

But I would venture to say that the war on Columbus Day is far more virulent.

Second in virulence, of course, only to the “War on High Prices.”

While no one would dare malign the Christian savior,

Wait, what was that whole “War on Christmas” paragraph about?

shouts of “murderer” have long been carpet-bombing the Italian explorer who stumbled on the Americas, thereby setting the stage for the creation of penicillin,

Invented by a Scot

malls

Invented in the Middle East

and Twitter.

Oh, good, 1 for 3!

Just this spring, Brown University in Rhode Island became the latest fuzzy-headed

Leave the Muppets out of this!

institution to declare the celebration of Columbus Day “inconsistent with the university’s values.” To hoots of derision, Brown renamed the three-day holiday “Fall Weekend.” Brown follows the lead of such fine municipalities as Berkeley, Calif., which rid itself of Columbus Day back in 1992, and celebrates each year with a powwow.

Having fun is un-American!

But at Columbia, the only recognition of the day is a free barbecue thrown by the College Republicans.

“We simply want to mark Columbus Day and to celebrate his positive actions and keep the day from silently passing the university by,” said Derek Turner, director of communications for Columbia’s Republicans.

Nothing wrong with anything that gets us free food.

He said his group does not excuse the crimes of Columbus, such as spreading disease and slavery to the native population. A population that, no one wants to admit, practiced slavery itself.

Ha, those Westerners gave them a taste of their own medicine! Well, except when they got sick.

However, Columbus’ arrival in the Western World “marked the establishment of the United States — the nation that today is actively fighting slavery in other countries of the world,” he said.

Lady Macbeth projected less guilt.

Turner said he was disappointed not to see any mention of Columbus Day on campus, other than some large protest banners “describing the Columbus-inspired holocaust.”

Yes, posters reading “Indigenous People’s Day” automatically mean “holocaust.” Alan Grayson wasn’t this over-the-top.

I called Columbia to ask how a campus that detests Columbus justifies giving a forum to Iranian madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. No one got back to me.

Probably that pesky “we don’t talk to people who think penicillin was an American invention” policy.

Virtually no public institutions in the five boroughs are open today. The CUNY system is closed. Fifth Avenue halts for the Columbus Day Parade.

Traffic has never moved faster.

Only the private NYU, Columbia’s kissing cousin in correctness, is joining it in holding classes today. Even Brown is closed.

Because they don’t have Election Day off…

Had Columbus never set foot in the West, Columbia University would never have been created. And political correctness would not exist.

Huh?

Thanks a lot, Columbus.


– JCD

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43 Comments

  1. Applause  

    Sure, it's shooting fish in a barrel, but style and execution is everything.

  2. Oh my gosh:  

    Congrats, Bwog, this is actually amazing.

    Good job.

  3. haha  

    great post. And princeton also does not celebrate columbus day - or give election day off, or the week of thanksgiving

  4. wow

    For once, the snarkiness is deserved. Well done, BWOG. This is one of the funniest things I've read in quite some time

  5. IN-  

    FUCKING-CREDIBLE. Hats off to you bwog.

  6. why this year?

    columbia's been doing this forever

  7. awesome  

    best bwog post in a while, keep it up

  8. guess she didn't realize  

    she could have just asked the cu republicans about mahmoud while she had them talking about the bbq. they endorsed his visit.

  9. well....  

    Columbia, the personification of America was based on Columbus' name, so she wasn't totally wrong. just mostly wrong.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Columbia_(name)

  10. Joe Morgan  

    But what was Columbus batting average? Was he clutch? Derek Jeter-esque?

  11. dear bwog  

    i do love you. thank you for reminding me why.

  12. oh bwog  

    you make me want to kill off thousands of indigenous people, rob their lands to forge new country, force the new pilgrims in my country to celebrate my birthday, and later have a journalist write about how a school doesn't celebrate my birthday

  13. 2150  

    happy columbus day everyone!!!!

  14. Crow T. Robot  

    I approve of this post.

  15. hmm  

    your "Columbia" looks like Susan Sarandon.

    and this post was excellent.

  16. this is just like  

    gawker.

  17. Bwog,  

    you make me feel like I did when that priest touched me in my special place.

  18. anon  

    Really? This was really lame, Bwog. It's retarded that Columbia doesn't give us Columbus Day off and you know it

  19. Awesome  

    Great Job Bwog!!!! GREAT post!

  20. alum

    This is brilliant. This needs to be a regular feature. Is this a regular feature? Make it a regular feature.

  21. 32094023949023  

    Columbia was NOT named after Columbus. Get the history right.

  22. hahah  

    BWOG IS BACK! This piece is HI-LARIOUS! I LOLed at work. oops

  23. other alum  

    Most large universities don't give Columbus Day, Veterans Day or Presidents Day off since it would mean rescheduling Monday classes, probably to either Friday or Saturday. Would you rather go to class then? Columbia does observe Memorial Day and Labor Day as Monday holidays.

  24. And...

    Columbus was probably not Italian...

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Origin_theories_of_Christopher_Columbus

    If anything you'd call him Geneose, as Italy didn't come to exist for 400 more years. But some scholars say he is Catalan. And just to be obstinate, I agree.

  25. I would know

    Malls were not invented in the Middle East. Bazaars, maybe, malls no.

  26. a thought

    Perhaps I'm giving the columnist too much credit, but is it possible that she knew penicillin wasn't invented in America or by an American, but she was actually obliquely suggesting that the decimation of the indigenous population lead to the understanding of viruses which then lead to penicillin? I mean, it'd make her less of a dumbass and more of a bat-shit scary racist, which the rest of her column already seems to hint.

  27. ndp  

    Thanks Bwog. People should read 'Silencing the Past' by Trouillot, it's not long, funny and points out a lot of inconsistences (unrelated to the slavery, violence and disease) associated w C-day.

  28. Anonymous

    this is a really great dissection of a highly self-contradicting thought vomit. this lady was probably drunk ranting to meet her deadline. laugh out loud funny.

  29. roar lions roar  

    Well done. I really enjoyed this

    WTF with that reporter??

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