Mar

10

Package Center Exposed!

Written by

Columbians send and receive the darnedest things. This week, Postal Service (remember?) groupie Sarah Camiscoli slipped into the Package Center on the fourth floor of Lerner to beat the morning rush.  She sat down with the Package Center Professionals, Ralph, Jason, Alex, and Louie. Below, the Professionals list the most bizarre mail and people they’ve encountered.

Packages: Bundles of joy that become burdens of shame.

  • Thanksgiving dinner sent to Africa, returned by customs exactly one year later
  • Fresh coconut with stamp
  • Bouncy ball with a taped message that reads, “Have a ball!”
  • Cell phones that friends and parents turn on before sending and ring continuously for days
  • Game buzzer that resulted in a bomb scare involving Public Safety
  • A bimonthly shipment of pineapple juice that leaks out of the box every time
  • Jason’s favorite: a box that fell from the shelf, revealing several items of “clothing” and a dildo sent to a summer intern

People that “we treat specially”

  • Individual who repeatedly mails packages to himself, perplexed by the placement of the return address box
  • Young lady found sobbing outside the center door at 5:30 after realizing they were closed
  • Student who came in expecting his only birthday gift from his parents and instead received administrative documents
  • Boyfriend who walked in to find that his girlfriend was receiving flowers from her ex

  • Enthusiastic student who continuously shows the contents of his packages to the employees and at one point attempted to change into a new clothing item at the desk
  • Female who shows her ID by placing it on her glasses for effect
  • Another female who “very seriously” tries to replicate the expression on her ID each and every time she picks up a package
  • Friendly lady who asked one of the employees for his number after reading his name on the receipt

Favorite quotes from core-indoctrinated students:

  • While on the phone with the manager because he could not purchase stamps on the third floor, one particularly brawny student threatened an employee with, “I will embarrass you” and demanded that he “put a jar of quarters so all students can buy stamps.”
  • After facing an obstacle in an administrative process, one student shouted, “The vagaries of colonialism!”

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45 Comments

  1. midterms  

    gold.

    thank you, sarah.

  2. Oh boy!  

    This may be the funniest thing Bwog has ever posted. What a terrible, strange world those poor guys work in.

  3. Anonymous  

    steppin up the game to spectrum huh.

  4. It it I,  

    who keeps trying to replicate that dashingly adorable face on my CUID. Who doesn't not a grinning girl in a soccer jersey!

  5. hottie batoddies

    am i the only one who thinks several of the guys who work in the package center are kinda sexy? they should make a calender with the guys from columbia hardware/houseware. get on it bwog!

  6. gay guy

    There's one guy with an earring and usually in khakis who has such a fine ass.

  7. hahaha  

    this is so so super. but now i'll feel really self-conscious when i pick up my packages.

  8. incredible  

    BWOG. Best post I've read in 4 years. absolutely amazing. I love you guys.

  9. honesty  

    this is really good, but i'm still switching to spectrum for my columbia-related entertainment

  10. Sarah  

    awesome post!! keep up the columbia-administration exposes, guys.

  11. bahahaha  

    okay, i thought bwog was sucking lately, but this is HILARIOUS. i actually laughed out loud.

  12. Hooah  

    This. Is. Awesome.

  13. rivals  

    the newest spectrum post

  14. Wait, what?  

    "Female who shows her ID by placing it on her glasses for effect"

    Am I dumb/sleep-deprived or does this make no sense?

    • Dumb...

      and sleep-deprived. Read it again when you wake up tomorrow.

      Basically, she's trying to make it easier to do a facial comparison. She's a weirdo. But, I'd like to think that we're welcoming to that sort of thing.

  15. your scores are out of ten

    SUBJECT: 9. Whose idea was this? Because it was a damn good one. Falls squarely on the "tainment" side of infotainment, but solid as a rock.

    WRITING: 3. Listicles are the cheap tool of the NYMag.coms of the world - don't fall into that trap! Also the middle section reads like a police booking.

    PICTURE: 5. Does anyone remember that Roseanne episode where she fantasizes about sitting naked in a bathtub full of money? This reminds me of that.

  16. ok  

    I know the thing about the girl crying was meant to be "humorous," but seriously they are

    a) SO INEFFICIENT with processing mail and getting it to you. Less so the package center than the fucking mail center which literally sits on your mail for days and doesn't give it to you. Oh, all my mail from the past month coincidentally came on the same day after I'd been obsessively checking for important documents for a week straight? Nope, you just put it in my mailbox whenever you feel like it after I've accumulated 5 different things!

    b) CLOSED ON SATURDAYS (/close early on Fridays). People get really important things in the package center! Maybe that girl needed her fucking medication/a cell phone to contact people/anything of any sort of time sensitive nature, and was banking on them being open til 7 but didn't know the Friday hours. Or maybe, JUST MAYBE, she had a JOB which didn't get out until 5 and wasn't able to get there in time! They seriously need to reassess their hours/be open on Saturdays because it's ridiculous..

  17. Anonymous

    I love the package center! They might have crappy hours when it comes to weekends, but I think the school had them cut back hours to save money, so they can't really help it. The staff really is helpful and nice, especially Alex. He also happens to be hotttt.

    Also, what happened to the red-haired gentleman who used to work there? I think his name was Scott...?

  18. haha  

    lol she was upset that she didn't get important documents

  19. LONELY GUY  

    THE ONE EARRING GUY IS MINE! STAY AWAY!

  20. great post  

    Nice job Bwog -- some hilarious stuff here. Keep doing interviews of the people who make this campus run (ladies of Ferris Booth next plz)

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