Closing Remarks: Out of the Bubble Edition

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You know the drill: the semester’s ending, strange things are coming up on our lawns, and your teachers are saying even stranger things. We asked for your professors’ closing remarks, and here are a collection of the most outstanding:

Sam Moyn, Historical Origins of Human Rights
“Well, it’s been a sheer delight. Have nice lives.”

Patrick Singy, History of Sexuality
“I hope you are all very familiar with fist fucking.”

José Moya, Latin American Civilization
“People do other things besides screw each other up. They have children, they dance, they hate their neighbors, they hate their in-laws…and that’s most of what life is.”

Dan O’Flaherty, Economics of Race in the United States
“This just goes to show you that, no matter how interesting and controversial an issue is, if you apply economics to it, it turns out to be complicated and boring.”

Padma Desai, Principles of Economics
On the final exam: “I don’t want you to multiply and divide, because some of you can’t do that.”

Alan Timberlake, Advanced Grammar and Grammars
Regarding senior dinner: “We’re going to have a shortened session tonight because we’re tired and it’s the end of the year and you have to go off to pre-party… pre-game… whatever it’s called.”

Anne Higonnet, Intro to Art History II
“This was a crucial event of my childhood. My mother’s idea of a good Saturday was to put on our matching leopard-print miniskirts and go leaflet against the war… That was what it was like in the sixties.”

Marco Castaldi, Environmental Control and Pollution Reduction Systems
“Cotangent? What the hell is that? Arcsin? Why do you even need these when you have tangent or sin? I got those buttons on my calculator already.”

Christia Mercer, History of Philosophy
After inadvertently showing a video of dancing women in underwear: “I thought you all were applauding ME!”

Christia Mercer, Philosophy and Feminism
“Be queer!”

Bert Huang, Object-Oriented Programming and Design
“Computer science is one of the few scientific and engineering disciplines where you can actually build the things you study. If you’re a physicist and you build a particle accelerator, you might create a black hole. And then you’d have to fight off time-travelers.”

Peter Bower, Environmental Science II
“All of you function very well in the academic world, but the real world is very different. And that’s that. Oh, and if you want to see your grades in a timely fashion, I have no control over this. This is all controlled by Oz, some place.”

Scott Snyder, Organic Chemistry II
“I love [‘The Rock’ starring Nicholas Cage] because it’s one of the only movies where there is a chemist who carries a gun. He’s a biochemist, which is like the dark side to organic chemistry.”

Adam Spry, University Writing
“The only thing I will be able to do with a PhD in Native American studies is teach or write. Instead, I am going to start a TV show where I go around NYC and fix the grammar on street signs and call it punc’d.”

Frances Negrón-Muntaner, Intro to Latin Studies
“Does anyone know what love is? Love is thinking about someone else other than yourself and that’s it. It’s been great to teach all of you now it’s time for our 5 minute salsa lesson!”

Evan Neeley, CC
“Ok so we’ve got 20 minutes of class left. It’s really about time we stop discussing my drinking problems and get back to Dewey.”

Marc Spiegelman, Intro to Applied Math
“If you don’t understand this stuff, come ask me questions. I’ll be around for awhile. They gave me tenure.”

Alexander Brietzke, Modern Drama
“So your favorite play was…Angels in America! Followed by…The Importance of Being Earnest. What can I say about this? I guess you guys just prefer gay playwrights.”

Rashid Khalidi, History of the Modern Middle East
On Obama’s campaign promises: “Saying you wanted to withdraw troops from Iraq was like saying you’re in favor of motherhood and apple pie.”

Victoria Rosner, Literature of the Fin de Siecle
Regarding Freud and Id: “The Id is your basic desire, like ‘I need to have sex with’…well, who do you young people want to have sex with? Zac…Ef…ron? Hmm. Um, Scarlett Johansson! Some of you must want to have sex with her, right? Yeah! It’s the part of you that says ‘I NEED to have sex with Scarlett Johansson!!’…Shouting it, I realize, maybe even I do. I never realized. Well, good thing it’s not all of us. Life walking around would be so hard for her. I need to have sex with Scarlett Johansson! That’s the id.”

Unnamed instructor, CC
CC Instructor: “Guys, would you be ok if we postponed our CC paper until next Friday and not this one?”
Student: “I will marry you.”
CC Instructor:”Are you American?”
Student: “Yes!”
CC Instructor: “This may work…”

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  1. Anonymous  

    <3 u, Christia.

  2. these are  

    amazing! Love that you have professors from a bunch of disciplines in here.

  3. C.  

    Oh my god, these are amazing. I wish I had comments like these in my last classes.

  4. Victoria Rosner

    is consistently hilarious. Seriously, you could do a regular column of ridiculous shit she says.

  5. punc'd  

    with a c, like punctuation. that's the whole joke.

  6. Anonymous  

    There's a class on "Advanced Grammar"? This must be a requirement for Theoretical Grammar, right?

  7. khalidis  

    comment was pretty dumb. i mean about 50 percent of the country didnt support it ... sooo explain that one....

  8. yes

    prof mercer is a goddess.

  9. lol  

    the last one made me laugh out loud.

  10. Anonymous

    timberlake is a hero

  11. linguist in adv grammar

    No. It's for linguists.

  12. Anonymous  

    and we all know what you do on Friday nights

  13. Jose Moya  

    is awesome and a good dancer!

  14. ...  

    wow, evan neeley is still teaching CC. those poor, poor kids.

  15. a guess

    given the preferences of the parties involved, any Israel/Palestine thread will quickly become a sea of gray "Hidden due to low comment ratings"

  16. yep

    didn't read this shit, it was too long and boring... i want m damn barnard girl on a pink scooter... in Harmony hall!!!! whereEVER THE FUCK THAT IS!!!!

  17. Moyn

    makes Columbia (slash the world) a better place.

  18. Anonymous  

    adam spry is a balla

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