You may have noticed those snazzy new lava-lamp-shaped bottles in Butler or 212 and wondered to yourself, “WTF?!” David Hu has your answer, and in a selfless quest to keep you informed he drank one of those miracles of chemical engineering.

This will improve your blood flow

Undoubtedly, the first thing that strikes you about Neurogasm is the bottle. Its long, slender red shape is certainly connotative of other objects; for example, rockets, which are full of energy—and energy is indeed the prime reason for these sorts of energy drinks to exist. Though Neurogasm can be found in Butler Café and Café 212 alongside Red Bull and other similar products, this drink’s list of purported effects certainly goes beyond just giving you wings:

• Greater energy
• Better performance
• Enhances satisfaction
• Promotes healthy blood flow

I’d like to see your Starbucks double shot do that.

When the first drops of Neurogasm touched my lips, I felt a sensation that touched me from my innermost core to my outermost extremities: revulsion. This drink just does not taste good. The flavor reminded me a little of Red Bull, but it doesn’t have the edginess of its competitor, and Neurogasm’s carbonation (although described as “light” on the bottle) is a little too pronounced. The flavor itself is hard to describe objectively, but it’s vaguely fruity and there is an aftertaste that makes me think of bananas. But if you’re used to the flavor of other energy drinks such as Full Throttle or Monster, the taste of Neurogasm won’t be too unfamiliar.

There’s caffeine and taurine, and these will indeed make the drinker more energized. But in terms of nonstandard effects, well, let’s just say that my current thoughts aren’t on differentials or integrals as much as division and integrating. This may be the placebo effect kicking in after I read the company’s claim of “passion in every bottle,” but it’s an effect nonetheless.

And hey, look at that girl eyeing me from the other table in 209. That’s right, I am studying for a 4-point class now. Oh wait. No. No! It’s not that I need Neurogasm…I mean, not at all. I’m writing a piece for Bwog about it. Really. If you get to know me better maybe you’ll get a chance to personally realize that. I mean, really. Oh, you’re getting up and leaving…

Man, what am I doing in Butler on a night when I should be out having fun? Maybe this drink is trying to tell me something. God dammit, okay, Neurogasm, you win this time; I’m going to Campo and meeting me some real women.