May

17

Senior Wisdom: Alyssa Lamontagne

Written by

Name, school: Alyssa Lamontagne, Columbia College

Claim to fame: In the immortal words of the Barenaked Ladies, “I have a history of taking off my shirt.” I wish that weren’t so true.

On a more serious note, I was the Editor in Chief of C-Spot for the last two issues, the token silly old man in King’s Crown Shakespeare Troupe, and most importantly, I founded the Columbia Class of 2011 Facebook Group, which rocketed a simple loudmouthed Canadian to fame and fortune for approximately two weeks.

Where are you going? I’ll be living uptown for about a month while looking for a job until I move to White Plains with my handsome American boyfriend. I’m Canadian and so I get a year to work in this fine country until I get shipped back up North. All of this is just to pass the time, of course, until I write the great Can-American novel or else find myself a grumpy, embittered public school teacher with three cats and two chin hairs, which I assume will grow as soon as I fail to achieve my dreams.

Three things you learned at Columbia

1. A few people here actually believe Canada is made of permafrost, but most people don’t. The idea that Americans are fairly knowledgable about other countries isn’t popular in Canada. There are a lot of extremely intelligent, open-minded people in this country who have made me want to stay, even though I’ve had people back home call me a traitor.

2. Some things just aren’t worth fighting about. I used to argue about everything before I got here, especially politics. A year on John Jay Nine with my dear but super conservative friend Big Texas taught me that some people are just never going to agree with you no matter what, and often it’s far more pleasant to change the subject than to sit there arguing over a fence in Arizona.

3. Sometimes it feels really great to get naked with your friends. After a few months of hiking your breasts up to your neck it’s easy to feel that your body exists only for the amusement of others, which is kind of scary. Getting naked with the people you care about in a non-sexual way invokes a freedom and a feeling of personal ownership over those great boobs of yours, even if it’s only in a shirts-off-o’clock context.

“Back in my day…” Obama wasn’t president. No matter what your politics are, it has drastically affected the way Columbia students perceive ourselves within America. After Obama became president we were innately tied to the American identity, despite being perceived as an ultra-liberal institution. I’ve seen some of my friends go from being ashamed of their country to moderately cool with their country.

But that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I’m aggressively friendly and may have even helped introduce you to a new friend. That friend might be me, but that’s even better, right? Right?

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? Half of the parties I attend in EC are still broken up by public safety, so I’m going to give a resounding no to that first question. Then again, ever since the Bond Party first year (the glory of which we have come close to but never been able to duplicate), I haven’t considered a party legitimate unless it’s broken up by the NYPD and you’re running down the stairs in a giant pack of girls in underwear, desperately trying to chug a stolen forty before you get out on the street.

It’s not conclusive, but from the murmurings I hear about the next few days, I think we may win it by the end.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I would gladly choose death.

Advice for the class of 2015:

– Like my friend Mke Kennelly said, have a few different friend groups. If you expand your base, you’ll never be stuck going to something alone and awkwardly standing in a corner just because your friends didn’t want to go.

– The best cure for a hangover is a bottle of vitamin water and an egg and cheese from Nussbaum.

– Make friends with your dorm’s security guards, and treat them nicely. That goes for anyone that you encounter. In the world. Ever.

– Get a job. Get multiple jobs. And go to them. Now’s the time to learn how to be a real person.

– Get internships. Shitty, unpaid internships or paid ones, it doesn’t matter. You will need them so you do not become a crazy homeless cat lady like me.

– Get naked and love your body and accept compliments with grace. Accept insults with humor. Enjoy your jiggly bits.

– You may have one or more mental breakdowns while you’re here, but everybody hurts sometimes. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, because that shit is free for the first ten sessions.

– Have fun in the manner that most suits you. If you want to stay in on Friday nights and have LAN parties, then do it, but relax, for God’s sake.

Any regrets? I regret nothing that I’ve done; I regret only those things I didn’t do.

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23 Comments

  1. lol

    THE MORE IMPORTANT Q. IS: IS HER AMERICAN BF AN ASIAN-AMERICAN BF?

    AND IF SO, HAS SHE FUCKED HIM?

  2. i giggled

    - You may have one or more mental breakdowns while you’re here, but everybody hurts sometimes. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, because that shit is free for the first ten sessions.

  3. Anonymous

    I don't know why, but this is just really obnoxious.

  4. Huh:

    I thought I wouldn't like her senior wisdom, but this is actually really great.

  5. Anonymous

    one of the better senior wisdoms i've read! (her personality actually comes out, unlike many of the other dull senior w's)

  6. Bare Naked Man

    Alyssa, I actually read and posted on this in the nude. Guess that makes me the first to follow your wisdom, how's that make you feel? Ow, little more awkward than you antici-pated, hm?

  7. this

    is exactly what I would've written: "I regret nothing that I’ve done; I regret only those things I didn’t do." Such a true statement.

  8. BLTs

    Alyssa is a wonderful person and we need to spread terrible rumors about her in Canada so that they won't let her go back.

  9. Anonymous  

    hers was the only oral sex/cheese answer that ever actually made me burst out laughing

  10. Anonymous  

    "Sometimes it feels really great to get naked with your friends. After a few months of hiking your breasts up to your neck it’s easy to feel that your body exists only for the amusement of others, which is kind of scary. Getting naked with the people you care about in a non-sexual way invokes a freedom and a feeling of personal ownership over those great boobs of yours, even if it’s only in a shirts-off-o’clock context.'

    I can't tell if it's a joke or not.....What, what is this?

  11. Anonymous

    DEAR ALYSSA, I'M OBSESSED WITH YOU. LOVE, WORLD.

  12. Photo Credit  

    Goes to Ian Kwok, a phenomenal photographer and another proud Canadian!

  13. jealous Canadian Perth friend

    We want her back!, give her back! You may not keep her......Mounties will be sent......

  14. Stephanie

    I choo choo choo choose you. Too bad you didn't choose Canada. But hopefully the recession's there for good and you'll have to. Kidding, American amigos!

  15. jiggly bits

    BEST part! or maybe the free ten session is the best part. i don't know, all of this is so cute. the whole naked thing is not my style, but good for you for finding what makes you comfortable.

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