All Is Fair In Love, War, and Manhattan Real Estate

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It’s that time of year when friendships become political liabilities and a 300 sq ft box seems like an extravagant luxury. The actual process of picking a hovel takes place much later (and we’ve got you covered on that front), but before we get to that point, groups must be forged in the fiery crucible of deceit and realpolitik. Wholly unprepared for the challenges ahead, Bwog decided to appeal to familiar friends: CC Philosophers.

Bwog's Special Housing Correspondent

  • Plato: Housing is all really a lie. Like, seriously, guys. I poked around in John Jay’s Housing “livestock yard” last year, and found Scott Wright manipulating the whole extravaganza like it was a puppet show. You “chose” to break down into doubles, but didn’t you really want that last Ruggles 8-person? Of course you don’t believe me, but I’ve seen the light, damnit.
  • God: There’s this big ‘ol list of rules over on the Housing website, but they’re kind of a bore and most people didn’t really read them.
  • Marcus Aurelius:  Suites are for people with emotions. Do general selection. Get a Wien single. Lock the door. Never come out.
  • Machiavelli: Be a complete social whore starting second semester. Casually pick up the check after your regular weekend brunches, and be liberal with your cigarettes. Most importantly, always have a backup roommate ready in case you need to bail into a double.
  • Rousseau: Never leave the state of nature. EC or bust.
  • Kant: One does not simply ask how to house—careful inspection of the internal processes and minutia of the housing sequence of events will reveal a nuanced dialectic joining the metaphysical diversity of options with the inevitable conclusion that happiness is elusive, if not impossible, when choosing between a variety of friends, each of whom are assigned a rank along a dualist gradient of friendship and general utility with relation to your personage.
  • Marx: Dorms are bougie. Should’ve gone for Potluck.
  • Darwin: Study abroad.
  • Nietzsche: Don’t let yourself be roped into the same housing as all the other sheep. Tell the whole system to “Blow me” and go get an apartment off campus.

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  1. Anonymous  


  2. Anonymous  


    yes yes yes. INCREASE inside jokes that only pseudo-intellectually-elitist columbians will understand!

  3. Anonymous  

    actually amazing.

  4. Bougie  

    Not an acceptable substitute for the word "bourgeois" - reads as "candle" instead.

  5. Anonymous  

    Kant is Boromir?

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