GonzoBwog: How to Eat a Vermonster Without Even Dying
Written by Bwog Staff
After responding to one hungry reader’s inquiry about local eating competitions in Morningside, one challenge in particular—the Ben & Jerry’s Vermonster—piqued the interest of a couple Bwoggers. These foolhardy individuals journeyed to the B&J on 104th last weekend to give it a go… and almost succeeded. What began as a two-person effort eventually required the assistance of other comrades who had come with to watch, but after about an hour, eight spoons, two straws, 10 glasses of water, and countless disgusted faces, the Vermonster was history. In the event that any of you decide to challenge this behemoth of a “dessert,” Bwog presents here a couple of guidelines which you should bear in mind.
- Twenty Scoops does not mean twenty flavors. This is absolutely critical. You’re going to be sitting down with this bad boy for what seems like an eternity, so why not commit one or two flavors? Constantly shifting from vanilla to cookie dough to fudge will only upset your stomach further and increase your chances of spewing tenfold.
- Don’t Include Mint-Flavored Anything. No matter what flavors you get, mint will greatly contrast and upset your flow. Like salt or onions, it is one of those things that virtually changes the whole taste of a entree. Furthermore, why would you want brain freeze on two different levels?
- Avoid Peanut Butter. Why do you think potheads and college students love peanut butter so much? Because it is filling! The more peanut butter you have, the quicker you won’t want to take another bite.
- Bring Your Athlete Friends. They will beat you into not giving up. And also leave you wondering whether or not this “coach” they refer to is some sort of prophet.
- Take Bananas in Moderation. After the first few bites, you will realize that bananas aren’t wholesome tropical fruits loaded with potassium, but rather slimy balls of grossness soaked in sugar and melted ice cream. Every banana slice punches you right in the gag reflex due to their texture, so make sure not to eat too many at a time and take a breath before popping one in your mouth.
- Drink Water. The astronomical amount of sugar you are taking in will leave you dehydrated, so make sure to constantly be armed with a glass. Bwog even had designated water-getters. Don’t drink too much though, the space in your stomach is for ice cream.
- Get High Before. Bwog doesn’t condone the use of illegal narcotics and completed the feats with sober minds and sober hearts, but we’re sure that a little bit of munchies won’t hurt you.
Tags: 2 much f00d, ben & jerry's, big mind, hydration is crucial, i'm a motherfukin verMONSTER, no mint ever, preferably your rower friends, seriously the bananas will kill you, small stomach, we all scream... when we're trying to finish a vermonster