Apr

19

The Best Of The McKinsey Report Jargon

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In the beginning was the McKinsey report, and the McKinsey report was a BFD. Last week, we broke down the”who” “when” and “why” parts—now we bring you the “what.” After squinting at all 12 badly rendered slides for 10+ minutes, consulting tons of super important experts, and figuring out how to copy and paste from Spec’s PDF, we’re proud to present the best of the McKinsey Report jargon. Sit back, crack open a PBR, and join us as we scoff at corporate stuff.

Jargon: it's like a bunch of euphemisms, but douchier

Choice phrases:

  • “Consider selected investments in instructional and infrastructural capacities”
  • “Key enablers for each structure type”
  • “Establish policies concerning the ‘care and feeding’ of students”
  • “Cross-cutting challenges”
  • “Suboptimal knowledge sharing and adoption of best practices”
  • “Identify incremental offerings to increase offerings”
  • “Sub-optimal decision making effectiveness”
  • “Inform the allocation of decision rights”
  • “Solution approach to be determined”

By the numbers:

  • Appearances of the phrase “vis-a-vis”: 4
  • Dramatically shaded arrows: 6
  • Other schools mentioned: 8
  • Vague-but-fun chart count: 10
  • Deans interviewed: 11
  • Ratio of “e.g.”s to “etc”s: 31 to 1
  • Flashbacks we had to failed case interviews: 1 million
One way to fulfill the language requirement via Wikimedia Commons

 

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13 Comments

  1. Why

    is there no link so we can read it ourselves?

  2. Why

    fail nevermind I see it.

  3. ...  

    the funny part is, a grand total of about 500 words was probably typed into some program along with the selection of maybe 10 options or so and the upload of the school logo which then generated a 50 page slidepack and a 200 page report.

  4. Anonymous  

    Such bullsh*t. There is no decision that McKinsey can make better than the Columbia community itself.

  5. Anonymous  

    i just promised myself that I will never work for Mckinsey or any similar management consulting firm
    ...
    woohoo! i'm free!

  6. Anonymous

    nothing about SEAS?

  7. OMG

    McKinsey isn't making ANY decisions. An administrative drone (Nicholas Dirks) within Columbia commissioned McKinsey to create a report to support HIM in a decision HE ALREADY MADE as additional ammunition to help him with the moving of chess pieces, thereby giving him the additional "expert political cachet" that he wouldn't have otherwise. Don't you see how the politics here work?!

    • Anonymous

      Agree. Third parties and independent commissions are professional enough to know exactly what objective conclusion they should reach before they look.

      Also, I have credible evidence that faculty health benefits have weapons of mass destruction.

  8. kl

    Fuck Dirks.....asshole

  9. ...  

    and oh yeah, bwog, you forgot the most important part to any mckinsey product... the soundtrack!

    http://people.zoy.org/~sam/mckc.mp3

    if the faculty of arts and sciences didn't get a custom jingle with their $400,000.00 powerpoint, they should demand their money back.

  10. Who  

    Decided to give Bwog a sparkly pink myspace-like cursor trail?

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