Sep

8

Choose Your Own Adventure: NYC Tornado

Written by

seriously it's a real thing

Children participate in a tornado drill

Historically, New York has not seen many tornados. (So few so that Bwog had to lookup whether there’s an “e” in the plural.  You can go either way.)  To celebrate this atypical natural splendor, Alexandra Svokos urges you to Choose Your Own Adventure:

A. You are sitting in bed, noshing on some Strawberry Veronas and refreshing Facebook.  In an attempt to pretend to be productive, you open lionmail only to find Dean Martinez’s email and gasp.  After scanning the email, you…

  1. Call home.  Your overbearing mother reminds you of the emergency kit she made you bring to school.  You hang up the phone to go through and make sure the crank radio, flashlight, and canned foods are still functional.
  2. Send a mass text to all your friends at school.  Tonight is gonna be epic.  You immediately run to CrackDel and International and pick up as much alcohol as you and a blue bin with a comforter on top can carry.
  3. Shrug.  Make sure your windows are closed.

B. Back on your bed, you look out your window.  Holy shit, it got so dark so quickly.  Noticing this, you…

  1. Take a hit from your inhaler.  This.  Is.  Not.  Good.  You crack open a can of baked beans and stress eat the whole thing in 10 seconds.  Then you scrummage through your room and the floor trash bins until you find some cardboard and duct tape.  You then begin to cover all your windows and even, just in case, the door leading to the hallway.
  2. Take out your phone, take a picture, find the coolest filter, and post it on Instagram.  #nadoparty #yolo
  3. Roll your eyes.  Close the blinds.  Sit back down at your desk and take out your textbook to do some reading.

C. After doing this, you get a call from your BFF Jill.  She asks you what’s up.  You tell her…

  1. “I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.”
  2. “Are you ready for tonight?  It’s going to be legen–wait for it–dary.”
  3. “Did you figure out example 4H in chapter 11?  I know we’re not getting to this section for another 3 weeks, but I just want to be prepared.”

D. You hang up the phone and open up Google to search for…

  1. Tornado safety.  Why, oh why, did you have to grow up in a town that didn’t have mandatory tornado drill?
  2. Rules for True American.
  3. Integration by parts.  You can’t believe you can’t remember how to do this.

E. An hour and a half later, the storm is waging on above your roof.  The rain is slamming into the windows and winds are howling against the grates.  Right now, you are…

  1. In the tunnels.  It’s the furthest underground you could get on campus, you checked.  You are sitting with your back against the wall in a fetal position—like your research on tornado drills told you to do.
  2. STANDING ON YOUR BUREAU!  JFK!  THE FLOOR IS LAVA!  TIME TO SHOTGUN ANOTHER BEER!
  3. Sitting at your desk, up to chapter 14.

F. It’s morning and the city has, once again, survived a natural disaster for which New Yorkers got unnecessarily panicked about.  Opening your eyes as you wake up, you see…

  1. A cockroach clicking up the tunnel wall opposite you.  You feel cramped as all hell from sitting curled up all night.  Emerging creakily from the tunnels, you see that campus is still intact.  Your peers are healthy and safe.  You get back to your room, peel the cardboard off your windows and door, and collapse onto your double-mattress-padded bed.
  2. Your BFF Jill slumped against a pile of beer cans.  Who had the audacity to turn on the light?  Oh, it’s the sun.  You fell asleep on the floor, so you easily push yourself upright before noticing how much the world is spinning.  Looks like it’s gonna be just another morning spent puking in the bathroom.  Your floormates hate you.
  3. Your alarm clock blinking “8:00” as it gently chimes you awake.  You get out of bed, set it, take a shower, and sit back at your desk to continue going through the textbook.  Just three more chapters left!

G. It’s 3 pm and it’s almost as if last night never happened.  You’re back sitting in bed, noshing on Strawberry Veronas and refreshing Facebook.

No matter which adventure you choose, know that tomorrow morning will more than likely be exactly the same as every other morning; don’t worry too much but do stay safe and don’t be an idiot.  Adventure responsibly.

Fire drills meet the midwest via Wikimedia Commons

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11 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    :-) Have a happy day!

  2. DAMN IT  

    Now I have to brace the tornado to get those too good to pass up Strawberry Veronas at Westside....Thanks, Alexandra........

  3. Anonymous

    This is brilliant.

  4. Anonymous

    This is not brilliant.

  5. Anonymous  

    This is somewhat brilliant

  6. Anonymous

    This is somewhat stupid

  7. Meat  

    Whatever. I spanked my meat-FUCKING BASHED IT-furiously to this post and will continue to do so as my bros explore their anuses on Vitamin K here in THA COCK HAUS.

  8. student for efficient use of trolls  

    ok i doubt she's banking on this winning the pulitzer, so how about we all unbunch our goddamn panties, stop scrutinizing the genius/creativity of the post and save the insecurity for later in the semester when everyone's looking to feed off each other's douchiness?

  9. Anonymous  

    Personally, I find this fucking hilarious.

  10. Anonymous  

    I agree with anonymous above. I've always had a thing for choose your own adventure.

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