“I cannot tell a lie,” said a young Washington. “Columbia’s political scandals aren’t that bad.”

Earlier this week, Bwog reported on the Stampgate and Tapegate scandals that sullied the CCSC election. However, the revelation gave us an opportunity to count our blessings, and recognize that the dirty dealings on campus aren’t nearly as bad they might be…

15. John Jay cleaning lady revealed to be mother to candidate’s secret second family.

14. Candidate caught paying $500 at Scott J’s for mediocre haircut.

13. Rumors circulate of candidate not being born in United States.

12. Candidate wrote the McKinsey report.

11. Numerous students report candidate offered them a place in Student Government in exchange for oral sex in the back of late night campus shuttle.

10. Candidate’s posters found to be 100% attack ads.

9. Candidate revealed to be PrezBo with different coiffure.

8. Candidate seen transporting full fish tank on top of blue bin moving into Carman.

7. Video leaked of candidate at donor dinner saying that 47% of freshmen think they’re entitled to John Jay fro-yo, despite being on financial aid.

6. Witnesses reveal that candidate forcibly removed a classmate’s ponytail during NSOP.

5. Candidate found to have $100m in off-campus Flex accounts at NYU.

4. Candidate used family connections to dodge the PE requirement.

3. Candidate accidentally uploaded dick pics originally intended for his mistress to a public CourseWorks posting about The Odyssey.

2. COÖP leader reveals candidate never hiked the Appalachian Trail.

1. Candidate had an affair with a White House intern…as an intern.

Founding Father via Wikimedia Commons