“Here in this Purgatory, all the people with whom you’ve ever come in contact are gathered. The scattered bits of you are collected, pooled, and unified. The mirrors are held up in front of you. Without the benefit of filtration, you see yourself clearly for the first time. And that is what finally kills you.”
—David Eagleman, Sum

Lots of people tell you that college is about finding yourself. Inspired by reading Cosmo that grand idea, Bwog would like to provide you all with a dose of self-discovery. So, Master of the Quizzes Brian Wagner devised a method to celebrate your uniqueness by asking you a limited number of questions and then placing you into one of a few very broad categories. Once placed, you’ll have a clear picture of how your peers view you inside the classroom. Science!

Start by answering the following questions…

Question 1: Your class begins at 11:00. It is now 10:59. Where are you?

a) In my seat, duh. I’ve been here for like ten minutes. You didn’t notice?

b) Waltzing into the room holding my Joe coffee.

c) Hustling down College Walk and only just now noticing my shirt is on inside-out.

d) My bed, bro. You didn’t know the professor posts the slides on Courseworks?

Question 2: You’re in Lit Hum and the professor reads a passage, then offers an interpretation. You disagree. What do you do?

a) Quote the passage in the original language, and politely explain that my uncle is “basically the world’s leading scholar” on the author’s works.

b) Talk about my opinion. For a while. Plus, I can tell everyone totally wants to hear how this relates to that time my dog did that thing.

c) I was too busy staring at the hot guy/girl across from me to notice someone was talking. But now you made eye contact and it’s awkward.

d) I don’t actually disagree, but this passage is totally like that part in The Matrix, and I figure the class should know.

Question 3: You’re in a large lecture class, and you brought your computer today. What is on the screen?

a) My notes

b) Facebook

c) Reddit

d) Definitely not porn

Question 4: You’re in a large lecture class, and you forgot your computer. You pass the time by…

a) …asking questions. Except they’re questions that everyone knows the answer to, because you just repeated exactly what the professor said, but used inflections.

b) …talking not-so-quietly to your friend. Sure, people are giving you dirty looks, but Pat was wearing like, the cutest shirt today, and your friend should know.

c) …eating lunch. Well, you were until you got to the pita chips, because then it felt like you were chewing really loud and you got all self-conscious.

d) …playing Words with Friends. Shit, your battery died. Better take a nap.

Question 5: The TA is late to your discussion section, and the students are making small talk to pass the time. You…

a) …immediately inform everyone of how little sleep you got last night, how much coffee you drank this morning, how your essay is “like, the worst thing I’ve ever written,” and just how “college” that makes you feel. #YOLO

b) …casually slip into conversation something about that super amazing dinner your boyfriend/girlfriend cooked for you last night, and how said boyfriend/girlfriend is “just, like, so cool,” while angling your body in unnatural ways to display a hickey.

c) …sit down without saying anything, and pull out your phone to check your email. Then you check it again so that anyone watching you will think you’re important.

d) …are also late to your discussion section.

Okay, now you’re gonna have to do math. Give yourself 1 point for each a), 2 points for each b), 4 points for each c), and 6 points for each d). See, that wasn’t bad. Just adding. Now, find your score and corresponding description below!

5-7 Points: You are officially that guy. People tend to groan every time you raise your hand in class (which you do frequently). Sometimes they will think, “This person is the reason I dislike going to an Ivy League school.” But secretly they respect and fear your tireless devotion to coursework, for it is incomprehensible to them how or why you do it. You may well end up being their boss someday, and then it is you who will groan when they ask foolish questions like, “Can I have a raise?” Or, you may crack at the age of 25 and retire to an easy life of watering other people’s gardens to make a living. Either way, you’ll be happy. But for now, you’re still that guy, so stop raising your fucking hand every four minutes.

8-13 Points: You’re not that guy, but the reason is because everyone knows your name, so you’re just [name]. In fact, people know basically everything about you. The only problem is, they don’t want to know any of those things. That doesn’t faze you, however, because that time you saw Sarah Jessica Parker on Broadway and 120th was like really cool and definitely deserved four Facebook statuses, nine Tweets, and a tumblr post. Sure, no one liked, retweeted, or reblogged, but you know they read it. And hey, we’re living in a society where knowing how to use Twitter is inexplicably a marketable skill, so you’ll probably do fine after graduation. Kurt Vonnegut may be rolling over in his grave, but that won’t stop you from Instagramming a picture of it when you visit.

14-23 Points: Well look at you, mostly average Columbia student. Except, when I look at you, even if I know you, there’s a roughly 40% chance that you’ll awkwardly look away and avoid eye contact. You don’t raise your hand in lecture because you’re afraid people might judge you, just like how you judge them for raising their hands. You keep thinking, “I should go to office hours more,” but then you’re in Butler and it’s 2am and they’re probably over by now. Sometimes you stress over schoolwork, but you see that your friends are also stressed, so you bond with them and fight through it together. And let’s remember, mostly average at Columbia is still pretty damn good. So don’t forget to have a little fun while you’re here. 1020 later?

22-30 Points: You’re kind of an ass. The only problem is, you tend to think it makes you “cool” or “unique.” The laziness-coolness correlation was much stronger back in high school, but here your laziness just ticks off your classmates. Mostly because you’re taking half the credits but will still get an offer from a bank or consulting firm after graduation and go on to make hundreds of thousands of dollars as you spend your days sending inappropriate emails to your co-workers about how you are “so gonna tap” that hot new hire in HR.

31 Points: You added wrong.