In this edition of 2girls1snack, our intrepid tasters take on that most insidious yet strangely beloved of holiday treats: eggnog. Despite their (for one) general aversion to this creamy concoction and (for the other) total inexperience with this and most other elements of Christmas, the 2girls did extensive research in the name of science. And, you know, jokes about gross tasting white liquids. Disclaimer: One half of 2girls hates eggnog, the other had never tasted it before.
1)Hood Pumpkin Eggnog, $4.29
This flavor was kind of cheating, since it tasted less like traditional eggnog and more like some kind of pumpkin milkshake or liquified pumpkin pie. Although it was the most expensive, the extra dollar was well worth it for this vaguely orange respite from the classic versions. 2girls endorses this as our seasonal drink of choice.
Bonus commentary from a first time eggnog taster: “It was good at first and then I kind of felt like I was going to vomit.”
2)Southern Comfort Traditional Eggnog, $3.69
Exactly what Southern Comfort is doing making eggnog, let alone non-alcoholic eggnog, is a mystery even 2Girls can’t solve. Still, SoCo was by far the best of the traditional (read: non-pumpkin) eggnogs, with a spot-on consistency and the most spicy flavor. Best of all, there was no weird aftertaste, earning it high praise from our first time eggnog taster, who deemed it “inoffensive.” It’s about the same price as Ronnybrook, but for a full quart, nog-lovers will get more bang for their buck.
3) Ronnybrook Farm Eggnog, $3.69
Despite the encouragingly bourgeois proclamations of its label (“gluten free!” “small batch!” “family farm!”) the charmingly named Ronnybrook Farm eggnog wasn’t very different in flavor from the other three traditional versions. Maybe they forgot to ethically source their nutmeg? In any case, this rendition was perfectly passable as eggnogs go, and also the thickest and creamiest of the bunch. Which could be positive or negative depending on how viscous you like your ‘nog. We’re going to live that decision up to the true aficionados (grandparents? who drinks this, really?). This was also the smallest portion size, for convenience in case you just need a portable pick me up to bring to Butler. Or something.
4) Turkey Hill Eggnog
The best word to describe this eggnog would be “unassuming”–without old-school or fancy packaging or even affiliation with an alcohol brand, Turkey Hill was by far the most generic of the bunch. Fittingly, Turkey Hill was neither the best drink nor the grossest; while it had a pretty terrible aftertaste, it recalled shitty Nikolai more than bad medicine. The worst part of the Turkey Hill experience was that it tasted like alcohol without getting either of 2girls’ buzz on, but otherwise it’s an ideal choice for cheaply leaving your holiday party guests sober, filled with holiday cheer, and slightly grossed out.
5) Holiday Old Fashioned Homogenized Eggnog, $2.69
While the cheerfully kitsch packaging drew us in, the aftertaste of cough syrup (or nail polish remover, depending on which taster you asked) left something to be desired. Our notes read simply: “Real gross. Real, real gross.”