Gotta get that torn-up lawn in the shot.

Yesterday, Business Insider published an article by Peter Jacobs entitled “Take A Tour Of The Most Beautiful College Campus In New York City,” which was actually just a repost of an article published this summer. Columbia received the honor of being toured because it made Business Insider’s list of the top five Best Colleges in America. Not to be outdone, we decided to take a tour of Jacobs’ article taking a tour of us.

“Much of Columbia’s architecture reflects the university’s commitment to liberal education. All students must go through the school’s famed Core Curriculum, a series of classes aimed at creating critical thinkers.”

More like “a series of classes aimed at memorizing the work of past critical thinkers so you can sound smart while talking to other Columbia grads.” BUT THANKS.

“The university was originally founded by royal edict…”

Actually it was a royal charter, get your monarchical terms right.

“…in the mid-18th century as King’s College. These royal ties can still be seen in Columbia’s crown logo, which appears on flags and gates all over the campus.”

And in our extremely regal demeanor.

“Columbia’s first class consisted of nine students and one professor, who apparently…”

Does “apparently” mean you got your facts from the Admissions Office? I wouldn’t trust them, either.

“…closed the then-Wall Street based school to go fight the Revolutionary War.”

In more recent years, they would cancel a meeting of the “History of the Revolutionary War” class to go fight in Occupy Wall Street.

“The campus was then relocated uptown, to where 30 Rockefeller Plaza is now, before moving to its current location in the heart of uptown Manhattan’s Morningside Heights neighborhood. We recently decided to explore Columbia and see its stunning campus firsthand. In order to get the full experience, we…”

…enrolled at Columbia, spent four years posing as a GS student, and carefully observed and documented every interaction you had?

“…sat in an on information session and followed around a campus tour.”

Oh, that’s what you meant by “the full experience.”

“We started on the 1 subway line, which takes you directly to Columbia’s doorstep. The university has its own stop at 116th street.”

Well, it would be pretty dumb if the 1 went right to our doorstep and we didn’t have our own stop.

“Check out the blue and white trim, Columbia’s colors. Morningside Heights may seem like a normal New York neighborhood…”

Morningside Heights IS the real America, guys.

“…but you can’t miss the historic and beautiful Columbia campus. It stretches from 114th to 120th streets, and from Broadway to Amsterdam Avenue. One phrase we heard repeatedly was the idea of Columbia as an “academic acropolis.” Classical imagery is peppered throughout the campus, from columns on building entrances to philosophers’ names etched onto walls.”

Most of that is just graffiti.

“The gate is flanked by two statues. If you look closely at the woman on the southern end, you can see her book has Latin writing, a reference to the importance of the humanities.”

Latin = a language = humanities. That’s some deep investigative work there.

Alternative equation: Latin = useless = dead = humanities.

“The man to the north holds a globe that reads “Scientia,” emphasizing the sciences.”

Wait, I thought Latin represented the humanities. Now you’re telling me it also represents the sciences?

“The walk into Columbia on 116th street is tree lined, a nice break from the concrete jungle of New York.”

Can’t argue with that one.

“The first thing you notice on campus is Low Library, one of Columbia’s most iconic buildings. The columns and domed roof seem to connect it to ancient temples in Greece and Rome.”

Sure, just lump all of Greek and Roman architecture into “columns” and “a dome.”

“During the semester, the steps are one of the most popular places for students to hang out.”

I think you mean, during the brief period of the semester when we actually have sun.

“Right in the middle of the steps is ‘Alma Mater,’ which has been at Columbia for over a century. According to legend, the first student every year to find the owl hidden in her robes will become valedictorian. Here it is! The owl is located next to her left foot.”

And now, as per legend, Peter Jacobs will be the class of 2017’s valedictorian.

“The information session took place in a giant round room in the middle of Low. The ornate interior mirrored the building’s facade. There were around 150 people listening to the admissions officers. A group of ancient scholars looked down at the hopeful Columbians from above.”

Don’t worry, that’s probably just Emlyn Hughes.

“Outside of Low, you can see why Columbia can call itself a campus inside of a city.”

There’s a campus in a city in a state in country in a hole in the bottom of the sea!

“Our tour guide, a rising sophomore at Columbia, started the tour at the base of the Low Library steps. She started off with a story about why Low Library is a misnomer (there are no longer books in the building, as the weight of them caused it to sink).”

Wait, that sounds like it’s not a misnomer at all…it’s a LOW library. Get it?

“We first walked through North Campus, where many of the academic buildings are. Through the trees is Dodge Hall, Columbia’s Arts building.”

We’re confused by the capitalization here.

“To the right is Lewisohn Hall, home to the School of General Studies. We passed by another tour when we were walking.”

Yes, that can happen sometimes.

“The lion is Columbia’s mascot and is the name of their teams. The campus’ physical fitness center is located underground. Students have to complete a gym credit and pass a swim test before graduating.”

Actually, we have to complete TWO gym credits. Don’t undersell the work we do to earn our degrees!

“Havemeyer Hall is home to Columbia’s chemistry department and is one of the oldest buildings on campus. It’s famous for one of its classrooms, room 309, which has served as a set for several Hollywood movies, including ‘Spiderman.’ The Interdisciplinary Sciences building…”

The fuck is the Interdisciplinary Sciences building?

“..is a modern architecture powerhouse that stands out from the red brick standard of Columbia…”

Congratulations, you are the first person to ever see NoCo the way the architect wanted it to be perceived.

“..but it is connected to its surrounding science buildings by covered bridges. Our tour guide said her favorite library was here, as was a great coffee place.”

The one in Avery is better.

“After seeing the science buildings, we began to walk south towards the main quad.”

We have a main quad? Does that mean we have multiple quads?

“We passed by another tour group, which coincidentally was led by a friend of mine from high school. Hi Finn!”

Hi Finn!

“Buell Hall, better known as la Maison Française, houses Columbia’s french language house. It is the only remaining building from the land’s previous occupants, the Bloomingdale Insane Asylum, and as such is Columbia’s oldest building.”

Way to casually insinuate that the French language house is full of insane people.

“We crossed over the quad and made our way to the south part of campus, which hosts Columbia’s freshman dorms and Butler Library. To our left is John Jay Hall, a dorm.”

Great description.

“Many of Columbia’s dorms are situated around a spacious lawn on the south end of campus.”

“Spacious” is one word for it.

“In the center is a bust of the first Dean of Columbia College. We then walked through Butler, Columbia’s main library. Not only do the columns evoke Greece and Rome…”

Oh good, we’re comparing things to Greece and Rome again. You do realize that they had things besides columns, right?

“…but the names on the facade are famous classical philosophers. If you look closer, you can also find the names of famous Americans.”

…as well as a fine dusting of cigarette butts.

“We found some unfortunate souls inside studying. However, that stained glass likely made the day inside better.”

We promise you, it didn’t.

“Here’s the view from outside Butler. You can see Low Library on the other side of the quad. Our last stop was outside of Lerner Hall, Columbia’s modern student center.”

And part-time hedge-maze.

“Inside are several places to get food, as well as discounted tickets for arts events throughout New York City.”

“A place to get food”: the highest praise Cafe 212 has ever received.

Photo via Business Insider.