Only one of the six relationship types recognized by Bwog ends like this.

Momma Bwog has put on her stethoscope and scrubs, and is ready to play Doctor. Here, Bwog brings you WebMD for Lions and Loins, an online catalog for all of your relationship fears. Read the descriptions and symptoms, and let the hypochondria set in. Label your current relationship/hookup/cuddle buddy, because as we know, labels are everything.

The Cowardly Lion

Description:

He sits on the balcony across from you in Havemeyer 309. Every time you look up from your physics notebook (which is blank of course) he is looking at you. It isn’t the creepy stare of a 40 year old in 1020. It is the longing gaze of one whose loins have been neglected for quite some time. He is the guy who is eye-banging you during your large lecture.

Symptoms:

• Constantly stares at you.
• Doesn’t take notes.
• Has to adjust himself on numerous occasions.
• Blushes when you notice him.

Are you single?

Yes, without a doubt.

How to proceed from here:

If you judge people based on their character, well it sucks to be you, because you know nothing about this guy. If you only care about looks, and if he is hot, write him a very vague and mysterious Columbia Admirers. Bwog is sure it will lead to a date, coitus, or marriage.

The Needy One

Description:

She is one of your closest friends, and is more needy than a newborn puppy. She constantly wants your thoughts on things, and seems to genuinely value your opinions. You talk for hours everyday, and are physically comfortable around each other. But of course she is dating a huge hulking douche, who takes every opportunity to remind you who she is dating. She loves to complain about him, and makes references about what a good boyfriend you would make.

Symptoms:

• Asks you for relationship advice on a daily basis.
• Constantly finds a reason to touch you.
• Calls you her best friend.
• Cries to you when her significant other is a dick
• Tries to kiss you when drunk.

Are you single?

Yes, but not necessarily ready to mingle. Invest some effort in this one.

How to proceed from here:

You could wait it out, hoping that she comes to her senses and realizes that you are her one true love. But that will take too fucking long, so tell her that her boyfriend is cheating on her, and swoop in to comfort her. Every great relationship begins with a lie. (or Kay Jewelers. Buy her a huge ring).

The Fellow Spud

Description:

Also known as the human couch cushion or even just couch potato bud, the fellow spud is the pal that always sits on the couch with you when you hang out in your lounge, watch TV, or play video games. It may have even progressed to a phase where you watch Netflix on one of your beds together. You feel totally comfortable and snuggly together and can discuss the deep desires and psyche of all your favorite characters, but not the nagging bit of sexual tension between the two of you, which you may or may not be imagining.

Symptoms:

• Snuggling.
• Partial nudity.
• Plays with your hair.
• Spends copious quantities of time with you, but not having any sort of sex.

Are you single?

Afraid so. I mean, you’d hate to ruin this wonderful friendship, right?

How to proceed from here:

Evaluate your desires. If you want a relationship with them, ask them on a date. If you want a relationship with someone else, why are you spending so much time in your own lounge? If you don’t want a relationship, enjoy your company.

The Bromance Hookup

Description: 

This is the dude you met early freshman year and immediately hooked up with. After hanging out sober, though, you realized you’re better as friends, so shrugged the “romance” off and became super tight over the years. Every so often you get drunk and hook up again but hey! It’s totally fine, you’re still just friends! You talked it out and joked about it and everything!

Symptoms:

• Inappropriate jokes that make your mutual friends uncomfortable.
• Bro-fives and daps.
• Obsessive comparison over each other’s latest hook-up.
• Over-the-top eagerness to wingman.

Are you single?

Obviously.

How to proceed from here: 

Close the door and back away slowly. This will all end in tears. Stop being a dumbass.

The Home Squeeze

Description:

You see your high school friend one-on-one at least once every break and long weekend. Hours spent in your hometown’s Starbucks are remembered in vivid detail on returning to campus, wondering how she’s doing and what she’s up to. You’re both horribly busy back at school—pains of being overachievers—so don’t get to catch up much until the next break. When you see her again, all the feelings of pride and respect and care and devotion and closeness come back; if you actually got to see and talk to each other often, you figure, you’d be practically married by now.

Symptoms:

• <3’s on Instagram selfies.
• “When do you get back!” Snapchats.
• “I’ll pick you up in 10!” texts.
• “God we’re so old!” conversations.

Are you single?

Yes.

How to proceed from here:

Try and keep at least vaguely in touch when you’re back at school—Snapchats, texts, Facebook chats, calls, whatever. Do your Starbucks thing over break, but push it further—go out to dinner, go to house parties together, go to a movie. Eventually woman up and confess your feelings. And if she doesn’t like you back? Fuck it; you’ll be back on campus in a week.

The Significant Other

Description:

After numerous dates, hookups and cuddling, you finally have a significant other. He/She is great. You have been dating exclusively for about two weeks, and every day you find something out about him/her that makes you wonder if they are the one. Does that even happen anymore? You think this could be it.

Symptoms:

• Extreme amounts of texting.
• Cute inside jokes.
• Cuddling in public.
• Holding hands.
• Jealously when the significant other has an attractive best friend.

Are you single?

Um, no. That is why it’s called being in a relationship. Go change that Facebook relationship status!

How to proceed from here:

Enjoy the bliss! Soon enough you will see the faults and problems in your other half; Momma Bwog hopes that you can live with them. Just remember that nobody is perfect (except possibly PrezBo), so don’t become hung up on the little things. Unless he/she chews gum loudly. That is unforgivable.

Romantic improbability via Shutterstock