well that’s a mighty fine dick cake you’ve got there

Originally, the 2girls who brought you the best cheesecake in Morningside Heights were going to jointly write this post, but 1girl got overwhelmed and had to go. This review is instead brought to you by the other girl.

On Tuesday night, the Columbia University Culinary Society held its annual Erotic Cake Competition. Naturally, Bwog had to check it out, as with anything even relatively phallic. Competitors arrived in all shapes and sizes, just like our bodies and body parts, but especially our erotic body parts.

This point of bodily and phallic diversity is not lost upon those with interest and skill in the culinary arts. Who ever said we mustn’t diversify our frostings, creams, butters, sugars, oils, and flavors?

In fact, many of those who presented their confections for our admiration (and consequent tasting and judgement) made explicit their concerns regarding representation—women’s representation, mainly—and discussed these issues openly. Notable was the entry of a female duo, who, in using various fondants, constructed elaborate vaginas upon yellow cake in many colors, sizes, and shapes. As one of the young women pointed out, because real vaginas are not like those in porn. Real vaginas have pubic hair cinnamon, and bleed sometimes red icing, and look all sorts of different ways. This team’s cupcakes were tested by self-identified women of color, as well as many white girls and white boys and even some boys of color, all angling iPhones to get that perfect Instagram shot.

If only everyone could be so eloquent. Yet monstrosities like some of the following penises arrived anyway, and some were tasted. There was a “Pen Island.” One dick was “cream-filled,” and coincidentally also tasted the best (was it the chocolate chips? We think it was the chocolate chips). There were more vagina cupcakes, though “minimalistic.” Glitter. A gross unique honey-flavored cake featuring Marilyn Monroe. And as it turns out, those superbly modeled vagina cupcakes were cinnamon-filled, too. Mmmm.