What If Departments Texted You Like Public Safety? A Collective Imagining

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We hope CUIT doesn't starting "getting freaky with ya cameraphone"

We hope CUIT doesn’t start “getting freaky with ya cameraphone”

We don’t need to say that the absolute most annoying thing that this school does is all of those goddam unnecessary messages informing us that we have school tomorrow, or, as one Bwog staffer put it, texting us, “LOL yes we still have school.”  In a moment of collective catharsis, we thought about what other Departments’/Columbia entities’ versions of such texts would look like:

Good morning, you have an 8:40 class on the 7th floor of Hamilton today. Please plan to climb five flights of stairs or wait 20 minutes for a tiny elevator.

Columbia Libary Notice: Butler Library is crowded tonight.

Today John Jay Dining Hall will serve Chicken With Arbitrary Sauce and Fishless Sushi. Ferris will serve Breakfast and Sandwiches

Office of the President: Despite the snowstorm warning, We predict that President Bollinger’s hair is resuming normal magnificence operations throughout the week.

Columbia Facilities Notice: We have not yet fixed your heater yet.

Columbia Student Advising: You have no meetings scheduled with your advisor today.

CU Athletics: Football lost a game this week. (Except add sporty language and change to whatever season we’re currently in)

Bwog: We just posted a brand new edition of Bwoglines! Go to to read it and 0-2 exciting comments!

NoCo: The steps are slippery and you will eat shit in front of everyone including the TA you have a crush on. Plan accordingly!

JJ’s: Tonight you will binge eat mozzarella sticks here and not leave until they kick you out and you hate yourself more than Kim Kardashian!

McBain: There’s still a mouse in your room.

Carman: There’s vomit in your suite again.

Any Professor: I’m not giving an extension on this problem set.

Columbia Housing: Your housing options are now available! Your options include: McBain. Thank you!

CUIT: Be advised, wifi is down for the foreseeable future, also all print stations are malfunctioning.

Financial Services: Your account balance is: $-523.06. You have 24 hours to get in the black or we will find you.

MTA Alert: Today’s 1 train will be crowded as fuck. Please avoid standing next to that guy who shoves his armpit in your face.

Facilities Alert: We plan to continue ignoring the ticket you opened last October.

My biceps, bro via Shutterstock


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  1. anonyputy  

    wait jj's has the mozzarella sticks now? Time to reenlist in the meal plan

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