Campus Sex Club: Part One
Written by Bwog Staff
In 1962, a Columbia grad in English Literature fell upon hard times and started writing soft-core porn to get by. Today, Loren Beauchamp, aka Robert Silverberg, is a highly successful science fiction writer. But his soft-core porn masterpieces survive, including one set at a fictionalized Columbia University. Bwog’s resident porn expert Busty Macmillions takes you through this very ’60s, mildly disturbing imagining of a Columbia Campus Sex Club. Trigger warning for rape culture and misogyny and heteronormativity etc etc etc.
The back cover synopsis: Jeff starts out as the most virginy-virgin since the Virgin Mary, but manages to find fifteen “beautiful, wanton girl-women” (the best kind of woman), to have sex with. Sounds great.
The inside cover asserts that “All characters and situations in this book are fictitious.” *wink wink* Got it. I’m going to take the liberty of translating the fakified names of Columbia institutions into their real counterparts.
The story starts with Jeff Burnside, chilling in his dorm over labor day weekend, waiting for his sophomore year to start. He starts fantasizing about meeting a girl at Mel’s and hooking up with her. But, alas, Jeff has never done the dance with no pants. He’s wasted his freshman year studying too hard and getting too good grades. We’ve all been there, am I right? Or not. Anyway, he’s going to seize life by the, er, horns, this year and finally get laid.
So he sets out, walking past Butler Library, “wandering down Broadway, turning corners in hopes of bumping into my daydream girl with the big breasts.” Same, Jeff. All day erry day. But “no dice,” so he gets back to work, writing “a profound essay on the sexual nature of the college male, only in a light vein” which he hopes will get published in the Jester.
But, uh-oh…The editor tells him that his essay makes it super obvious that he’s never been within sniffing distance of a pussy. Jeff says that’s totally not true! But it shows through his writing. He writes like a total virgin. “I couldn’t even fool myself.” Wow. Now he REALLY has to get laid. This has gotta be building up to something…
He meets up with this total asshole Speccie, Chuck Gordon, who’s really smart and has made out with practically every girl at Barnard, which is surprising because did they not have lesbians in the ’60s? Pretty sure they did. Oh my god. Are there not going to be any lesbians in this soft-core porn book? This is concerning.
Wow, “Henry Hawks” is Beauchamp’s ’60s-fictional name for John Jay. Be more obvious, please.
Anyway, Jeff and Chuck run into an uptight Barnard girl, Carol West, outside “Henry Hawks” Hall. Chuck tells Jeff “the real true-blue [Barnard] girl will never break a university rule, whether it’s Thou Shalt Not Take Out A Reserve Book Ten Minutes Early or Thou Shalt Not Commit Fornication.” Ugh, what a fucking tease. Chuck tells Jeff that he should view a girl’s unwillingness to hook up with him as just another challenge to overcome. I think I hear “Blurred Lines” playing in the distance. Jeff decides that he will also stop caring about consent. “Otherwise I might stay a neurotic male virgin all my life.” Ugh.
Then Jeff buys all his textbooks for seventeen dollars and sixty-two cents… Okay, maybe the ’60s weren’t so bad after all.
Jeff tells Chuck that he’s a virgin. Chuck and everyone else in 1020 laugh their asses off at him. “Burnside, don’t tell me that you’re a– that you haven’t– that you’re a cherry!” Ohhhhh damn. Cat’s outta the bag. Chuck tells him that because he doesn’t have a car and he’s not in a frat, he’s going to stay a cherry. You can’t take a girl into Columbia’s dorms! (Fun fact: this changed after the 1968 riots.) So Chuck and Jeff decide to go pick up some prostitutes to help him stop being a cherry. Are you grossed out by the term cherry yet? Cherry.
Jeff heads to Butler, and runs into his friend Fred. Fred is also chasing Carol West, that frigid Barnard bitch. I guarantee that this will come up later.
In Butler, Jeff spies Lily, some mousy girl with mouse-sized boobs he went on a date with last year:
It had been a cataclysm. She spent the whole afternoon analyzing the philosophical implications of football in terms of Greek Tragedy, particularly Aeschylus. I was off on an anti-intellectualism kick that mount, and besides Cornell whomped us fifty-four-nothing that day too.
Some things never change.
He also spots Marge Halloran, who has “a truly astonishing pair of breasts out front, where you wouldn’t expect to find them on such a tall and otherwise skinny girl.” Ew, where was he expecting to find them? “I pictured myself curling up between those big breasts for a good night’s sleep and I started to tingle all over.” Okay buddy, slow down. Apparently Marge is damaged goods and puts out whenever she gets drunk. Oh yeah. That’s the one Jeff wants. He tears his eyes off of her “super bazoom” long enough to ask her on a date.
Next, Jeff does the deed with a cheap whore. It’s underwhelming and costs five dollars, which is almost a third of what he spent on textbooks, which I find outrageous. They should elect an ambassad-whore to CCSC, am I right? Hah, hah. Also, Jeff thinks about Chuck the whole time he’s doing it and Chuck has sex with the same prostitute right before. I am more invested in the Jeff/Chuck relationship than anything else in this book so far.
The next day, everything is “going jim-dandy” for Jeff. He heads to C.C., which he finds super boring. Jeff is such a relatable Columbia student. He also decides to live off campus because Columbia Housing sucks. Again, very relatable. He moves into his new digs and imagines what people will say about him now: “That’s Jeff Burnside,” they would say. “Biggest makeout man on campus. A different girl every night.”
Thus concludes the first quarter of Campus Sex Club. I will generously rate it 3 sluts out of a possible 5 misogynous social constructs. So far, exhaustive descriptions of women’s breasts but very little actual sex. Where is the campus sex club? When will it get kinky? Tune in for part 2, coming soon.
Tags: 3 sluts out of 5 misogynous social constructs, back in the good ol' days of $17 textbooks and $5 prostitutes, campus sex club, can't get enough soft-core porn, job opportunities for english lit majors, let's write a petition to have an ambassad-whore, loren beauchamp, not all alumni become president but they do some other highly influential things, return soon for part 2, robert silverberg, say cherry again, we're choking on the heteronormativity, what a fun sexy time for you