Mar

28

Architectural Appreciation: Schermerhorn

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Artur Renault did what many would consider a self-destructive act. He went deep inside Schermerhorn for fun. The results of this mad expedition are laid before you.

From the outside, it looks pretty normal.

It almost beckons you to go inside. “Come in, I’m just like Havemeyer or Dodge, or any other brick building with a green roof!”

No.

Don’t listen to this building’s filthy lies.

Beginning the very quote on the façade.

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“Speak to the Earth and it shall teach thee.”

I tried.

“Hey Earth.”

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“…”

“Earth?”

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“…”

“Come on, you’re supposed to teach me something.”

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“…”

Didn’t teach me a goddamn thing.

That’s right, Schermurhorn sits on a confusing maze of lies.

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Just walk in, you’ll be greeted by this horrible thing which can somehow be described by the phrase “marble arch.”

To your left and right sit staircases that should be awarded the “most inconvenient in the world” award if they haven’t yet.

Notice how to access it, you need to climb two steps, turn right, climb two more steps, turn left, turn left again, climb a staircase, turn left, and turn right to climb them.

These staircases lead to the main lecture hall in the building, Schermerhermrm 501.

But go straight and you’ll discover another of Schermatterhorn’s world records:

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The lamps with the highest hideousness to usefulness ratio.

This eternally dark hallway hugs you constantly from above with its cozily low ceiling.

Keep walking

Now you can’t say they didn’t try to warn you. ALSO NO SMOKING HERE SO DANGEROUS

Keep walking and you’ll notice how in Schermerlicious it is possible to take a single picture incorporating not one, not two, not even three, but four different styles of walls.

Go upstairs and you’ll find that whoever designed this building expressed the same variety in stairs.

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After you climb this one…

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…you’ll find another one…

…and another one. Splitting the staircase into three was probably cheaper or something.

You’ll also find these lamps, which managed to keep their hideousness to usefulness ratio despite the lower ceiling.

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You’ll also find the geology library. I had no idea we had a geology library.

Eventually you’ll walk straight into a wormhole that will take you straight back to the LLC; or to an art gallery with the same name as one of its buildings.

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Or maybe straight to Italy!

But you’ll have to walk to the left to find the “extention.”

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I swear the building was humming when I was taking this picture.

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You’ll also find the Learning Lab, which has got to be the most generic name for a lab ever.

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And this creepy room, which conveniently has some couches you might as well sleep on since we’ve both lost track of where the fuck we are.

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But you’ll eventually reencounter the lamps in elevated form.

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And when you find this exit it might even look beautiful to you.

But even if you find your way out of Schermordorn, the Schermerhermerdingdong will not find its way out of you.

A descent into insanity by Artur Renault

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3 Comments

  1. lit hum  

    For a second there, I thought I was reading the Odyssey

  2. Anonymous  

    This article is such a joke. Does anyone actually believe he got out of Schermerhorn that quickly? Nice try, BWOG.

  3. people  

    do sleep on those couches. All night.

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