Bwog’s match for all four

Always willing to quench, Bwogger on the prowl Robert Sheardown downloaded not one, but four dating/hook-up/wtf apps designed to deliver maximum relief from thirst. Here is a brief summary of two weeks spent getting comfy with each app. 

Cuddlr: The new app on the block, Cuddlr introduces itself with a charming warning that it exists only for meeting up and cuddling; the introduction to the app tells users that if they want to “have coffee” or “learn to knit” then they should wait until the end of the cuddle and then ask politely. At this point Bwog was beginning to suspect the entire app was just one big euphemism. The use of the app was depressing, to say the least, with perhaps ten people available to match with and of whom only one messaged back. Bwog did not follow through on the cuddle, unfortunately, given that it was thoroughly creeped out. “Cuddle” at your own risk.

 JSwipe: Known colloquially as the Jewish Tinder, this app begins by asking users to state how they identify within Judaism. Thirsty to the point of being willing to try anything, Bwog checked the option “willing to convert” and began swiping away. Despite swiping right for a solid 30 minutes, not a single match was made; perhaps other users could sense Bwog’s lack of sincerity. Regardless, points have to be given for the app using happy faces and sad faces inside of Stars of David depending on whether a user swiped right or left.

Grindr: For those unversed in the gay world, this is the original hook-up app. If you think Tinder is hyper-sexualized or fails to really show people as they are, steer clear of this app that is little more than a messenger for dick-pics. Adding to the adrenaline of never knowing when you are going to get to know a random stranger far too well is the fact that, unlike the other apps, there is no age-gate feature. This means that men 60 years old or even older are in the same hook-up scene as 18 year olds. It is just as terrifying as you think it is.

Tinder: There is not much more to say than this: there were 14 year olds. The ultimate thirst-quencher/game, Tinder achieved a new level of horrifying when, after mindlessly swiping for 20 minutes, Bwog came upon not one but two 14 year olds who had created profiles on the app. Needless to say Bwog felt extremely creepy and immediately closed the app. And then deleted the app. And then realised that being thirsty wasn’t as bad as being on this hell-hole of an app.

Gotta pick your best photo for your profile via Shutterstock