Is there actually such thing as a pumpkin spice?

Seasonal samplers Maia Berlow, Christina Clark, and Robert Sheardown recently set out on a mission to find the best edible pumpkin spice option in the neighborhood. We now present their findings:

An Open Letter to Basic Betch Haters (namely those of you who hate on Pumpkin Spice),

Us Basic Betches get a lot of crap around this time of year. Buzzfeed is no longer a safe space for our kind. We can’t order a pumpkin spice latte without feeling the glares and when we invite people to decompress with a pumpkin spice ale, no one comes. We decided to embrace our basicness and sample all the pumpkin spice choices out there. Here are our rankings. Join us:

13.   Pumpkin Ale (Morton Williams): Ew. Obvs no. No relation to pumpkin spice.

12.   Croutons (Trader Joe’s): Why would you make these?!?! Unnecessary. How am I supposed to enjoy my chopped caesar with this?

11.   Cranberry and Pumpkin Seed Pita Chips (Trader Joe’s): The cranberry overpowers the pumpkin. Not a legitimate product.

10.  Pumpkin Sugar Cookie (Starbucks): Does not taste pumpkiny

9.   Pumpkin Spice Bubble Tea (Tea Magic):  Mildly ok. Tastes like milk with a few grains of cinnamon. Rule #1 of Pumpkin Spice: Don’t call it pumpkin spice if it doesn’t taste like pumpkin spice.

8.   Pumpkin Spice Granola (Trader Joe’s): Put that shit in some yogurt.

7.   Pumpkin Bread (Broadway Farmers Market): Tastes like home. Can’t go wrong with classic

6.   Pumpkin Spice Biscotti (Trader Joe’s): Can we say classy? Perfect with your pumpkin spice latte, see below.

5.   Pumpkin Spice Latte (Starbucks, Oren’s: off menu): Heaven in a drink. The magnacarta-holygrail-jay-z-beyonce-blueivy of drinks.

4.   Pumpkin Spice Froyo (John Jay Dining Hall): Dayummmm. Low-cal option of pumpkin spice ice cream. Well worth the calories.

3.   Pumpkin Joe-Joes (Trader Joe’s): Not quite as good as the oreos but does the job.

2.   Pumpkin Spice Oreos (Morton Williams): Pull on your stretchiest victoria’s secret yoga pants and DIG IN.

1.   Pumpkin Pie Mochi (Trader Joe’s): Mouth-gasm.

We are sure none of these could really compare though to the ultimate pumpkin spice experience, the pumpkin spice flavoured condoms.

Autumn pumpkin latte with milk and cream via Shutterstock.