Back when CU Admirers was really called King’s College Admirers

Finally built up the courage to ask your future spouse that person in your CC class on a date, but unsure of how to do so? Cyber relationship expert Claire Friedman is here to sell you our step-by-step solution.

Is your Facebook newsfeed blowing up right now with expressions of love and vaguely creepy missed connections? Want to get in on the action but don’t know how? With twelve easy down payments of $0.00, now you can!!! With Bwog’s patented CU Admirers Strategy (passed down through generations of Bwoggers), you can play the admiration game like Keanu Ross-Cabrera a pro!!

WELCOME TO ADMIRATION STATION, POPULATION: YOU

You’ve been admiring them from afar… now let’s get you admiring them anonymously online!! Woah there, tiger! Before you start tappin’ away on that keyboard, take a look at our best-selling CU Admiration Blueprints:

For the person who you see everywhere but whose name you don’t know:

To the [human] with [hair color] in [public space]. You are HOTTEST person I have seen [on the face of the planet][in my entire life]. Coffee?

To the [human] I saw during [specific activity that only you attended]. You were wearing [clothes]. Wanna [sexual innuendo] sometime? ;)

For the person you wanna get with:

[Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen] I see you all the time at [class you both have/ the gym]. I’m too [shy/ awkward/ lazy] to approach you, but I think you’re [the best person to ever grace the Earth’s surface]. Single?

[Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen] makes me want to [explode] with [pent up sexual energy]! xoxo 2thirsty4cu

2012 vintage admiration: [Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen]. DAT ASS.

For the person who is actually just your friend but you want to make them feel special:

[Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen]. Damn.

BwogTip: you clearly did not put much thought into this, so this might backfire.

For your best friend you’re trying to annoy:

OMG [Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen] [annoying inside joke] [annoying nickname] [annoying punctuation]

BwogTip: don’t be this person. If you are already this person, rethink some things about your lifestyle.

To the person you’re going to inadvertently terrify:

[Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen], I saw you [doing something very normal, like grocery shopping] and I could not stop [staring at you for an extended period of time]. Be mine?

NOW REPEAT AFTER ME:

The three S’s of CU Admirers:

1. Stalkability – make sure your Facebook profile is easily stalkable for admiration that keeps on coming!!
2. Swagger – show how cool you are by responding to your legions of admirers with comments that don’t have correct punctuation!!
3. Soul Mate – find yours through a well-worded admiration!!!

 GET ADMIRED IN FOUR EASY STEPS!!!!

Now that you’ve got your Admiration game down to a sweet science, let’s get you some attention!! Here are a few tricks to rack up those admirations:

1. Have an ass — there’s nothing CU Admirers likes better than a booty!
2. Tell your friends you feel unappreciated — look sad while you’re doing it!!
3. Spend time in public places, doing normal things — we recommend making extended eye contact in libraries!!!
4. Watch the admirations roll in!!

A note to your lover via Shutterstock