What the fuck is jelly character

We’re all friends broke around here. We know where your last $10 REALLY went. But your friends are weirdly into Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hannukkah/nondenominational winter holiday, so you’ve gotten roped into celebrating the festivities like a real family.

Here’s how to get by this holiday season, poor student style. For all your gift-giving needs, a by-no-means-definitive analysis of what you can get for $1 and under in this fine neighborhood of ours.

Duane Reade

• 2.5 dark chocolate covered marshmallows
• Half an 8.4oz Red Bull (on sale though!! Only 2 for $4!!)
• 1 candy cane with “jelly character”
• Nice! brand gelatin dessert
• 1 Disney princess lipstick, with the princess of your choice

Rite Aid

• 1 pack Hawaiian Punch flavored Hubba Bubba
• 1 2-liter Simplify diet cola
• A tin of cat food (recommendations: Friskies tasty treasure or Fancy Feast tender liver and chicken)

M2M

• Wheat cake
• Half a carton of banana tofu dessert

For the (1)9 year old Disney aficionado in your life

Morton

• 1 can of sweet whole kernel golden corn
• 1 pack of Shop Rite paper towels

Dining Hall Delicacies (I Constantly Thank God For Ferris)

• Coffee Infused Banana: spill approximately 1 fluid ounce of Cafe Bustelo on 1 slightly overripe or, alternately green, banana. Let stew in your backpack for two hours until you remember you also stashed some pork butt.
• Home-Made Cookies: ask for “as many cookies as you can fit on a plate.” Then, stick the bow your RA put on your dinner right on top of the grungey vintage white paper plate. Instant class.
• Waffle Sandwich: smother two waffles with Nutella. Drown in however much rum $1 will get you.
• Pizza: just take an entire pizza. We recommend pesto.

Off Da Street

• 4 lemons from the fruit stand near the 110 subway station
• Fiber One bar from any of the news stands
• Make up for your lackluster floor spirit and team together with 328 of your closest friends and get the largest Christmas tree for your floor. Your RA will love you forever, maybe.

PS: If you’re feeling inspired/wealthy, please know International sells a bottle of rosé called “Alone.” It’s personal-sized. Not super sure what the implication of giving that to someone might be, but look, we’ve all been there.

PPS: Willing to make the trek? Crazy Stallion from CrackDel. Tasty, nutritious, AND economical.