From top right, clockwise: Artopolis, Westside, Café 212, Starbucks

The latest installment in the 2Girls1Snack series continues the Bwog tradition of ignoring the patriarchal limitations of the original concept. Read on for two boys’ take on cinnamon rolls, especially if the last 2G1S left you feeling disappointingly healthy.

In a continuing effort to make dorm food look like real food, Columbia made a number of changes to Ferris this semester. If you’ve stopped by the pizza section during breakfast hours, then you’ve surely seen the most caloric greatest addition to the menu – cinnamon rolls! They got us thinking about the pastry options around Morningside, so we bravely subjected ourselves to five of the sweetest treats in the neighborhood. Here’s where to go for (vaguely) cinnamon flavored goodness in the area.

Ferris Booth Commons (1 meal swipe)
The feature and focus of our study, the Ferris cinnamon roll is just what you’d expect of a Lerner Hall dessert – good, but only if you don’t think too hard about it. While the cinnamon is visible, the flavor is easily covered up, and we didn’t think it was great to begin with. The bread itself isn’t of very much note beyond being sweet, although it’s a bit dry on the inside. The main attraction is the cream cheese frosting, which meets a good balance between the tastes of dairy and sugar. However, the glaze is spread inconsistently across the buns, so try to grab one with a ton of frosting. It’s sufficiently huge to provide a bit of satisfaction if you can only pick up one item on your way to your 8:40, and it probably tastes better on the run – just take a napkin.
2Girls Rating: 3 sticky pastries out of 5

Artopolis – Cinnamon Swirl ($3.80)
You are bourgeois. In the office at your folksy multi-national, you spend your workdays on the phone yelling at people from the same income level to push their underlings harder so you can make your wallet bigger. You do this to afford your $4,000-a-month apartment, your private daycare for your children, your air-conditioned yoga classes, and your half-finished healthy and organic meals bought at Whole Foods. And, of course, your twice-weekly brunches, where you go to kitschy cafes and drop $25 bucks on a meal containing half the food of a Happy Meal – and one that’s half as tasty. Your cinnamon bun is artisanal, sprinkled with powdered sugar that’s tasteless, filled with cinnamon that barely comes through. It’s flaky where it should be crisp, moist where it should be gooey. It’d probably taste better dipped into an espresso. So would dog shit.
2Girls Rating: 2 good-looking disappointments out of 5

Westside Market – Glazed Cinnamon Bun ($1.50)
A wise scholar, identity lost to time (maybe Aristotle?), once said, “Muffins are just an excuse to eat cake for breakfast.” If you need another excuse, go to Westside market. These pastries are in the far corner of the bakery section, and are available in miniature, glazed, and honey versions. The interior has the texture and taste of a dense donut, and the outside glaze is more reminiscent of marble cake than a Cinnabon. Out of all of our options, it was probably the easiest to eat, and lends itself to hands and forks just as well. They’re served cold, and they’d lose something if they were heated up. Just eat them in whatever contexts you enjoy donuts, and you’ll love this combination of cinnamon and sugar.
2Girls Rating: 4 cakey desserts out of 5

Starbucks – Morning Bun ($2.40)
Is the Starbucks “Morning Bun” the culmination of all the rot produced by American excess and ignorance? Maybe A mass-produced, mass-marketed pseudo-pastry formed out of the barest excuse for bread, then toasted so that loses any affinity with a croissant, its closest relative. Its cinnamon is a chemical lightly pumped into it, with some citrus flavors added in to make it more palatable. It defines the traditional glaze for factory sugar poured on top. It is not a cinnamon bun, but it is something else: good. All its slapped-together ingredients come together to form a delectable sweet and savory treat that can surprise the taste buds with new flavor combinations while still providing the comfort of a breakfast sweet. Get it with your latte, but don’t expect the delightful messiness of a true cinnamon roll.
2Girls Rating: 3 cinnamon-ish concoctions out of 5

Café 212 ($2.99)
It’s a pastry item snuck into Café 212, looking forlorn with a cream cheese spread dumped over it. Nobody would ever give this guy more than a second glance, much less the chance to make it to the sweet treat big leagues. Yet everything about this cinnamon bun works, from its crispy croissant base, to its sweet cream cheese spread that encapsulates everything a desert should be, to its gooey inner core, with a cinnamon paste the consistency of melted chocolate, and just as delicious. It’s probably just as tasty warmed in a microwave, and it could work as either a breakfast or a dessert. If you want a real, and real good, cinnamon bun in Morningside Heights, go to Cafe 212.
2Girls Rating: 4.5 secret treats out of 5