A Low penis fountain found its perfect companion: a lonely yet comfy can of Keystone Light. We hope to see it again after the snow melts at Bacchanal. But for now, Lil’ Keystone, you are our source of inspiration; nestled in the hidden security of the cloud of snow, showing Morningside Heights your true colors only for slight moments at a time, only to return to your cocoon come your Monday 8:40. Who knew we could find such comfort in a tossed souvenir of debauchery? You are the Kristine to our Robert. Till next time, Lil’ Keystone; we’ll find you again or someone similar via tips@bwog.com. 

Where were we while the weekend flashed before Lil’ Keystone’s eyes?: 

• “While at brunch with my parents they asked me if I ‘knew what Yik Yak was’ and if it was all about sex just like all the other campus Yaks they read about in the newspaper.”
• “Got spanked by a paddle that had ‘SLUT’ engraved in it.”
• “Roommate and I gave each other tattoos because I am the queen of bad judgement and she is my evil accomplice with a lot of art supplies. Then I got sick.”
• “Watched Sam Smith obliterate everyone at the Grammy’s and I’m still kind of bitter about it?”
• “Went with a pal to a Costco in Brooklyn and thought it would be a good idea to buy a case of beer, 2kg of Nutella, and a rotisserie chicken. The subway ride back was a blast: the 3rd Ave. Costco is a dystopian hellhole and the D train is no place for hot poultry.”
• “Friend and I snuck two bottles of red into a late night screening of Birdman. Our progressing state of drunkenness matched up surprisingly well with the perspective of the movie, at least from what I could tell. “
• “Madame First Lady Michelle Obama and The First Daughter Malia Obama walked past me in Community and were kind enough to say ‘excuse me.'”
• “Wandered around Chinatown alone on a Friday night. Saw dear white people. Ate a lot of hummus.”
• “Drunkenly pet a dog and wondered how the dog felt about it. Then wondered why the dog was out at 2am.”
• “I injured myself attempting a stripper pole. Drunk sang Kelly Clarkson till I cried…I put a lot of myself into my performances.”
• “Drunkenly cleaned up a broken wine glass with my bare hands. Ow. Left my debit card at 1020.”
• “Went to Connecticut for the weekend, where the advertisements on the public transit buses haven’t been updated since 2005.”
• “Had a JJ’s cheeseburger and donuts for breakfast. In other news, JJ’s Place now has donuts.”